A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It does feel good to be working like I’m IN CONTROL. It’s nice to be the puppet master and not the other way around. The key is CONFIDENCE. Something I ALWAYS thought I had.. till I got tangled with a man. Yes.. a man… how could I let a man let me go soft like that? Hey don’t judge me.. nah JUDGE me please. I made a mistake and now I must mend my ways. So now is a good time as any to FINALLY get DIS-entangled.I take my queues from a self-help book. What’s that I hear? Scoffing? Let me tell you.. scoff ALL you want. In the end, I’m the one who comes out a winner because I let go of my ultra-high moral ground + ego and came back down to earth - trust me the journey down was a painfully long slide down a pole rigged with the best knives ever made - and completely embraced help from people who know their shit! Hey -NO shit, I’m serious! I shall just give a little overview of the sickeningly sweet doormat I used to be. [A doormat is not used in a derogatory way; rather, I’m using it in the way the one-eyed snaked male species see a NICE girl] ***********************************************I WAS COOL[Scenario] After spending virtually NO time with me he finally makes time for me when it was convenient for him. He Says : I’m gonna play a game.I Say : That’s cool [insert smiley face]. My demeanour – I remain totally cool. But inside I’m so sad and broken that after all that time apart, he’d rather play games. I make do with – oh well at least he’s here.Outcome – BHAM! He has total control. I play it cool, but he’s the one who gets what he wants. Company + GAMES!**********************************************I WAS NEEDY [Scenario] I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it and I tell him very nicely because I don’t to pressure himI Say : Hey… [Sounding kinda down]He says : You ok?I Say : Yeah… umm .. love… you still love me yeah? I don’t mean to be needy or anything.. asking.. cuz u know.. kinda din hear from you the whole day.. you used to text me more.. but it’s ok.. I know you were busy .. just yeah .. you love me yeah?He Says : Sorry.. had the boys round din realise the time flew. We just got this new game Max Payne. I’d have said hey, just did not want to miss a minute of it!I Say : [Insert Smiley] That’s ok. At this point I think to myself.. could you not even have at least called or texted in between when you stopped to have meals..a pee break? But I suck it up and smile cuz I am just too darned scared to rock the boat. I HAVE TO BE UNDERSTANDING or I’d stress him out!********************************I WAS NUR-I mean..MOTHERING [Scenario] I would bend over backwards to do everything and anything for him. Stay up late for him, wake up early for him, buy him all the things he loved, make his favourite things send him care packages for his birthday and his favourite tea when he runs low on it.I Say : I bought you the pants you wanted! I can’t wait for you to have it u’d love them!He says : Aww you shouldn’t have! [Goes back to playing games]I Say : You know it makes me happy when ur happy! He receives the gift I sent him….He says : [Looking extremely disappointed and throwing a tantrum] Yeah I received it. It was sweet yeah thanks.. I don’t really like the colour..I Say : Oh, but you wanted the colour [Truly broken hat he hated the gift].. I’m so sorry!He says : It’s ok.. hey you really should stop buying me things. You make me guilty when I don’t like it….On my Birthday….He says : I’m so sorry I’ve been so lazy.. I meant to buy you something… just don’t have time.I Say : Oh it’s ok love.. I really don’t need a gift. Just you is good enough [I’m overly understanding. I feel sad and hurt, but it’s ok cuz I don’t want him pressured].reverence for the man I loved. The man I failed to see was truly a species from Mars. *******************************So now it’s simple. Men like the hunt. So I give the chase. I DON’T bend over backwards to please him and keep him happy. If he scratches my back then I scratch his. Because if they haven’t earned it, they don’t deserve it. I’m sweet and I still believe in unconditional love, BUT it’s on one condition – that he shows me the same love and reverence. If not, it’s adios amigo to you. It’s simple really, PLAY or BE PLAYED. I’ll be nice, but only if he deserves it. If he ignores me, I ignore him. I won’t show him how concerned I am that he gets home safe – I’m NOT his mother. I won’t show him that I worry sick when he’s working too much or if he’s skipped meals. I’m kind enough to give him an ear if he needs it. Kind enough to be sweet if he’s really broken. But I will STOP pampering him like he deserves it. Because until he earns it, he deserves nothing. For this once I will go against my instincts. My instincts always say just love .. give my all. But now, the game has changed. Shame it has to be a game and it’s TOUGH to play this game. But, if you don’t classically condition the man to respect and love you, there’s no way he’d EVER learn.
