A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for almost 5 years I got married really young it was the day after my 18th birthday. I love my husband very much, but I don't think I am in love with him anymore. I am extremely attrated to another man. This has happened once before maybe like a year and a half after we got married, back then I crossed the line, I got with the other man. I soon after told my husband and we seperated for 6 months and it sucked. Well its happening again I haven't crossed the line this time, I don't know what to do, I have 3 kids with him that we love very much. But I can strongly say that I don't feel anything for him. I don't want to have sex anymore with him. We are never together when I am home he leaves and we he gets home I leave for work. I am very confused and don't dare talk to him about it for the fear he will think that I have already cheated again. I know that the other man that I am attracted to is also attracted to me and he is also married. I really do need advice please help me.Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): I understand where you're coming from completely. I, too, married young. It took me eight years to get out of the mistake I made. However, my family and friends told me long before then that it was time to MOVE ON! So, what did I do? I made yet another mistake and hooked up with the first "rebound guy" I found.
My second husband and I have two beautiful children and have been together almost three and a half years now. If I'm honest, I will admit that it isn't a very grand life. In fact, I often question if we'll end up separating or even divorcing. He is much younger than I. Therefore, he comes from a different "era" where there is no such thing as opening doors or paying for dinner. There is hardly even washing a dish or taking out the trash in our "fairytale" marriage. Worse still, he comes from a culture where to be anything other than macho is viewed as sissy. So, there have been more than a few times when I or my children have been at the receiving end of brute words. Finding myself attracted to other men is oh so easy to do. However, I owe it to myself and to my family to know my mind in order to make my actions clear.
With that said, I personally think you got married too young. I never did finish my psych degree, but for the classes I did take I remembered learning that women don't really know who they are or what they want until they're about 25 years old. Perhaps you have reached that stage in your life and now realize what it is that you need from a partner. Think about it carefully. Write down the likes and dislikes about both men. Write down the pros and cons of leaving vs. staying in your marriage. Seek out a counselor (even if it is only for a session or two) and pose this same question to them - just to get a professional opinion (although what will probably happen is that they will simply guide you with a series of questions to find the answer for yourself).
Most importantly, if you finally do realize that you and your husband are poorly matched, do not stay together simply due to fear of change or the sake of the kids. That is basically a life sentence of misery. You CAN raise your children on your own - other women do it all the time and with even more kids (my mom did it with four). However, do NOT... I repeat, do NOT begin a physical (sexual) relationship with the man you're attracted to. First off, sex for a woman is different than sex for a man. We get emotional attached when we are physical. Men, for the most part, do not. It is simply physical for them. You will muddy up your thinking capabilities if you become romantically involved with the other guy. Therefore, thoroughly work out whether or not you want to remain with your husband first. If you decide you don't, then leave. Then and only then, pursue another relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): I am in a worse boat than you are. I have lost love for my husband ages ago and lost the person whom I loved at work as well( didn't cheat or preceed with him), trying to work on my marraige. Now I am in a marraige with no love, just sticking on for the sake of my kid. And I have lost the guy whom I love as he had to move on. I have to blame myself for all of it. I have many reasons why I shouldn't be with my husband, and every one would support me if I left him. But I decided to stay and work on a loveless marraige. Still dont know is it worth it?Go by your own instinct. Some times being in a marraige works some times not. Do what your inner insticnt says.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): It is a major red flag when you are married and attracted to someone else. I am in the same boat.Obviously, your marriage and partner is not fulfilling you and same with the other married guy. You have to decide if you want to save your marriage or be with the other man. Will he leave his wife to be with you? Or would you just be satisfied with having an affair?This is a tough problem and I am living through it as well. I am focusing all my energy on this new man who is also married and have no interest in my husband. Right now I would choose the new man over my husband. We both feel a huge attraction and a strong connection with each other and we know it. Instead of walking away, we are both encouraging it and getting closer to each other. I know where it will lead if we don't stop. But we can't seem to stop ourselves. It just feels so right. I know morally and on every level that what we are doing is wrong. But I believe that sometimes it takes this situation to tell you that maybe you were not as happily married as you once