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female
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*otdesired
writes: My husband and I have been married for 18 years and he is truly my best friend. The problem is that he has no desire for sex. I've tried everything, and keep being turned down. He says he's just tired and doesn't have the energy. We have sex 1 or 2 times per year and it's always a quickie in the morning. I have been carrying on an online relationship with an old love and want to be with him, but i really do love my husband and would miss our "friendship" terribly. I have already talked to my husband about my desires and needs, but nothing ever changes. He just makes me feel shallow for mentioning it. I don't know what to do!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2006): AARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!, do not tell your hubby about this other guy!, the annonymous agony aunt who replied to your question should not be givving that type of advice.
Sorry but ti makes me mad when people respond to questions without thinking!.
Ok I agree with Lemonpixie, I think you should seriously consider going to marriage counselling, or a sex therapist.
But I also think you should stress to him how he makes you feel when he refuses you sex, after all you are in a serious relationship and its unfair to assume that your just being shallow.
I had a similar problem with my husband not too long ago and we managed to get thorugh it. I discovered that he did wnat to have sex more but he felt like he didnt have the drive, so maybe your partner has the same problem.
This is going to sound really obvious but th eonly way he got over this was having more sex!!, silly I know but in order to push up ones sex drive the body needs to experience more sex, more regularly.
ok I hope I have given you a little light at the end of the tunnel.
good luck
xx
A
female
reader, Lemonpixie  +, writes (2 November 2006):
 I would suggest sex therapy, or marriage counseling. You wont feel as "shallow" if someone else reckonizes it as an important issue. Sex is an important part of a marriage... people dont realize this... although it shouldnt be the main thing that holds two people together at the very least it should be a once a month activity to connect. Have you tried dressing up? Offering to do things like oral sex? These may help out.
If all else fails let him know there is a problem, you are starting to love him as a friend and not a lover, because the sex is so absent. And i wouldnt mention you and this other man, however you may suggest if things dont improve that you will need to do something about it. Also don't attack him, and don't say i need sex, let him know you want to feel desired and sexy, and wanted... that shouldnt seem shallow. Good luck, update when you can!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2006): I would tell your husband about this other man and tell him your desires and why it is making you do things like this. If he knows this then maybe he will get his ass in gear.
The problem is are you sure that you want to give up your relationship with your husband for this other man?
Sure he may seem like he has all the answers to your problems, but will it last? If he is an old lov, surley there is a reason why you broke up in the first place, or a reason why you couldnt be together? Why doesnt this still stand?
Make sure you are 100% sure you are making the right desision. There are other means of pleasure. Ask your husband if there is anything you could do to put him in the mood, or try a sex theorpy course or something.
Dont give up after all this time!
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