View related questions:
confidence, text Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ShellyCG. The thing is.. I used the term game loosely. As I explained in one of my earlier psots.. everything in life has a game plan. But it's nto a negative thing.. it's about changing the way you do something that does not work for you. Thanks for trying to explain it Shelly :) I hope you keep at it too and work on loving yourself and embracing the beautiful person that you are :)
A
female
reader, shellycg  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Hi can i just say to all you people out there ... life is a game in some way shape or form ... if its not working for you the way you have always played and i use played in lose term then you change tactics, its not about us women being scorned or being vindictive its about coming to the conclusions of where YOU as an individual went wrong, we ARE ALL THE SAME THE WORLD OVER, no one is any better than anyone else, end of, and theres talk of victims and etc... its got totally way out of hand here, and lets put it into persepective, a man called Dr John Gray wrote a book MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS , what a splendid book we should ALL read it and then we would see each others mistakes for what they are , this man has made millions, and his concepts are very simple it is about playing a game, nothing vindictive, nothing sinister, its about learning the correct way to communicate with the opposite sex with , love, respect , understanding , patience and tolerance, so is that a game if you learn to be these and yourself for the good???? if we didnt make the mistakes we wouldnt know where we messed up.... x
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 June 2012):
 I read Bonnie Eaker Weil's book, make up don't break up, and she talks about the few categories of men who fall into. The ones that are committed, the ones that who need to be conditioned and taught, and lastly the incorrigible ones that you have to stay away from. I forgot what percentages of men are in each category. When I met my boyfriend and saw how easy the relationship is, there is no way I will go back to conditioning men. What a waste of time! Let's say if it takes you three years to meet a committed man, one year to meet a man who need to be conditioned, while men who want casual sex and nothing else are everywhere, I would say wait three years. I may be exaggerating and making up these the numbers. I do believe that committed men are there but they don't advertise themselves. They are probably waiting and waiting for good women, wondering where they are, after being played, because they think nice guys finish last.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again, I thank everyone for their responses and pretty cool attempts to help me "move on". Firstly I'd like say that tose scenarios, they were very brief... a lot more into it. Getting into it would take too long and for the purpose of the article and for the porpose of making a point it was shortened/made brief. Next CindyCares - "but I find curious that you assume your experience is universal, or general, or even common. Maybe it's not." - i NEVER made that assumption. I NEVER said it's universal. But, I think it's more common than u think. I've heard PLENTY of stories from women and I mean plenty. I did my research before saying the things I said. I was NOT jsut shooting my mouth off... I hope your curiousity is quelled. Cerberus - such angst from you geez.. the pants are just ONE of the MANY gifts.. mostly they were games + Xbox and anything techy.. the pants were somethign he went ON AND ON about. So if you don't have the bloody deats, stop the judgement dude. It's not sexy. And again dear Cerberus - I may have "played" the martyr then, but the point of this article is precisely that. I'm saying NO MORE of that. The point of this article is not to encourage a acutal love GAME. Like i said i use the term GAME loosely. And yes, you say it would be great to speak up about how I really feel - that again is what I am saying. I will. HEnce the CHANGE in my strategy/game.My point is simple - there is a gameplan for EVERYTHING in life. Granted some things can be left to chance and it's exciting even when things happen by chance. But most things in life, we need to work for it. Like a job in the current market. How do you stand out throngs the throngs of graduates with brilliant resumes? Yopu STEP UP your game, perhaps do a video resume. You change your style so you GET NOTICED. Or lets say you are failing in school, obviously what your doing is not working, you change the game.. you revise more, drop playing too much games, hang out less with your gf/bf. Or perhaps something simple, you dress a certain way, but you never get complemented, the colours dont' seem to work. You then change the darned game plan and BOOM. You get noticed - throw in a hairstyle change and boom boom more "woah u look great!" from frumpy to stylish you bloom - all cuz u change the game plan!... SO again, to reiterate my point, when I say my "game" needs to change.. I need to play the game.. I mean I gotta play it right.. I gotta work on ME first. My bad for how I expressed myself at the end of the article. So, now to put everybody's confused disapproving, finger-waving nah nah nah mind to EASE, I'd like to say, that what I mean is - I will take care of MYSELF. Gotta LOVE MYSELF.. gotta think of myself too. STOP playing the martyr (which was never the intention, just a character flaw where I rather please than hurt someone).. take care of my needs too. It's not just give give.. it's give and RECEIVE ( i don't take take because take implies forcefully getting something).All that said. When it's the right person, it may not be needed.. but I won't know till i meet the RIGHT person. Till then.. i'll LEARN from my OWN experiences and share when I can..
