A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am in a steady relationship and very happy with my boyfriend. I have a male friend who is very close to me as in...we are open and we used to flirt a bit before I fell in love with my boyfriend. I am still in constant touch with this friend of mine. We met online but its been a very long friendship and we talk on d phone and met few times casually. I can share everything with him and so does he. My boyfriend is very liberal and is cool about my friends circle. There are no issues as such.But few days back, this friend of mine came up to me for help about his sexuality. He is single. Had a failed relationship. And hasnt been in one since last few years. When we met we used to have a little fun time keeping in mind all the time that we are friends only. We did get a little sexual in talks. I guess I also needed a vent that time in my life as I was single too. So we used to talk about stuff and make out but it never got to levels of commitment or relationship.But it lasted for few months only and then we became even better friends...good buddies...and rose above all those talks.Then I met my boyfriend and I am very honest n loyal with him...he is only one I am intimate with. And my friend also understands this. Few days back he said he was feeling really high n asked me how to release the energy built up. I just asked him not to control the urge and just let it go....else he wont be able to get over it ever. Then yday again he asked me if I could just once talk about stuff and if we could have a session on d phone itself....coz he wanted to feel the same thing....the company of a girl...its been v long time that he hasnt really been with anyone and he just wanted to feel it for once like we did long time back. I couldnt give him a proper answr...he is a really nice guy...good mannered and v honest...a great friend also...bt I duno if I should help him with this...and if yes then how...I told him I could help him by talking about it....but I cant really make it mutual....it makes me feel that im stemming infidelity in my own relationship. If I cant imagine my boyfriend doing this then he would also feel the same. I really adore this friend of mine and felt really bad that I cudnt say yes to him....but its a little against how I take things once u r committed. We are planning to get engaged by next year. I might be sounding conventional but this is what came to my mind first...no logic.I am not able to discriminate btween right n wrong here...well if I dont keep anything in mind and just do it coz its my dear friend on the other side...then kool....BUT if traces r left and if he asks me again then it wont be good. Plz tell me how to tackle this...it was really awkward when I had to tell my friend that Il let u know.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks a lot for amazing replies n advice..
thnx xearo...timmD..tisha..raiders...
thnx janniepeg for being blunt..i needed smthn like dat as well...
i love my bf a lot..! n cant evn dream of cheatin on him...n i duno if my frnd wants to steal me away or wat...bt ya i might have been flattrd subconsciously which i din realise...n jus wantd to appear as a frnd in need alwz...which feels a lil stupid now...
bt anyways...my bf comes first on list...in evrything...n he wud always b my priority...
thnx frnds...tk cr..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): If you say he is a nice guy, then more than likely he is just thinking with his dick and not thinking things through like you said.
Good luck ^_^
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwonderful and instant replies...thanks so much to all of you.
it surely makes it all clear. i am very happy in my relationship and i expect my bf to be totally committed n loyal...which he is...even though he too has a lot of frnds from opposite sex...but he tells me evrything that goes on in his social circle...so i wud nvr want to take any negative step to jeopardise this relatnshp...it means the world to me n he trusts me completely.
as for my frnd...i will be straight with him once for all. he is a nice guy...i feel he might not have given it enough thinking. but il see that he doesnt come up with any such thing evr ltr.
thanks a lot agn!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 You don't need any explanation. Just refuse to talk about sex with him or he'll lose you as a friend. He has crossed the friend boundary into danger zone. Either he's testing you, trapping you, or jealous of your boyfriend. He has an intention of stealing you in a subtle way. You are flattered by this. Your boyfriend would be very upset and feel betrayed if he knew what about this, upset enough that you can't be friends anymore. You have to accept that you can only love one person at a time. You can't give love out to people like you are being charitable. He's responsible of finding his own girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 This friend wants to have phone sex with you, knowing you have a boyfriend? He is overstepping the boundaries and you are not telling him that it is inappropriate and frankly selfish of him to ask you to do that.
His sexuality is HIS problem, not yours. I can tell you that not one male friend of mine has ever asked for phone sex--that's beyond "friendship."
I personally would say "no" and then get away from this guy; he doesn't respect you or your relationship with your boyfriend if he is asking for this.
I suppose you could ask your boyfriend for "permission" to do this with your friend, but it might make you look as though you have a severe blindspot in what constitutes monogamy or commitment and sexual exclusivity to your boyfriend. It could make you look really bad and untrustworthy.
I'd stop your "friend" from bringing up sex talk again and make really clear. I personally would reconsider if he's a suitable friend, as he's taking extraordinary liberties with a woman who has a boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (5 May 2010):
 Say no and make it clear to him that he is making you feel uncomfortable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): I feel sorry for you friend, these kinda of things used to happen to me as well. I know they're very close to you and you wouldn't want to do anything you may regret. Your friend is in a pinch but you'd be putting yourself in an extremely bad situation with your bf if you decide to help your friend. You have always been honest and faithful, and I don't see why you should begin ruining a good thing. Similarly you would not want your bf to be doing this behind your back as well with other girls. Seeing that you are from India I can prolly assume that no bf will allow something like this to occur, no matter how liberal he is. If I were in your shoes, I would not appreciate your friend doing this to me. I would have angrily told your friend to stop feeling sorry for himself and make some attempt to change his own life and meet some women. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (5 May 2010):
 You need to put your boyfriend first. This other friend needs to understand this and should respect your relationship. The fact that he is putting you in this position means he is being selfish, so you shouldn't feel guilty about saying no to him.
I can understand you wanting to help your friend, but a true friend shouldn't even put you in that position in the first place. You are not doing anything wrong here... as you said, you wouldn't like it if your boyfriend did the same thing with a girl-friend of his.
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