A
female
age
41-50,
*4Tamara
writes:I am 34, divorced (3 times over) with five kids ranging from 15 to 3. I ended my first marriage because my husband thought he was gay. I ended the second because he was seeing several other people and became an alcoholic and abusive. I ended my third marriage by putting him in prison for sexually abusing his own children and mine. I dated a friend of mine a year after that, that I had known for 8 years. He turned out to be an asshole and I dumped him when he asked me to marry him.A few months after that, I accepted position as one of a couple of girls that a currently divorcing man was seeing. He was 21 years older and my art professor at college. A month after seeing him the man of my dreams asked me out. My Speech/Theater professor. He was also 24 years older than I. It blew me away first of all,...becasue he has been happily married for 24 years. Also,....I would never have expected him to talk to me about anything other than school or general things. He has always been regarded as the best professor and man by most everyone he knows. He is well known in theater realms and highly respected by several well known speech book publishers. He is among the past famous attendees of a certain university and has even taught certain news casters in national television. So it seems I was his first affair in at least 20 years. We were seeing each other for 8 months...last I spoke to him was 3 weeks ago. He promised that he would make up for lost time with me from his busy work schedule....which allowed for us to sneak 20 minutes here and there and then later only allowed for emails to be sent back and forth. Since taking off from work for a month, I have received no answers to any of my emails. I know he has a wedding to plan for his son this month, but you would think he would answer at least ONE email.There is nothing.There is no email stating he wants the affair over. There is no email showing indecision. There is no email answering questions or answering interest in any subject.Just nothing.And I have asked if he just wishes me to go away.He never answered.I wonder if something devastating has happened in his life and have looked for news. Nothing.But you would think he wouldat least send a short email and ask me to stop or give me another excuse. Nothing.He accepts my emails and nothing is ever sent in return. I do not know what to think. He is not the type of man to be crude or callous at all.He is always thoughtful and generous,...even to the point of putting so many other before himself that he has no time for himself and stresses out.His wife always has an itenerary for him and he follows it. He finds it hard to say no to anyone at his job who asks for his input, advice or leadership. He is mostly always willing to help.Due to this,....I find it odd that he would dismiss me without even a word.Besides,...he is a professor of communications!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 July 2009):
 You're right, the world is not changing, but it can.... I like to believe we all hold the power for our own change. Some, by holding to what they believe cause real change. I saw a video last night of an Arch Bishop who's kids were taken from him due to false allegations. Child services were black mailing him, etc. etc. After clearing his name, which took over a year, it took 11 years to have child services held accountable for their actions. One guy accomplished what most wont attempt.
Just because many people live where they are different people outside their home than in, doesn't mean you have to do the same. I like to be different, so I'm just me 24/7. So changes and no covering up. I'd confuse myself if I attempted to do different.
As you said, it being a learning experience. Remember though, if being a mistress again, you won't find true happiness never being able to keep the prize. You've had some bad experiences, but that doesn't exclude you from deserving something that's real. Someone who always comes home to you because there is no place he'd rather be. That's what you deserve, and don't settle for anything less. Settling for less is like saying you don't believe you deserve the best. I don't have to know you to know that you do. I believe everyone does, and that there's someone out there ready to give it, although it may take some time finding that someone. I may be harsh with words, but my hope for you is nothing less than the best.
Take care.
A
female
reader, 34Tamara +, writes (19 July 2009):
34Tamara is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni do not need to date married men...i said this was the first affair i had ever had.i think Quirk Lady is right about it being over and me hanging on for crumbs...and that is because he is the first guy i have ever fallen for that was such an amazing person.and it is hard to let go when someone like that has displayed much affection for you and then stops.and to Ron, i thank you for the words you say even though they seem somewhat abrasive.everyone has made a mistake in their life. sorry your wife cheated on you and kudos to you for being a better person. but i learned the hardway, to never think you are above anyone else. eventually, if not through a fault of your own, then through someone else, you get shown differently.i admit to my kids when i make a mistake and i am open with them to let them know where i fall and where i succeed. yes i try to be the best role model i can be and this affair was not a good choice for that, but at least they see me as human and not impervious to failing and learnng from my mistakes...which keeps us all humble, i would think. life is a continual growing process. you do not succeed inhaving all the answers ever or have start having a perfect tract record just because you hit 30.as far as biblical days go, Quirk Lady,...i will say that the point i was trying to make with that reference, was that having affairs is as age old as the dinosaurs and was even accepted in biblical days....nothing new under the sun. and ,ron, i was also staing that man has always done as they please for centuries, whether with a good front to cover for it or blatantly hanging it out for all to see hat they do and that this point i learned as i had gotten older. this point of people standig on sopa boxes and putting on heirs, giving a good show and behind the scenes they are someone else. everyone has it in one way or another. me deciding to become a mistress for the first time ever after being on the opposite end of that,...was a decision that showed my acceptance of how i felt things were never going to change in this world and to just go ahead and enjoy life whenever and wherever i could.as for my feeling of accomplishment...no you read into that wrong...as i said i was just truly greatful to ever had had the opportunity to be close to him...now that i guess i should accept the fact that it is over, due to his nonexistent replies.... i have learned from the experience or mistake, but i still do not regret the time that was spent...because they were happy memories even if i still got hurt in the end.thank you both for replying....i am glad to see what you have written, whether you have chosen to write harshly or not. both of you opinions are appreciated.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (19 July 2009):
 Well I think when you stop talking to someone that's a pretty obvious answer that you don't want them around anymore. Like you said, it's not hard to answer an email. He's not answering you because your affair is over. Done. You can hang on if you want to hoping for a couple of crumbs of affection but you'd be wasting your time. He's just too much of a punk to tell you to your face. Common decency isn't that common.
