A
female
age
36-40,
*RSMouse
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. Its not been an easy relationship, his Mum can't stand me and as a result I've been banned from entering their family home for some time. There is no reason for her hate, she's just a possessive parent and can't stand her son having another influential woman in his life.His family have a business, a pub, and he works here, cooking and bar work. As you can imagine, its a very social job, he has a large circle of friends there. His mum doesn't work there, she doesn't work at all, but she does go down from time to time.Recently it was the Birthday of one of my boyfriends close friends from the pub, and he had a party there. My boyfried invited me along. His family were not there, I wouldn't have gone otherwise. The next day, his Mum found out I had been there, and went crazy, and told him I was barred. This being because if she wants to go down there, she wants to know that I won't be there.Just lately with Christmas coming, he's been having to work a lot more. His parents tell him last minute he has to work till close, and this means I get cancelled on. We were meant to go away this weekend, but they told him the day before he had to work, so out trip has been cancelled. We barely get anytime together now, and he is always there, at the pub. Tonight there is a big party there. I wish I could be there, all his friends will be. I don't even get the chance to get to know them, I have to wait for someone to put photos online, thats as close as I can get.I trust him, its not that I think something is going on down there, but I'm really strugling with how to deal with this. I could cope with being on the outside with regard to his family. But his friends too? I constantly feel like I'm on the outside looking in. And when he comes out, our time together is perfect. But as soon as he goes, I don't know when I will see him again, I don't know who he is with, what he is doing and I just feel so alone. After giving 3 years of my life to him, I didn't think it would be like this.I really love him and I know he loves me, but I'm just not coping. I just cry all the time knowing he is there having a laugh while I'm stuck here on my own. I don't want to lose him but I just don't feel I can go on like this anymore, I know I'm about to reach breaking point. Or am I over-reacting. Advice appreciated.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 It sounds like he wont be leaving the comfy nest his parents provide for him any time soon if he is unable to earn a living wage away from his parents business and likes the pampered lifestyle they provide.
It seems to me its down to you in this, you need to decide if you are willing to continue in this relationship where a pampered lifestyle is preferable to a happy girlfriend.
If you are not happy with the status quo give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him to enjoy his pampered life because you are worth more than a car and phone.
A
female
reader, KRSMouse +, writes (11 December 2010):
KRSMouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'll try to give you some more information in as brief a way as i can...
his mum liked me for the first year and a half. i worked part time in a shop while i studied. then i got offered a professional job. i took it, and since then, she just began hating me, banning me from their home a month later. i think me suddenly having a career made her feel i was more of a threat. i agree that she thinks i am replacing her. but i dont want to be his mum, i want to be his partner!
sitting down in the same room as her, at the moment, is an absolute no. i would do it, but i know there is no way she would agree to it. if my boyfriend even tries to breach the subject of why she hates me, she screams and shouts that she doesn't want to even hear my name mentionned. he hates tension, and she is a very frightening woman.
her constant interference caused us to break up for a couple of weeks earlier this year. he couldn't take her sarcastic remarks everytime he came to see me anymore. after a couple of weeks apart, he realised he had to be with me despite her, and came back.
the element of respect is important. he has a very close relationship with his family, working and living with them. they pay for his car, phone bill, the lot. he feels he owes them, as a result, he does whatever they say. ive suggested us getting our own place. but he doesnt earn that much and neither do i, given the current recession here. we could get by, but hes lived a very pampered lifestyle, his family are quite well off, and he said he doesn't want to leave home until he earns enough to live comfortably. however, i dont envisage his dad giving him a payrise anytime soon.
I've been in several long term relationships before this one, but the way I feel about him is different to how I've felt about other guys. I need to work out how to be more a part of his life. I need to know his friends and feel included. But at the end of the day, it is his parents pub, and if they say I'm barred, then there's not a lot we can do :(
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 December 2010):
Maybe its time he looked at taking his customer service skills and cooking abilities and found himself a job where YOU would be welcome.
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A
female
reader, XxMishxX +, writes (11 December 2010):
omg why are you putting up with this?! have it out with both your boyfriend and his mum. why is she so hating of you? surely its got to be more then just a possessive parent? if it isnt then she needs help! he's a man now not her little boy, she needs to let go. your boyfriend needs to tell her to back off, if he doesnt stand up to her then she'll think she can get away with it.
he needs you, him, her and family all in one room and find out what the problem is, maybe over dinner, it lets his family get to know you! see how nice you are and how much you love their son! after 3 years they need to accept you, if they dont i dont think they ever will.
if you dont want to do the dinner thing, your boyfriend needs to tell his mum to accept you or risk loosing him, he should tell his mum he still loves her but he has you, your not replacing her, you are his girlfriend!
it can go two ways, either he'll stick up for you or he wont, if he does he loves you, if he doesnt then hes not worth it. there are other jobs he can do, so he should say no once in a while! "No im off for a weekend with my girl friend"
but trust me girl you need to get him to stick up for himself, thats the only way this is going to get sorted! this is my girlfriend, the one i love, so deal with it kinda thing.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (11 December 2010):
 You're not over reacting. How dare his mum try and control his life!! Your bf is his own person and should be standing up to her. Once she realises that she can't control him, she will just stop trying altogether.
I know there's an element of having respect for his parents in this aswell, but she's taken this too far now. This must be such a rotten situation to be in, and i really feel for you. Perhaps discuss this with your bf, if he knows how you are feeling he may actually do something about this, you say he loves you and i'm sure he will do anything to make you happy.
Best of luck :)
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