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 June 2012):
I don't think you need to communicate with a man that you would like a birthday present. Too lazy to buy a present? He's just a plain jerk. When a man does something unacceptable, you dump them, you don't tolerate them, give them a taste of their medicine and then hope they see the hurt they cause you and change for you. You were not the right match. When you are with the right person no games are needed. There will be a free flow of energy. Always keeping equal score will avoid you unhappiness, and makes sure you don't lose, but you will not be fulfilled and inspired.
"I WAS NUR-I mean..MOTHERING [Scenario] I would bend over backwards to do everything and anything for him. Stay up late for him, wake up early for him, buy him all the things he loved, make his favourite things send him care packages for his birthday and his favourite tea when he runs low on it."
Hey, this is Your idea of love. It may not be necessarily his idea. Have you heard of the theory that a woman is either a mother or a lover to her guy? When you are acting like a mother you kill the attraction. Let the guy take care of you too. There is a difference between giving and pleasing too. When you give, it is because that's what you feel like doing. When you please, you are doing it to keep a man.
At the end, your guy (ex) doesn't seem to be into the idea of a relationship. I don't want to say it's because you are doing all the work and he doesn't have to. He just totally took you for granted, lost interest and didn't know how to break it off except ignoring you and being cold to you. It's true men can't read minds but men and women can close the gap by understanding how our brains' work. We are here to learn, and not to combat each other. Trying to outsmart each other creates distance. Sharing and cooperating create connection.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 Sorry, but one more vote for " no games " by one more "experienced " Aunt.
Your article , which is btw fun, well written, and entertaining, IMO is based on a fallacy- two in fact. One, that relationships are necessarily a game with two players where the more astute or manipulative or cold blooded wins, a sort of darwininian survival of the fittest, - second, that it is always mandatory to join the game.
Let me assure that, at least after a certain age , dynamics like those you describe sound exhausting and unappealing,and take all the fun out of the game.
So, you only get together with people that never read, or threw away, the game rules booklet, and you can dispose of tactics and strategy, and you go with the flow, seeing where it takes you. Maybe nowhere - but since it was not a game to begin with, there will be no winners and no losers, just two paths that at some point diverged.
I realized that what you wrote is based on your personal perceptions and experiences, and that - to same extent- those necessarily shape our thoughts and expectations, but I find curious that you assume your experience is universal, or general, or even common. Maybe it's not.
Like,personally I never worried sick that my partner worked too much or skipped meals, heck I would not worry if my SON skipped meals . I'd assume that they are grown ups and know how and when to feed themselves and if they don'eat they have their own good reasons.
So, perhaps , rather than working on getting control over the game and the other player , wouldn't it be simpler working on getting control on your instincts if they work in your disfavour ?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): Just be careful OP, it's very easy to swing in the opposite direction. You can turn into the same kind of person that you've been hurt by.
Giving all of yourself to a relationship is not a bad thing you know.
The key thing is build on your experiences not react against them. OP your problem wasn't giving too much it was tolerating too much bad behaviour. You can play the martyr all you want but a person who gets walked all over is a person who lets too much shit slide. The answer isn't to control the other person or play games, it isn't to close yourself off and let what douchebags have gotten away with in the past to make you cold and guarded. The answer is to add all their behaviours to your list of unacceptable things and to learn how to not let slide in the midst of powerful emotions.
OP you really love playing the martyr. You talk about playing it cool, being nice etc. But you weren't. You completely lacked the ability to communicate your needs. He wants to play a game, you want to spend quality time with him, what happens? You say nothing and stand around feeling hurt because he's not a mind reader. My girlfriend wouldn't sit there feeling hurt and not say anything, she'd straight up tell me she wanted 'us' time and I'd duly oblige. If there was anything at all the matter then she would say it and not become passive/aggressive like you did. She knows that I cant fix a problem if I don't even know there is one.