But I get the sense that you think getting crumbs of affection is normal. You have been burned and hurt quite a few times and I think going for unavailable men is your way of keeping your heart safe. Can't have another terrible marriage if the guy is already married to someone else, right? Unfortunately, as you can see, it doesn't prevent you from heartbreak at all.
I think that you should see a therapist and talk about the pain still in your heart. You are a real person and no real person should have to settle for a half assed relationship done in 20 minute increments.
BTW, in Biblical times smallpox was incurable, the average life expectancy was 35, every time you got pregnant there was a 50/50 chance you would die, you could be stoned to death for wearing pants or eating shellfish and a flushing toilet was a rarity. Progress is a wonderful thing.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 July 2009):
First of all, biblical times, the wife and lover knew about each other, and this behavior was accepted between them. Tell his wife about it, if she's okay with it then you can relate this affair to biblical times.
Not all guys treat women the way you've been treated.Getting close to such a man. If you were his wife, you'd be staying home waiting for him, while he's out playing. Isn't that part of what you didn't want to be involved with before?
I don't cheat, nor am I abusive. I'm not because those characteristics are not who I am. My ex cheated. I never did, because I won't allow her behavior to be an excuse to lower my standards of who I choose to be.
Reading what you wrote both times, It seems as if you almost feel a sense of accomplishment by this affair. What really took place. (1) You became close to someone you can't have. (2) You're hurt because affairs aren't designed for emotional structure. (3) You feel as if he's obligated to contact you, even though the only woman he has any real commitment to is his wife. Did you consider he's not contacting you because he feels as if you've gotten to emotionally close, or that his wife was getting suspicious?
You need unmarried men to be with. You're allowing your emotions to progress further with someone who's not yours. You'll end up getting hurt over and over again. You need someone you're free to love, and who'll love you back without complications interfering with what the two of you can do together. Isn't it better to have love, than to love someone who goes home to his wife every night. Someone who comes home to you because that's where he wants to be. Don't you get tired of your bed being empty, not being the one who's first, but the one who's used to add fun to his life?
On the other hand, what do your kids deserve? I live by a simple rule. I live as if my children are my audience. If I can't share what takes place in my life with them, I probably shouldn't be doing it. Can you share being a "mistress" with them? Would it be okay for you if they're asked if you're married, and they say "no, cause she keeps married men happy." Looking at your kids, and being the parent responsible for teaching them what's proper and not proper. Can you honestly say, if they got involved in having affairs, you'd approve of their decision?
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A
female
reader, 34Tamara +, writes (19 July 2009):
34Tamara is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell,...I became a mistress when I saw that in this world men will do as they please...whether it is ever known or not. Same can be said for both genders, I suppose...but I was young and naive. Men and women have had marriages and lovers since back in biblical days when then it was not frowned on as much.
If my husband had not become and alcoholic and abusive to boot,..and I had not been so naive,..I would have said for him to have his flings as long as he didn't mind mine or shared his and not divorced him. However the drinking and cruel and unusual punishment ensued.
Yes,...now I bear the same "fault" of possibly causing some other woman pain....but as you said it takes two. He started it and I went along with it.
I already know my place in the scheme of things, but yes, since we have not had bad terms between us and knowing the person he is,...he should have the common decency to at least say something.
As for not dating married men. This is my first affair. I never thought as an adult I would...yet, I have and there is a big part of me that is not sorry. Despite this age old taboo of affairs, I consider myself lucky to ever have been close to such a man.
That being said, knowing he is so, only reiterates the fact he should reply.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 July 2009):
So, you divorced "one" of your husbands for having affairs, then you become part of the affair against their marriage, wife and kids. So, you're heartbroken over a guy who's not yours to begin with, just as your ex-husband had not right to be with those other women while married to you.
On the same side, it'd be nice if people would let others know when contact is over, as a sign of general respect, even in relationships which have no commitment or obligations such as this one. But still. no commitment or obligation, means it's not priority over his family to assure he contacts you.
My recommendation, stop dating married men. How did you feel when your husband was unfaithful, and you're passing on the possibility of that pain to other wives. I understand it's the fault of the husband as well, but you've chosen to include yourself as part of the problem.
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