thought. Maybe you would be happier with someone else. And there is nothing wrong with that.You should never feel you have to work on a marriage because this is what is expected. It does not have to be a life sentence. If you still love your husband, then work on it. If you don't, you should not stay with him. It would only be a matter of time before the marriage ends anyway. It would not be fair to either of you. Truly, life is too short. Sadly many people stay in unhappy marriages because of finances, children, comfort etc. If they would just be honest with themselves and have the courage to take steps to find true happiness, ultimately they would be much better off. It is not selfish to want to be happy. If you do not want to have sex with your husband anymore, I see this as a big warning sign. A sign that the marriage is already dead. I understand that you have children and we all feel that they need both parents but not if both parents are not happy with each other. Everybody always pushes people to work on their marriage and rightly so if there is love there. But sometimes people fall out of love and grow apart. And there are many reasons for this. No sense in beating yourself up over it. It happens.Think about what you want to do. You have to make a decision either way. I know it is hard but it has to be done. Do you love your husband still? Are you willing to work on your marriage? Or do you not love him anymore and would rather have a life without him?It would be unfair to start a relationship with the new man while you are both married, unfair to your spouses, children and yourselves. If the other married man really cares about you, he will not pressure you to sleep with him. And you should not cave in. If you tell him you won't be intimate with him until both of you leave your spouses, you will be able to see his true colours before you get in too deep.Hope this helps at all.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (22 April 2011):
 There will always be attractions. You are supposed to feel attractions. You might not be attracted to your husband because the relationship has slipped. What happens if you leave your husband for the new guy and then become attracted to another guy, then another, then another. Eventually you have to decide what you really want, constant attraction or a "relationship". You can not save a relationship if you've decided the attraction of something new is more enticing. It's difficult to get excited about an old faithful dog on the porch when you see a new puppy. You have to undestand all the aspects of waht defines the "value" of a realtionship. History, trust, respect, children, love etc. When you respect all those things (and others) the attraction will be there. You're not wrong for feelings you have, they're feelings, they just happen. When you choose to nurture those feelings, you're crossing a line. By choosing to nurture them, you're ignoring your marriage and causing more damamge.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 April 2011):
 This is and always will be the toughest dilemma in the book and honestly there is no right answer... Whenever I see a question like this I'll weigh in a few things before I give an answer. If the husband/wife is violent/crazy/abusive, etc. then yeah, by all means I'll say "leave now!"... but this is just temptation. Temptation is always going to crop up from time to time in a serious relationship, getting married is basically saying that you'll resist that temptation. Welcome to married life. Personally I think you'd be stupid to break up your family simply because you're attracted to another married man. How bout you guys get different jobs or sort out your schedule so that you spend more time together and can reignite that spark and cut all contact with this other guy. Cos right now it just sounds like you've fallen out of love because you never see each other... not because you hate each others guts.Just my 2 cents.Work on your marriage... for better or worse.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2011):
 I'm not that surprised that you're experiencing this. You got married really early, and you have three kids who I'm thinking are all very young?
You are using other men as an escape from your life. With your husband and baby's dad, you've associated him with the hardships of being a mom, a marriage that has gotten stale, and a life that isn't exciting. With the other guy and this new one, you feel young, exciting, alive, and adventurous. The two of you are having intellectual conversations, grown up communications, and not fussing over bills, parenting, and grown up responsibilities.
You must find better ways to escape. You need a hobby or a creative outlet which doesn't involve betraying your husband. Also, if you care about your husband, the two of you need to take regular time for each other. Try something new together, or revisit something you forgot about when you became parents.
Put that restless energy into the adventure of marriage. When it's neglected, of course you open the door for infidelity. Remember though. what you're feeling is a smokescreen. It is a mirage. It will not make you happy to cheat with a married man, and you'll be devastating his wife as well.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (22 April 2011):
 If you want to stay married to your husband, stop all the other rubbish, grow up and work on your marriage. Try marriage counselling, try something. If you don't want to be married to your husband, then leave and start a new life. There is no in-between. And stay away from this latest attraction - HE IS MARRIED.
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