A
female
age
51-59,
Ilha
writes:I have been reading comments and feedback from agony aunts and uncles to queries and questions posted by OPs. Some of the advice, opinions, comments and feedback are encouraging, motivating and insightful But nonetheless many are very negative, judgemental and demotivating. Many people come to this site and post their problems, queries or even questions because they have no one to turn to, or because they feel they can get good and practical advice, comments, feedback or even opinions on the issue at hand. But sadly, this site has become a place where many agony aunts and uncles choose to be the judge and juror to the OPs.What are our roles as Agony Aunts and Uncles?1. We should be objective in our view based on the what ever little fact given to us.2. Never assume. If you want more information in order to provide better advice, ask the OP to provide such information.3. Never judge. Even if what the OP has done is against our principles or moral values /conduct. Why? When you judge, you become less objective. This does not mean you condone their actions. We are here to help, not punish.4. Never be emotional. Some agony aunts and uncles are too emotionally when giving feedback and comments because you have gone through the pain and reliving it through the OPs problem. No two problems are the same. Stop seeing the OPs problems as if it is yours. It is not and will never be because the people involved are different in personality and come from different background. Effective agony aunts and uncles are those who can distance themselves from their own pain and experience to those of others. Only then good, fair and unbiased advice could be presented.5. Be compassionate. Some agony aunts and uncles feel that being harsh helps OPs see the truth. I agree that it may help a few OPs but it does not work on everyone. Most people will shut down when they feel that they are being attacked. When you provide feedback, comments, advice and opinions with compassion, OPs will be more open to disclosing more information instead of being defensive. There are ways to make OPs see the error of their ways in this gentle way.Asking questions that probe their thinking is one way.6. Never compare. Agony aunts and uncles should not compare their husbands/wives or children to the OPs'. We are all different in so many aspects, therefore what is point of comparing our partners or children to that of the OPs'. OPs can never be us and we can never be like the OPs. Our partners and children are not the OPs' and neither are the OPs' partner and children ours. What works in your own relationship may not be appropriate for other people's relationship. Some agony aunts and uncles have even use such comparison to that it has come across as if they are better or superior even though this may not be the intention. 7. Stop being sarcastic in providing advice. Please remember that some of the OPs may not understand the sarcasm that a few agony aunts and uncles tend to use. Anyway, there is no need to be sarcastic towards the OPs. Sometimes, what is so clear (in what actions to take)to us may not be to the OPs because they are clouded by their emotions or they just want a second opinion or confirmation of what they already know. If you think their problems are not worth your time, refrain from posting any feedback. 8. Ask yourself the reason you want to provide feedback, comments, opinions and advice to any posts. Do you want to help or criticize? Do you think it would be beneficial? Can you be fair and objective? Lastly, it would be great if all agony aunts and uncles provide feedback, comments, suggestions, comments and advice by signing in instead of being anonymous. Most anonymous comments are the harshest and just tells me that he or she is afraid and prefer to hide. Everyone should take responsibility of any comments make and the administrator should look into this. Reply to this Article
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): I'm new to this site and I find most comments well thought and full of insight. However, there is a personal responsibility to all that submit advice to be sensitive and empathetic. There will be those that are harsh in terms of their delivery; but no one should take comments from total strangers too personally. You skip over advice that you find unacceptable or offensive, and move on to those comments that suit you. I think the rules are sufficiently published. I hope people continue to feel free to express themselves with the intent to help others. Even doctors, professors,politicians,lawyers,teachers, and clergyman must use tough language to make a point when appropriate. That doesn't mean they are necessarily being judgmental. They are emphasizing a serious point. Simply taking responsibility for what you say and knowing how your words reflect on you as a person is quite enough. The knowledge that hundreds of others are reviewing your advice and judging the aunt or uncle, will certainly boomerang back on those who are mean-spirited. We're all human and have emotions.
A
female
reader, Ilha +, writes (8 February 2013):
Ilha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy dear Jonas,
Thanks for your support and feedback.
1. There are OPs that do not respond to agony aunts and uncles questions.
If the OPs are reluctant to divulge information asked, then there is only so much we can help.
Sometimes OPs fail to appreciate the time we take to analyse and understand their problems before dispensing the best advice we think best suit them.
I usually just leave such OPs alone if they refuse to provide updates or information needed by us.
2. I agree that there have been harsh and rude comments hurled at agony aunts and uncles. People tend to forget one person's garbage is another person's treasure.
Never let such negativity affect your self esteem as an agony aunt. I have myself provided feedback on other agony aunts and uncles' comments but I have always been tactful in my comments as I respect them as fellow agony aunts and uncles.
