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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a 33 year old woman, married for 10 years. I love my husband very much for the person that he is. He is kind and considerate and makes me laugh. I find him mentally stimulating and we seem to have the same ideas about life and the upbringing of our 2 lovely sons. The problem is that I have somehow never really felt sexually attracted to him (although he is a very attractive man). We do have very frequent sex and I always try and be enthusiastic about it and he is willing to try new things to make it nice for me. Over the years, his intuition has been telling him that I am not all that attracted to him physically. Physical attraction is not something that you can work on or make happen. This has slowely broken his confidence, which seems to have reached breaking point. I love him and would do anything to stirr up an attraction for him, but nothing seems to help and on the quite I am feeling very sexually frustrated. I don't know how our marriage will survive this and I don't want to hurt him. This situation is terrible for both of us, please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2006): I don't see the question mentioning an affair or am I missing something?
You have BOTH helped me, though this is not exactly an answer to this question but may help you decide your values. I have been married for 27 years to a man I do not fancy sexually and have three children. He is a good person, though there have been a couple of issues that prey on my mind, but even though he is 'good' and I feel wracked with guilt at leaving a 'good' man, he is not intellectually stimulating, we argue, have different choices and opinions on everything, nothing in common ... but he is nice and caring and generous and honest...but it is not enough when I do not get some percentage of my needs fulfilled. Some may think this is selfish, but I have tried for 27 years to unselfishly give him what I could not give and I now have depression through the stress of dealing with all the issues he was in denial of to do with money, sex (he has impotance and that often reflects back on a woman as being what they used to call frigid). I am going on about myself, partly because it helps me, and partly because sex is not everything and in view of the experience of Italie and dolli-peg then love is what matters most. I meet people every day who cannot have sex due to poor health of one partner, but they still adore each other, also people feel sexy and when they are single and have no partner, so it is not an essential feature, just a desirable one. I would anything to have the relationship you speak of, prefer to have the attraction too, but sex without the fullfillment of other ingredients of a good relationship I think is worse. There is no way to force you to fancy your husband, but sex therapy may help you to look for positives that you can work on together and keep what you have that is so precious and what many of us seek.
A
female
reader, Italie  +, writes (8 September 2006):
 I was in a similar position too. Only lasted 5 years married to my husband and split up with a kid of almost 2.
I got on really well with him. We could chat for hours, didnt argue much, he was intellectually and morally on the same wavelength as me and, other than the physical thing, it would have been great. The way I thought about it was that on a daily basis I would think about how little attraction I felt and could I cope with that for the rest of my life? I wanted to feel that stir in my stomach and get passionate about someone and it was never going to happen while with my husband. I decided to leave before my son got too old for it to greatly affect him.
I have to say, though that I left after i'd met someone else. I dont know if i'd have had the courage on my own but actually knowing that I had the ability to have these feelings for someone else stirred me in to action. We didnt hook up til after I'd separated but he definitely helped me decide that what I had wasn't enough.
Now, the problem is that I am in a relationship with that guy and we live together but argue a lot and have a lot of issues to the point that I think "I got on so well with my ex and gave it up for this". The grass is very rarely greener!!!
I still talk to my ex and we are on friendly terms but I actually made myself ill with the guilt of what i'd put a decent guy through - denying him his child, having to sell the house........ If he's been bad to me I could have coped with it but he'd done nothing wrong.
I have to say though that I dont think your marriage is going to survive this, especially not with the affair underway. How much would it devastate him if he found out about that? You say he has no confidence and you dont want to hurt him but what would it do to him if he found out about that?
Sorry about the long post but if it doesnt feel right now, its not going to feel right in 10/15 years and do you want to spend the only life you have feeling like this?
Hope I've helped, take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): estimate whether love *will* power a positive result or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): Being together for the sake of the children is all fine and dandy, but being unhappy for the rest of your life due sexual incompatibilities really blow loads... Well, in this case, I guess no loads will be blown.
[ponders] Aside from trying to get your hubby to be all manly (again), there really isn't anything else you can do. You can try suggesting the idea of making a porn film together, maybe even hire someone to take erotic photography between you and your hubby. Role playing can be nice.
However this can be difficult that I can see. Though it's nice to be idealistic, it isn't realistic to base a inconclusive estimate whether love with power a positive result or not. As with almost everything in life, it takes open communication as well as natural action to make things work. If people are forced into doing something when they don't feel it naturally, then it becomes a problem in itself which adds to the overall dilemma.
You can try different mediums of sexuality - threesomes, group sex, gang bangs, watching other couples have sex, watching porn together, maybe even something less obvious like checking out other guys in front of your hubby. This will make him jealous possibly and even disrespectful on your part to a degree, but if he really cares, he would make an effort to... Then again, it has to be natural.
People can argue that if you truly love that person, then that should be enough. Bullcrap. That's all a bunch of nonsense. A part of an intimate relationship is sex. To some, sex is a major part of love - it's a physical and emotional communcative medium.
Anyway, the only other alternative is obviously a divorce, but of course, you'll have to see how that will effect your children, and how to go on about raising your children with your hubby and yourself separated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): Thank you for the reply dolly peg. How did you come to the decision to split up? Did you have any children? I have now also fell in love with a wonderful man, with whom I am very attracted to and we have been having an affair for the last year. I know the situation is very bad.
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A
female
reader, dolly peg +, writes (7 September 2006):
i was in a very simular situation,but unfortunately me and my husband ended up splitting up.i agree with you that you cant make that happen,i also tried for 14 years to fancy my husband sexually,but dont think i loved my husband.
if you still love your husband,i feel sure that you can work this out,as long as the love is still there you can work through anything together.
im gonna suggest the obvious,which im sure you have tried,bringing some romance back in to the relationship, meals out,candles,bathing together etc...
hope you can work things out
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