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female
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*ara
writes: Hi thereMy boyfriend and I are 'on a break' 'broken up' whatever the logistical difference is. We still care for each other a lot. We are very close and have spent more time together than anyone I've dated in the past even though these past relationships were much longer.How we came to this decision is that I had asked him to come visit me since i'm working out of the country for the next couple months. He was unsure about it and way less enthused than I thought he should be. He was here for a month back in June. Anyway, we had a little more discussion that lead me to understand that he was unsure about things in his life and unsure about us.So I suggested that maybe we take a break from the seriousness of being GF and BF. He agreed. The last two days back at home we were both very sad for us. We spent the last two nights apart even though we knew I'd be leaving. We'd spend our days together biking and walking ... talking and figuring out *the plan* Now I'm back overseas and miserable. I don't know if I made a mistake. Was my suggestion a good idea? Or bad? What about taking a break after only 6 months of dating? Does this happen? Did I expect too much from him to have consistent feelings about us when his life is a bit unclear? His last words to be were 'be good' and 'you are so beautiful' After some thought on his part, he is convinced that his apprehension doesn't have to do with me but him. [I hope he is right] He hates his job, apartment, etc and has low motiviation [due to some depression] to change anything. And I'm trying to deal with this distance and the rules I have set up. I said *the plan* should be that we only talking every couple weeks and see each other when I'm beack home in a month 1/2. To give us that mental space to explore and evaluate. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him.Please let me know your thoughts:(Cara
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reader, Amethyst  +, writes (13 August 2006):
 Oh wow... ok. I misread some of your question (about getting back together)... sorry!! Get together is a broadly used term 'round here.
Hmm.... so he's going through the stage in life where he's unsure of what to do with the rest of his life, and he's unhappy, or he feels like he hasn't done anything with his life.... or at least that's how it sounds.
One speculation of his reaction though: It sorta seems like maybe he's afraid of his feelings, or he's confused. Maybe he loves you, and it scares him? I know a lot of these cases, and this sounds like one... but I could be mistaken, I don't personally know him. ^^;; ...so of course I'm not positive.
I still stick with most of my advice, just cut out the last paragraph. ^^;;
My view on it is that you both really care about each other... and I totally agree with what he said, "if it’s meant to be it will work."
It's never bad to tell someone you care for that you miss them, so of course that won't be bad. I'd say... even though it may be hard... stick with him for a bit. Let him get over his slump, and help him however you can. Offer him a shoulder, a source of comfort for his hectic life, but don't put the pressure on him. Once you're back, somehow find a subtle way to let him know you're ready to try it again whenever he feels comfortable. You know the old saying, "Good things come to those who wait." In the case of love, it's hard, I know it. I'm going through it myself, not as hard in some ways (we're still together) but... I can't see him until he's financially stable... he's trying though.)
Erm, this isn't about me. And on the topic of finance... maybe he feels like he couldn't support you if you two ever decided to make the ultimate commitment... and it hurts? That's a sensative topic with most men... it's pride shattering as well as depressing because if you're in love you want the world for the one you love, and if you can't give it to them... it's depressing.
There are many branches of options this stretches out to... so just take it slow and figure out what the most obvious reasoning is.
But yes, you should tell him you miss him. And if you see an opportunity, ask him whether it has hurt or helped him... but be careful with your timing of this... it's a powerful question. It may put him between a rock and a hard place.
A
female
reader, cara +, writes (11 August 2006):
cara is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there. Thanks so much for your response.
Well, we did not say we are "getting back together" when I get back. We said we would go out or "get together" [to talk] when I get back. No discussions of this is a break with an end. We hoped the relationship would start again with an epiphany.
Here's a but more background...maybe your advice will change maybe it will stay the same:
A little about him: He is 36 with beautiful sweet eyes. He is not happy with where he is in his life regarding finances, home [still rents and has a roomie] and career. He makes great money but doesn’t like what he does. He’s always expressed that he needs to create beautiful things. He’s a carpenter and is great at building furniture, etc. I’ve tried to encourage him back to his creative path but it just hasn’t happened yet. He has amazing creative abilites. I also know he has a tendency for depression and stagnation.
