A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I have a step daughter who spends time with my boyfriend and I every 2nd weekend. She's 8 and is a really kind kid. I know our weekend activities will be different because she's with us. I don't mind going to the zoo, science centre with her. However, I feel stress when I am with her. I want to be myself, but I'm not a kid's person deep down. My boyfriend is not as well. But I feel the kid should feel happy everytime she spends her weekend with us, so I made myself into a perfect step-mother. Everyone loves me and everyone believes I'm the perfect step-mom. This is making me stress to score 100% all the time. I'm young and have no experience being a mother. I know I can't be like this forever, so I talked to my boyfriend about it. He said I'm worrying about nothing. He thinks I just haven't gotten used to having her in our life. He suggests for us to go on a vacation together. It's now stressing me out even more. I've never been on a holiday with a kid (not even a young cousin or something). I don't know how to explain to my boyfriend who I'm feeling.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (14 June 2008):
 Hi again
Sorry if my reply to you sounded more like War and Peace and glad some of it helped.
I now understand a little more of what you were trying to say earlier.
I think the fact that your bf is not overly patient with kids is the fact that he is not living with her permanently and so when he does get to spend time with her he maybe forgets how she is to deal with. I know my ex has a smaller tolerance for our daughter who is 7 than I seem to have as I deal with her needs every day.
I look at my daughter who is a tall 7 year old and sometimes think she is older than she actually is but I also allow her to do some things herself as she is more than capable of doing them i.e. toilet on her own and being able to get a cheestring snack out of the fridge if I have said it is OK for her to have it. When she pours herself some fruit juice or attempts to make a squash she is sometimes a little shakey holding the bottle but they are sometimes quite large for her so I do help her at those times. I don't allow her to go near anything hot at the moment and I just see that as common sense right now. When she is older that is a different matter.
What I think is important is that we sometimes forget their age and they do enjoy cuddles and having a hug and a kiss if they have fallen over and hurt themselves and these things are the norm I feel.
I fully appreciate the fact that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place in as much as the fact that NO you are not her parent but you are there to care for her if your bf is not around or when she is with you both on a weekend. Yes I see your point about being friends with her and that is fine if you don't try too hard to make her warm to you.
My ex's girlfriend does not do children very well at all and she has 2 nephews and a niece who she adores but she is just not sure how to handle my daughter who is older than them and she doesn't know how to respond when my daughter says she loves her as my daughter (who is called Chanice) who is very much a loving child and loves cuddles and kisses she finds it strange that the girlfriend does not reciprocate as most people say they love her but the girlfriend said I can't tell her a lie as she is not an overly expressive woman herself. That I did find hard as it confused Chanice no end and there lies the problems I think.
I can understand that your upbringing was very different and your culture does not give the same freedom of expression that the western culture does but I think if you can allow yourself to relax a little more and yes use common sense with your bf's daughter on what she can and can't do I think you will be fine.
There is a fierce struggle for independence at the age of 7 upwards so allow her some small responsibilites like laying the table or getting out bits to put on the table for meal times. Emptying bins in the house or tidying up her toys so that she keeps her areas clear. Maybe make her a box for pens or paper so she knows what areas are hers in your home so that she feels some space is all hers too.
Do think about the Bach Flower Remedy as it generally helps me at stressful times and it is non addictive and very natural OK for both you and your bf.
Take care.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you, Country Woman, for your long response. I can see from your reply that you’re a very good mother.
You’re right, I’m not officially married to my boyfriend but it feels like we are. I’m 25 and my boyfriend is 27. He had the girl when he was very young (he was married for 3 years and his ex-wife cheated on him). He loves his daughter a lot. He can play with her, she listens to him well. He just isn’t very patient with kids sometimes. I, myself, am not a kid person because I grew up in a different culture (Asian), where kids are very discipline. I was raised with main focus is on school. I look at my parents are authority figure and will never say no to them. I was a very well behaved kid. I understand western kids are different. The idea of being a step-parent is very foreign in my culture too. In Asian culture, all step parents treat the kid poorly. That might be why I feel like I have to be a 100% perfect for my boyfriend’s girl.
I’m very good with kids around 10-18. I think teens are fun to talk to. However, I don’t do well with little kids. I don’t do the Barbie thing or other kids thing. I never did anything like that when I was young. I had a piano as a toy (I’m a pianist now). I scored high in school in every subject. That’s all I remember from my childhood. It’s kind of sad when I think about it.
Everyone keeps telling me I can only be a friend to her and not a parent. I understand that. But I also have to play the role of someone who takes care of her when she’s hungry, when she’s sad, when she’s cold. My boyfriend thinks she’s old enough to take care of herself, so I shouldn’t worry about it, but I don’t agree with him. How can you expect an 8 year old girl to do everything for herself. This is where all my stress lies.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (13 June 2008):
OK so I am a little confused here, you say you have a step daughter, is this child your bf's as if that is the case you are not married to him so why would you call yourself a stepmother?
If this child is your bf's then you are just his girlfriend and remind yourself of that fact. You say your bf is not a kid person either but if this child is his then he must have realised when he got someone pregnant that this child is his and he has to have some responsibility for her.
The child is 8 so most children of that age have their moments but you have already said she is a really kind kid so I am not really seeing the problem here. If she was a monster then I could understand your apprehension about it all.
How old are you and your bf btw?
No one is perfect and as a mother to a 7 year old who gives me lots of attitude from time to time and I jokingly say to friends she is 7 going on 17 as it seems as though you get so much more attitude than when I was her age. I am a single mum and lately she hasn't seen her dad for a while due to money and fuel costs at the moment but even though we have some hard times i.e. me having to reign her in with the attitude and back chat we still have a good relationship. Now as a parent I know I am not perfect and so all I can do is try to the best I can for her and to try and guide her.
Telling a child to remember his/her manners around adults and saying their please and thank you's are in my opinion the most important factors, some people may not agree but I think children need some boundaries which are set for them.
If you are a pushover for this child and you constantly buy things for her or do everything she asks so that she is constantly happy then that isn't real life and I am sure that when she is with her mum those times are different.
Why are you trying to be this perfect woman in this child's life, is there an element of guilt here because you are with her father or is there another reason?
What sort of relationship did you have with your own parents?
I don't know how long you have spent time with this girl but it does seem to me like you need to remember what being a child is all about. Try to let down your hair a little, playing games with her and showing an interest in what she is doing whether that is colouring, painting or doing some sort of activity means a lot more to a child as they feel like you are genuinely interested in them.
How about just going out to the park or go swimming or to the beach (depending on if you are near one or not).
I think the key to my stressful times is sometimes a squirt of Bach Flower Remedy (the spray) it is natural herbal remedy and helps to stay calm in stressful situations, not just children related, maybe an interview or something along those lines. Believe me it does help.
Nobody is perfect so don't make yourself into someone who is going to have a pretty big fall off the tall pedestal you have put yourself upon. Be more realistic and natural around her she is a child who is not stupid and believe me if she knows that she can get away with things because there are no boundaries she could be playing up to you just to get things out of you to.
Apparently a child I was told the other day cannot define between being friends and then being told that the person telling them off is being a dominant force in their life. You can't be a friend and someone who gives them boundaries - it is much better for a child to know the rules as they feel more secure and safe than someone constantly trying to be their friend and the next minute telling them off for naughty behaviour.
Let us know how you get on. Perhaps a trip to Disney or something so that you can all have fun and even your child inside of you can come out to. It is in all of us but as adults we try to forget it and I don't know why we are all big kids at heart and seeing a world through children's eyes is great fun too!!
BFN
Country Woman
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