You said yourself you're needy, you ask him if he still loves you because he didn't text you 40 times that day? Come on OP how does that work? Again instead of communicating your needs you assume the very worst scenario possible for this relatively meaningless thing.
You bought him pants for his birthday? Really? A guy who so clearly loves video gamed and you bought him an item of clothing that may not fit, may not be the right colour, may be too tight and all the other things that go wrong? Next time buy the guy you're with something that means something to him, according to his tastes, something to with his hobbies or best of all OP a gadget. We guys fecking love gadgets.
OP on your birthday why did you say it was okay when it wasn't? What did you hope to achieve?
OP your problem wasn't being treated badly it was very poor communication. Can you not see how letting shit slide, letting it build up instead of opening up about it, is a huge problem? You're not amazing or kind hearted for letting him get away with stuff you effectively spoiler you relationship that way because you never gave him a chance to actually know what you want or need. You hold it all in.
I was serious when I said I used to eat girls trying to be players for breakfast. A bitter girl trying to get a kind of revenge on all guys by playing me were extremely obvious. Especially seeing as you're such a poor communicator.
OP if you learn anything from your experience learn to communicate better, learn to voice your concerns the instant you feel them so you can resolve them instead of letting them build up. You let the little things slide thinking you could but they all built up didn't they? They all up and eventually turn you into the bitter, angry martyr that thinks he was the one to blame fir what went wrong. Sorry OP it takes two to tango and you spent the entire relationship assuming that guys are mind readers and your guy was a prick for not having that skill. Well none of us do OP.
I'd love if my girlfriend would post and tell you that it's not a defeat, it's not a bad thing to talk but the easiest way to mess up a relationship is to not talk.
Change that OP, change that one thing and you will have the most important aspect of every relationship. Communication.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 I get that you have been hurt. We all have… AND being strong and standing up for yourself and NOT taking crap from others is awesome AND NOT GAME PLAYING at all. No one is saying to be a doormat in any way. WHAT we are saying is that being TRUE to yourself is the key…
OP, please remember that support is much like an underwire bra; not always comfortable but often needed.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 June 2012):
From reading the article no one could tell you had been broken or hurt. It just sounds like one of those popular relationship advice. Be cool, don't get emotional, be unpredictable, be the fantasy woman, etc. It sounds like you are in control and you are hurting. Part of being in a relationship is revealing vulnerablities. If you appear to be so strong and in control, who is going to protect and nurture you?
You had been hurt but don't treat every next man as your ex. You are preparing a script to handle any man who would be your ex. They would just think you are another player. No one is going to see you had been hurt, therefore you need more love and understanding, not more games.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello. :) Well first of all. Great for all you experienced ladies - really- congratulations on your self-actualisation/realisation and kudos for standing your ground (even though I was not looking to change anyone’s' opinion, other than share my own). Your experiences are your own and they are what shaped your beliefs and perceptions. But, really, to say I am OBVIOUSLY inexperienced is a CLEARLY judgemental and slanted take on this article. Take it with a pinch of salt. Try to understand the sentiments and where it's coming from. It's not meant to be "the relationship bible". It's an article that was formed/shaped/borne out of MY experiences or apparently lack thereof according to some. As aunt aggies, shouldn't you be more sympathetic? No one is even expecting empathy, but sympathy or if u really can't muster that, VALUABLE situational analysis to counter my believes would be appropriate and valuable for those who share my sentiments. Seek to change our minds and hearts with love not your spiteful, righteousness. "So Very Confused"..it's a tad hard to take you seriously with that name.. you mention your age and experiences, yet that pseudonym does nothing for your case. Janniepeg, to assume and say I've never been with anyone real - that's just vindictive and hurtful even. An already broken person reading that would be further beaten down - if you feel like saying something mean, take a breather and think wat the other person was feeling when writing anything on this site. A lot of things shape a person. We are ALL victims of circumstances. No one is superior to the other, so get off your high horses. Mosaic, thank you for your comment and initial sympathy. As to whether I will end up breaking a man.. I know for a fact that I won't. The GAME is a term I use loosely. But what I mean is that I need to change the way I am.. to give myself.. but not at the expense of losing myself. When you have been hurt, you will think a gaziliion times before hurting someone. I'm confident I won't break the man.. If there's potential in that man to be "the one".. then it's about how I have to change my ways to suit the betterment of the relationship. Again I say.. take this with a pinch of salt. Nothing radical.. nothing so personal like these women who have commented have taken this article.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 June 2012):
All three of us, Cerberus, So very confused, and me are really experienced. We've all been players and had been played before. We are all sick of games that's why we say no more of them. You though, I think you have never been with anyone real.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 June 2012):
OP do you really think that at 52 with multiple relationships behind me I've never dealt with a player?
