A
female
age
36-40,
*oona
writes:Hi everyone!I'm really in desperate need for some advice about the "relationship" I find myself in. I already know that the right decision should just be to abandon it, but we all know that is not so easy when feelings are involved.So here goes:I am 25, European and the guy 33 from the U.S, but currently living in Swe. We met up one year ago, through a common friend at some party. Nothing serious in the beginning, it most mostly sex and partying together, but later one we clicked and started to be more serious... Or at least I got more serious. It turned out that this guy has serious drinking problems. I did my best to help him,even took him to a clinic, got him to start on Antabus( a pill that makes you nauseous while consuming alcohol). So the more we hang out, the more I feel for him, although knowing about his troubles. The guy is very nice, we communicate very well, have deep conversations BUT regardless that it just feels that he is lying a lot. He has these issues:- commitment issues- still having a very tight relationship with his ex gf, even though he says that he is not romantically attracted to her, that he only loves her like an older sister ,,, but it seems that she is still in love with him, and he doesn't tell her about us, saying that he feels guilty of doing that cuz "she brought him to sweden#-that's bullshit, I mean he comes from LA...he didn't come to sweden for a better life or smth!!!! AND..she is involved in a relationship with another guy!-even having a tight contact with her family ...he basically calls them "my relatives" and no harm there, I understand that he got attached to them while moving to a new country he must have felt lonely and needed to connect, BUT he won't tell them he moved on cuz he's afraid they'll reject him, he claims those pple still hope that he and his ex will get back together in the future...that's living in a lie, it's not true, they accept him cuz he is nice ... but even if it were true he should take his chances and tell them the truth..he agrees with me in this one but doesn't seem to do anything about it!- he claims he has feelings for me, we meet a lot, we traveled together, from the outside it seems like a really nice relationship...but he would never call us more than "we are dating"..I am not his gf officially even though all his friends and my friends see us as being together-he recently went to Betty Ford and attended a 4 month program, he is under recovery now, back in Sweden .he is attending AA meeting and being very involved in this being sober thing... I enhance this, I am very supportive BUT ... he pushes me away while keeping me close at the same time...very confusing-he says that we should be friends for a while before 'getting back together' ( now suddenly we were together before...very odd). We sleep together sometimes, but we don't have sex or make out, only hug and speak basically-while he was away in Betty Ford all summer I never dated somebody else, we spoke on the phone a lot...But it's so confusing ... he wants me and at the same time he doesn't, he cares for me but simultaneous he keeps away- we don't have sex cuz he doesn't want to feel more for me cuz he is afraid of getting hurt..and that triggering him to drink again..blah blah-the 12 step program suggests the recovering alcoholics not to start new relationships while recovering...but never aborting an existing one...I am supportive, I don't drink alcohol, we have this great chemistry (I'm not imagining this, he keeps reminding me all the time), we work out together- we are both in really good shape and enjoy nice work outs and healthy foods.-he is totAlly in love with my dog, and my dog with him :)- we have everything and at the same time nothing-I'm a very positive person, I'm ofter happy, I lift him up, I spread happiness around me -not bragging, but this is what I'm being told by people around me :)-I'm studying full time at the University, while keeping an extra job, I look very appealing,good self-confidence, the brains, I'm not clingy, very independent- fucking everything, and he knows that, acknowledges that , tells me that all the time ..but still -nothing-he looks very good too, intelligent,educated, so social but very low self- esteem. He has this need of attention from everybody-before he would even have some profiles up on some dating sites, it took for him almost 6 months to take them away, I was nagging about it, he would promise he'll take them away but that never happened. He claimed he only had them on cuz he liked the attention, he never actually dated anyone else since he met me, we have been exclusive- anyhow... this is obviously a destructive relationship for me, it upsets me, even if I try not to think about it, I have moments when I get very depressed ..like today..and as I said before, I am usually the type that is depressed, or even when I have my bad days I try to snap out of it as soon as possible, it takes more energy to be unhappy than to be happy -he breaks my heart constantly and I can't leave him-I feel sometimes that he only uses me emotionally cuz he gets so much from me-the other day when I actually burst and told him I was him out of my life, he cried on the phone and made me feel guilty-I have these moments when I feel sick of this, it's tiring me out, I feel like I have no feelings anymore, I feel empty..but as soon as I get some feeling for him, I get back on, in the destructive pattern!When I think about it, he has the typical sociopath behavior: so charming, manipulative in a charming way, he victimizes himself all the time... even if he's trying to joke about it'..he could say..your pleasure is my pleasure baby...bla bla and actually believes it!...Please help me with some advice!! Thanks!-
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alcoholic, depressed, ex girlfriend, get back together, his ex, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Let him go. I know you feel a certain obligation to him being that he does suffer from substance abuse, but he's making your life incredibly stressful. And it doesn't have to be! Believe me I know what it is like to be in an emotionally draining relationship with someone who you can't fully trust. But remember women are innate care takers and want to change their guy for the better, but the reality is no one changes unless they want to. So you stressing and worrying is not going to alter his behavior, it's only going to continue to make you miserable. Also, since he has been lying to you, deep down you know that you will never truly trust him ever. And life is ways to short to be in a relationship that causes so much heartache, think about it THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT don't let them pass you by, by continuing to hang out with this guy! Good luck, I know it will work out:)
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Im so sorry for your troubles hunny,
This is a typical case of a one sided love affair. You have developed deep feelings for this man and in many ways he has formed an attachment to you. He seems to have a lot of problems and perhaps they are occupying his mind space so he cannot consider you or your feelings.
Your relationship started out as a sex based relationship and I always think this is fatal in any relationship.Getting too intimate too soon can change a mans perception of you...and sadly for a lot of men when they 'get lucky' so soon, well thats all the girl will ever mean to them.
He retains a very close attachment to his ex girlfriend and her family and even though she is with someone else, I'd put money on it that he hopes one day to get back with her one day, even if this seems inconcievable, he probably still hopes and is definitely showing no sign of letting go of her.
So where are you in all of this?...your on the sidelines, accepting scraps of his attention. He can pick you up or put you down depending on what mood he is in. I am not saying there isn't some affection there, he probably values you as a good friend, but he can't commit because he is carrying too much baggage. Your a dependable, kind caring healthy fun person for him to lean on. You will even climb into his bed to comfort him.
I think your giving too much out of love for him and your scared to withdraw that love and support from him, firstly because you love him and secondly because it may end the relationship.
He is using your love and attention as a life raft while he waits for the ex girlfriend to come back.
Your heart is breaking because your doing all you can, using your best effort to try to make yourself his everything and he isn't falling madly in love with you.
This is such a painful thing to go through and I fully understand why your doing it. You only show your pain and dissapointment when your alone, because to show him would risk the end of the relationship.
I wonder what he would do if you took a 'time out' dissapeared from his life for a while and started dating other people? I wonder how long it would be before he came looking for you? Perhaps it would be your opportunity to find love with someone new and forget about him. I think he's using you.
Give yourself time to really see whats going on here, it might change your opinion of him and you might then be able to move on.
with love
Aunty Em xx
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