A little about me: I’m 32, have a semi-creative career that has taken me overseas for a few months. My main focus isn’t too much on work right now. It’s more or less my friends, travel, creative projects and what I plan to do for my career in the future. I’m a little overly sensitive and I wish I wouldn’t feel the need to worry so much.
Back in June he came to visit and stayed for a month. Things were super fun. I think that is when I started to fall for him harder. I was trying to keep it cool, but I couldn’t help opening up one night [which I think scared him a bit] while tipsy by giddily asking him if he loved me then told him not to answer. [I know] He was a bit distant the next day and we had a long talk and he made it clear that there was a little unsurity on his part about us. I was pretty hurt. I was ready to shut down up a bit. Putting the helmet on so to speak.
After he parted and went back home, I was still with helmet and I was feeling down because I couldn’t forget our conversation. One conversation over a couple months of non-stop great times, but still. He went home and became a bit depressed too. For different reasons. He was depressed from the letdown of going home after the excitement of the last two months. He was depressed to be back in his apartment with all the clutter and darkness and he was depressed to be back at his job. We talked a lot, I listened and really wanted to help. He expressed how much he missed me, how great he thinks I am, how beautiful, etc. and we were talking about projects we were going to take up together, ideas, and adventures. His spirits lifted. My spirits lifted.
I just got back from a week spent at home and AGAIN things rose and fell. [Which is what I've written here] We went out all over the city. We talked as usual about what he thought he would do to change his life in order do what he loves [create beautiful things] and he was more or less still unsure about how to change jobs, apartments, etc. Unsure even on whether he was happy or hot happy. Nothing was concluded.
I also simply asked him when he would be back down for a visit and he said he didn’t know. [He has another ticket] So then I understood he was also unsure about us still. AGAIN we talked about how he didn’t know what he wanted with us. I became teary. I finally openly told him I loved him and he told me I was beautiful and wiped away my tears. Ugh. He looks to me with love and I feel it. He said he was scared to hurt me. I know he dates noone else. We spend all of our time together when I'm home.
So I told him that I needed time alone and that he certainly does too. I told him we should take a break/break up. I was very upset as I didn’t even expect this conversation to happen. He said “if it’s meant to be it will work”. And he said he really needs to get his life in order. He also told me it was trite and a huge cliché but it is really him not me.
We were both very very sad and took a long walk the last day I was there. I didn’t invite him out with me the last two nights and he spent his time alone. [He doesn't have a ton of friends in town] It broke my heart. I gave him his birthday present, which was a series of yoga lessons, in hopes that he may find it a nice centering reprieve from the worry and stress. I hoped it would be a good outlet and an energizing force in his life, because it has been for me. I know he really appreciated it.
When I left, he gave me a huge hug and told me to be good. [Be good? I thought] Said he'd miss "My Cara" and he said twice as I walked to my door how I was beautiful. Loved to hear it, knew he meant it, but also felt he was really feeling that I needed to hear it.
He made sure I got back safely with a quick benign text message and here I am.
**So I like your suggestion of asking whether this breakup has helped or hurt him. Could we maybe chat casually in in the next month and then I ask him this when I get back? can I tell him casually that I miss him a little when we are on the phone? Would this be bad now that you have read more detail?**
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A
female
reader, Amethyst +, writes (10 August 2006):
Cara, (Hope you don't mind if I add that personal touch...)
Long distance relationships are always hard. Being seperated from someone you love is a terrible feeling, but how does breaking up help? You're both still going to be miserable because you're seperated from each other, and now you have the worries of loosing each other.
I'm not saying you made a mistake, you did what you think is right and what you think would be best for him, right? But... in my personal opinion, love will last through it all. The breakup, the distance, everything. You should ask him if the break up has helped or hurt him, see what he says. Then, act on how you feel about his answer. If he's still miserable, then maybe you two should reconsider. I mean, you did it to help clear your minds, but ended up adding more clutter. You don't want him to think that you really wanted nothing more to do with him, right? Just explain yourself, and let him tell you how he feels. Don't act like you don't care for him, and let him know subtly that you're afraid of losing him, without making it sound like you don't trust him. Just let him know you miss him terribly, you still worry about him, and you still care for him just as much. It shouldn't hurt, right?
On the other hand, you two are getting back together after you come back, right? If you don't like my first suggestion, then maybe you'll like this one. After you two get back together, don't suggest this again. If he thinks it best, let him suggest it.
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