BTDT more than you will ever know.... but to be honest I'd rather be myself and be true to myself then pretend to play games.
I'd rather find someone who appreciates ME FOR ME, not what he WANTS me to be.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFinally! Someone who gets it. Thank you shellycg! :) You're awesome btw. Until you've been there and done that, you can't really speak. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Mosaic +, writes (5 June 2012):
 its sad that you got treated like that. but what is even worse is how it changed you into a vindictive vixen. leaving good men who dont treat women like dirt to smell the venom on your tounge. im not a player and never was. just to nice. and i see women try and play me a mile away. and when you fall in love with someone who is playing you and you know it.but you cant help who you love. then you end up reversing the roles. the give and take makes sense but the way its being bartered like a stock makes its value nothing. you will end up with a man who loves you but he will be broken. because you broke him
...............................
A
female
reader, shellycg +, writes (5 June 2012):
HI
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT - that sounded just like i was with my ex partner (notice the ex)? I did everything you did it was like reading about myself and him - definately learnt my mistakes - i too read the books and men are from MARS definately without doubt - PLAY OR BE PLAYED I LOVE IT .... TRUE INSPIRATION ... I LOVE THIS SITE.... Thank you so much you have made my day .... xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): So the pendulum swings from doormat to user and player? Good luck with that OP.
You sound like a person who has been hurt bad who is now going to build a huge wall and not let anyone in. Demand things that we just can't deliver and/or use us guys.
Play or be played? I used to eat girls like that for breakfast. The ones that think they're in control, the ones who thought they were playing me. You cant play a player OP because to be played you have to care, and players don't care. The girls like you were the easiest. The easiest to shag and the easiest to dump afterwards because they aren't nice people they just played games thinking we should be punished for the past actions of their ex's. They're the easiest to walk away from.
Classically condition? Em yeah. Sure.
You're in trouble OP you sound VERY bitter and you're just going to hurt yourself even more if you don't stop seeing things in such black and white terms. It's not an all or nothing thing.
Sure learn the lessons of the past but learn the right ones and don't let what's happened you make you bitter, cold and unresponsive the way you seem to think you should.
Most of us have dated assholes, all of us have made mistakes it's being able to dust yourself off afterwards, pick yourself up and not let it change you negatively, that's the key OP. Not letting bad experiences change you for the worst. By all means learn to better protect your heart but you speak about us guys like we're all dogs that need to be trained. When perhaps the real issue here is you keep dating dogs because they're your type. OP don't stop being you and never make decisions on how you should treat others from the perspective of pain and bitterness you'll only make life harder for yourself and end up pushing away good guys.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2012):
So it’s NOT unconditional love. There is a condition. They have to give to you what you give to them and they have to do it before you are willing to give it up…
IF a man ignores you, then he’s not a boyfriend or a partner. There’s no need to play games. Either a partner is a partner the way you need them to be or they are not. IF you are yourself and they can’t or won’t be what you want then you leave… you don’t play games with them.
It doesn’t have to be a game if you pick folks that suit you. Maybe it’s a game because you keep picking the wrong men?
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (4 June 2012):
I'd rather be single than to play the game, always measuring which cup is fuller. There are men who have lots to give without asking much from return. I think ignoring a heartless man would protect you in the meanwhile, it is no guarantee that he will automatically respond with the distance. He might look at it as disinterest from you go for the next victim to play with. It seems like there are many players out there. They flirt with many and make themselves known. A good man is worth the wait though. It does not benefit you to get bitter towards the entire gender. Playing around players is like settling and refusing to believe that there are good hearted men who will give you what you need and make you feel relaxed and loved.
...............................
|