If they are unable to be polite and respectful to you, just ignore them or provide feedback to them in how best they should have gone about giving comments on your views. I have done so when I was attacked, but instead of being harsh like them, I was polite and stern at the same time saying to them that such comments were unnecessary. Usually, it works.
Never ever bring yourself to their level by being as harsh as them. By being compose and polite, you already proof that you are unpertubed by their antics. Never second guess yourself if you have thought through the advice you gave.
3. Lastly, I do agree that many agony aunts and uncles tend to judge partners who have strayed and the other women who got involved with married partners. I agree with your views that there are many contributing factors to why they got themselves into such situation.
The ability to emphatize is sadly non existence in today's world. We should not confuse sympathy with empathy.We have to always try to see the the problems not only from the OPs point of view and also from the other parties involved. Putting ourselves in someone else's shoes help tremendously as agony aunts and uncles.
Most agony aunts and uncles sympathizes the 'wronged' parties. I know DC does not condone any illegal activities and immoral acts or values, but again, we should not impose our self righteousness on others. Let the court of law has its say on those who have committed crimes and let GOD be the judge, juror and executor for those who have sinned.
All of us have sin in one way or another, no one is perfect. If we think this way, we become more humble and readily accepts people as they are. Mistakes are inevitable as human beings.
It is great to know that there are still agony aunts and uncles who are doing a fantastic job here. We are one of them and should continue to be so despite all the obstacles we face.
Keep in touch, Jonas and Abella, at anytime if at anytime you need support or a place to vent your frustration. We are a network that should support one another.
Love having friends like you on DC.
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A
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reader, Ilha +, writes (6 February 2013):
Ilha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Abella for your input and feedback. Really appreciate it coming from someone who has been on this site for a long time. Your feedback has provided me many new information about DC. Anyway, since writing the article, I found that I suddenly have haters, which I know is part and parcel of human nature. The poor ratings I am getting will spur me to think more critically and try my best to provide better feedback to any problems post.Look at the article that I have written as a suggestion to become better agony aunts and uncles. No one has to agree to what I have written. Each of us has our own perspectives on how we should go about dispensing advice, feedback and comments. We have the choice to use, reject or be selective with any information or input given. Thanks Abella, once again, for both your feedback, really informative.
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reader, Abella  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 To me the DearCupid.org guidelines seem completely reasonable and well worth re-reading from time to time.
And help to encourage good practice on this wonderful site.
I find text speak difficult to read. I can text fast, yet I like using whole words when I do.
If there is a real word then why not use it, instead of re-inventing a word. Spell check is very easily accessed if you have trouble spelling.
Contrast WANNA versus correct English of WANT TO
Wanna is not a real word
OR GONNA versus the correct English of GOING TO
Gonna is not a real word.
Grammar is another issue. As the many responses to this article show.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/does-grammar-matter-when-people-communicate-today-or.html
And here are the Official DearCupid Guidelines that I have copied and pasted from this site: dearcupid.org
"DearCupid posting guidelines
DearCupid aims to provide a safe community for people to seek insight and resolution to their life problems. Please feel free to contribute your comments if you have something helpful to offer. These rules are to help keep DearCupid an emotionally safe place for everyone.
The below are guidelines of what DearCupid will NOT accept, before you submit a posting, be it a question or an answer. By using DearCupid, you must agree to all of the following guidelines.
1) No submissions are accepted that contain harsh character judgements, victim-blaming and other unnecessary, unhelpful comments that may cause emotional distress/harm to others.
2) No submissions are accepted that encourage or incite illegal activities and/or encourages violence upon others.
3) No submissions are accepted that contain excessive profanity, and/or inappropriate, overly explicit/pornographic comments.
4) No submissions are accepted that use text chat eg:. "hello m8 chattin watz up" or “y r u so upset? Dont b dat way!” Please try your utmost to make your submission as clear as you can.
5) No submissions are accepted that use "CAPS" or "Answers With The First Letter Of Each Word Capitalized"
6) No submissions are accepted that could cause flame wars. We ask all posters to display a mature restraint-do not bait, embarrass nor publicly humiliate the questioner and other responders on the threads. Trolls will be banned.
7) No submission will be accepted that will 'hijack' an OP's thread. If this happens, your comments will be taken off the thread. Stay on topic.
8) No submissions and or usernames are accepted that contain any of your personal information such as: names of yourself or others, email addresses, home addresses, phone numbers or links to your social networking sites myspace, facebook etc.
