A
female
age
30-35,
*amram
writes:Hello DearCupid :)I'm struggling with being strung by my best friend. He has a very attractive girlfriend. They have been together for almost 10 years now and I have always respected him for it. He was never an option for me until we screwed up a little while drunk and started an ambiguous and confusing relationship roughly a year ago. He could be very caring at times and suddenly he would ghost for a week or two. I had been confused myself and didn't handle it better, eventually we slept together after he vaguely told me he was having a rough time with his girlfriend and they were "kinda" over. But as the story usually goes, they didn't. He ghosted me again just to later reveal that he had actually gone on holiday with his girlfriend for her birthday. I felt so betrayed, stupid and depressed and stopped looking for him. I barely managed to bounce back until very recently... just to find him on my phone and real life again, acting ambiguous/hot and cold.I want to end this roller-coaster ride 'cus it's been depressing me chronically. I haven't been eating or sleeping very well in the past year and it's been affecting my health and job performance. I never wanted to lose him, but I finally realize that he barely treats me as a "friend" and he never truely cared about me... no-contact is probably my best solution.We have been good friends for years, have quite a few common friends and bump into each other a lot in daily life... thus I would really prefer quitting this game peacefully.I know my story is very cliche to many of you out there but I would really appreciate if you could provide me with some tips or experiences on how to get over my situation.Thanks and it's good venting this out somewhere :')
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best friend, depressed, drunk, has a girlfriend, on holiday Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (16 October 2016):
 It tends to be easier for men to keep an emotional distance, but some men don't and some women do - so it happens to both.It's good you're letting go. Don't change anything about yourself to be attractive to others, just do what you need to do to be happy.
A
female
reader, ramram +, writes (16 October 2016):
ramram is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Honesty, Andie and Honeypie,Thanks so much for your words and support. You guys haveno idea how much it means to me. I have ceased contact with him for a while now. I still miss and think about him at times/a lot of the time to be frank but it hurts far less than before now that I have accepted the fact that I am nobody to him and he clearly doesn't care about me.Actually we hanged out a while ago. It was a friendly meet-up and we just talked about how things have been lately (by lately that covers his ghosting period). Not a word was mentioned about his girlfriend/etc nor did I flip the cards/start the "let's talk about us" talk. I don't know if I should/should not have voiced out about us but I don't really care anymore - to me we won't be hanging out again and there is nothing that I want to happen between us anymore except for us to just move on separate ways (I'm not daydreaming about coming to his rescue when he is lonely anymore *rollseys*).One thing I have learn from our meet-up is... during the entire time that I felt like a piece of shit because he was out of reach, he was working hard, living his life and having a good time, doing perfectly well, if not great without me. Whilst I have made him my entire world, I am literally negligible in his life - it is sad to come to realize this because at some point I honestly thought we are closest people can be and that he needs me... and I was beginning to rehearse about us having a future before - BAM it's time to wake up. It still amazes me a little how someone could cling to you, tell you how they miss you in piteous/begging/cute ways, hug/kiss/touch you so dearly when... in the blink of an eye you are out of their minds for good (is this a men's thing or does it happen to both sexes?!), worse still, he never meant it.Just saying - it all shouldn't matter anymore now and as Honeypie has said, "Make YOU the priority in YOUR life. Not him. Don't revolve around him, his wants, phone calls and moods." I could see very well now how much I have lost myself to him and how pitifully fragile I am when I make someone my "entire world". It's just not healthy to be overly-reliant on someone else for my own happiness/peace of mind, and this is me now trying to find myself again.I am now diverting most of the excess time first onto myself/make plans/hobbies/exercises and trying to stop parasiting on people/sympathies/etc (would have to admit that it's a very tempting and comforting resort but I am trying to get emotionally more independent). Other than that I am diverting my attention into more people (friends and family) so that I don't get overly attached on one or two.Hopefully things will get better for me (this has been a slow and difficult process). I have also been feeling ugly and unattractive in the past month, and trust me the thought does get to my face (ugh). Let's see if I could fix it soon as well :) Rebound is not on my agenda at all I'm sick at any possible dating game at the moment.Thanks again guys, it's great hearing from you and I really appreciate it... I wish you all the best in your lives!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 October 2016):
 See him for who he is. And that is NOT a friend. A friend would NOT take advantage of you, a friend would not play mind games and he CERTAINLY wouldn't make you feel like that WHOLE mess is/was your fault alone.
Make YOU the priority in YOUR life. Not him. Don't revolve around him, his wants, phone calls and moods.
You say your own and his actions over the past year has made you feel depressed, unhappy, miserable and it's spreading to your professional life, so it REALLY is time to make changes.
I suggest that change is a CUT him off 100%. You do NOT need to explain to him WHY, you don't OWE him that. After all, he is quite OK with ghosting you when he doesn't WANT to deal with you.
BLOCK him, his phone number, social websites etc. IF he contacts you tell him to not call you anymore, that you are done with the drama and the mind games. If he ignores that... I'd suggest you tell him if he DOESN'T respect that and stops calling you, that you will tell his GF. Now that might seem petty and it might not be something you want to do, you don't HAVE to - but I'd use it as a bluff if he can't respect your wish to have NOTHING to do with him.
Spend time around family and friends who are a POSITIVE influence on your life. Maybe start going to the gym or pick up an old hobby that makes you happy.
The longer you have NO contact with this dude the CLEARER the picture will become,
You know messing around with a guy who HAS a GF is shady. Don't be shady. If he wants to be shady... let him be that with someone else!
Cutting the contact is NOT you losing a friend. It's you letting go of a guy who USED to be a friend, now he is just toxic.
You can do it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 October 2016):
You just have to gradually fade contact out. Ghost him. Don't spend any time alone with him again. No more getting drunk while together.
It may hurt, but it's fairly simple to do.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 October 2016):
 Sweetie you know what you have to do, it is simple. You just need to cut all contact with him. He is a liar and a cheat. He did not care about your feelings when he would just fall off the side of the earth and he did not care about his long term girlfriends feelings when he cheated with you.
Stop all contact. Block his number and social media accounts. If you bump in to him be polite but nothing more. You need to start looking after yourself.
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