9) No submissions are accepted, that contain links to pay websites. If you include a link please ensure it is related to the topic on the thread and it is a good, reputable, non-profit helpful website. (E.g. WebMD, Al-Anon, AA, etc.) DearCupid prides itself on the personal interaction with which the Aunts offer advice: We ask users who offer helpful links to include a few words about the link and why it is helpful.
10) No submissions are accepted where users are looking to hook up and seeking a dating partner. Dear Cupid is not a dating site.
11) No submissions will be accepted that contain references to suicide or self harm. If you are experiencing these thoughts, we advise you to call your local suicide crisis hotline or see your family doctor and ask for professional help.
12) The public forums are used for the users to interact in a fun, social way. If a user submits a question on the public forum it will be deleted. Please refer back to the homepage and submit by clicking on the red letters "Ask for help". Spam/advertising will be deleted.
Sometimes, users will accidently submit the same question numerous times, at the time of hitting that submit button. The moderators will catch that and allow ONE to be published. If you have a published question on the site, please use the 'follow up' option if you need to add further comments to your question.
DearCupid does receive a lot of 'asked often' questions. The site has a huge archive of advice on specific topics. Please note that the DearCupid moderators may encourage posters who have submitted an 'asked often' question, to search the site for their answers.
Please remember that DearCupid has a readership that encompasses adolescents to the elderly. So we ask all users to please proof-read and consider the content of their postings, when submitting answers and questions, on this site.
Dear Cupid reserves the right to edit all questions/answers where deemed necessary."
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reader, Abella +, writes (6 February 2013):
I read this article and thought, ah, I think along these lines on occasions. I do think ,many many Aunts and Uncles go to great lengths to give very good answers. And with over a million answers there are going to be a percentage that will be tougher than others.
Occasionally posts do get through that are harsh and Moderators do remove some - that's when one reads a harsh post at 7pm and an hour later at 8pm the post has been removed. Obviously effected quietly by a Moderator. You might think that removal might make the Aunt or Uncle think, oops I was too harsh.
But maybe some people don't think like you and I think. I've been at an airport and have been speechless (rare!!) at exceptionally rude arrogant and well presented people speaking to check-in staff as if the staff were dogs. I really cringe when I see such arrogance. But such people have become out of touch and arrogant and so think they have a right to speak so harshly and be so rude and arrogant. Let's hope none of them want to be on DC in the future.
The most harsh posts that are moderated are removed by moderators before the posts get to be published.
Moderators also do have the ability to remove very harsh posts noticed after the post is published on the site.
I agree that anonymous posts are where sometimes people might feel more able to say more than they would (if not anonymous). But ALL anonymous posts are moderated. And I suspect that Moderators scrutinize every anonymous post very carefully.
Another issue is that all people have different views and outlooks. I was once soundly criticized for referring to and using the word 'husband' on the basis that it was assumed (incorrectly) that I think everyone feels the need to be married.
So to respect other's views I try to say 'partner' now to mean 'significant other' or live-in-lover or married partner or unmarried partner.
I actually like saying partner now as I hope it covers every domestic partner, lover, de-facto, and all the other variations above etc etc.
I commend you on your article.
Here's a challenge to anyone - if you think your advice is completely fair and unbiased and is not too harsh - then try posting your answers for one month
as anonymous (but still logged in to DearCupid). But without adding your DC 'name' into the post.
If all your answers are written as you normally write answers then all of them should pass through Moderating as OK and not overly harsh, judgemental etc.
But if, at the end of one month, you find that a high percentage of your posts are rejected by those who Moderate then maybe it's time for a rethink?
But I don't think that some posters would ever think their posts are too harsh.
My pet dislikes are answers such as:
'didn't you post something like this in Jan 2009?' who cares? An OP can ask questions as often as they want to. That's why they come here. If an OP wants to ask a question about a BF every week then ask. If an Aunt or Uncle is outraged by this then find another question to answer.
If any post is too harsh or mean or unkind etc then contact DC with a site question - see the Forum. A Moderator will always be around to answer a post in the Forum. But do it quickly. Not weeks or months later.
A great book called 'Crowds and Power' by Elias Canetti (surname from memory) says that every group develops a personality determined by the collective views of those who comprise the persons in the group.
So every one of us in DearCupid.org is important to the whole. Everyone has a right to feel safe to ask questions and answer questions, as long as our posts adhere to the very reasonable guidelines for posting on this site.
All that said I get really sad when some Aunts and Uncles leave this site. I miss seeing Bernard's posts and his amazing musical knowledge. I am really sad when I can't find a long term poster on the site.
We all have so much to contribute. And the really Good Guidelines for posts help make it so.
This is a wonderful site. Thank you for your 'wake-up call' message contained in your most interesting article
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