A
female
age
,
starismine1
writes:Dating Rules: Are they a Girl’s Worst Enemy?As women, we are bombarded by books, friends and the TV media telling us what dating “rules” to follow to determine whether a guy is treating us well. These rules tell us whether he’s Mr. Right material. Rules like: • A guy must spend a lot of money on us on the first date• A guy must call us 1-2 days after he meets us to ask us out again• A guy shouldn’t try to have sex with us (although he can lust after us) on the first or 2nd dateAnd my favorite rule for all “biological clock” watching women:• A guy should want to commit exclusively within 3 months of dating usWe are told by relationship “experts” that we must go by these dating rules. They are dating bible mantras. We can’t decide for ourselves if the guy is treating us right, so we must look at a list of predetermined rules to decide if he is trustworthy, honest, respectful, marriage material, and commitment material. After all, how else will we know if he is capable of being our “true love” The surest way to ruin a relationship is to let specific rules define itWhen we don’t hear from him right away, we’re sure he’s “playing the field”. When he doesn’t take us to an expensive restaurant, we think he’s a “loser”. We believe, “If he spent lots of money on us, then that means he really wants to date us”. Spending money on us to show he cares is one of the dating rules etched in stone. We never look at the reason “why” a guy might act a certain way on a date. We never really try to get to know him. We equate spending money with love. This kind of thinking sets us up for countless disappointments in our dating relationships because:The motive behind what a guy does is just as important as what he doesWhen we never hear from him again after 2 dates, we talk to our friends and family about it by saying “he did this to me, and then I did that”. We paint ourselves as the victim of “his inappropriate behavior”. We describe an ex boyfriend’s behavior like the behavior of Satan, and then get a female friend’s point of view about his behavior, expecting her to give us justification for not feeling like “the guilty one”. But there’s this feeling in our gut that something just isn’t right:We know in our heart that things ended because we expected too much too soon or we reacted the wrong way at the wrong time. We know in our heart that we tried to manipulate the relationship, and we are partially to blame for its failure. We fall into the trap of never really seeing how our attitude about a guy’s behavior affects whether he wants to date us. We take our own accountability for the success of a relationship out of the equation. We also set ourselves up for being manipulated by guys because we allow them to do things that are being done for all the wrong reasons. That’s because we only look at whether he follows those ridiculous rules. When we stop focusing on that list of criteria of what a guy should or should not do, and start focusing on getting to know him as a person, the dynamic of our dating relationship changes. We start to make a more authentic connection to the guys we date. We start to see him as a person; a human being with flaws that we can accept, and that’s how a successful dating relationship happens.Here is a dating scenario that shows how following rules on dating never works:You’ve been dating your boyfriend for one month and have seen each other about 2X a week during this time. He wants to have intimate sexual relations with you but you are reluctant because you feel it’s inappropriate to have sexual relations until he says “I love you”. Another one of those dating rule mantras.Do you ask yourself why he wants to have sex with you? Probably not. You focus on the rule that says you should not have sex with him at this time. You are not honoring your relationship or how he feels about you. You believe in a rule about when to have sex, which encourages you to be manipulated by a guy’s words. You will have fooled yourself into thinking that the “behavior” of sex is okay when you are being told by a guy that he loves you. But the real truth for you is that you want to feel you are loved by him in order to feel comfortable with having sexual intimacy with him. And feeling love and hearing the words “I love you” are two different things. Perhaps you already feel loved by him and the experience of sexual intimacy is something you are depriving yourself just because he hasn’t done something that follows your “when to have sex rule”. When you both discuss his desire to have sex and why he desires it at this point in your relationship, you will focus, not only on the act of sex, but on your need to feel love before having sex. And that changes the dynamic of your relationship into one that is authentic and honest for both of you. If you ask yourself “should” questions about your relationship ?”should he do this and should I then do that”, you are undermining its potential for success. “Should” questions always destroy the integrity of a relationship? asking yourself questions like “should I do this after he calls”, “shouldn’t he spend more money on me”, “shouldn’t he ask me more about myself”, are all questions based on fear of rejection. They give you the mindset to manipulate the relationship, based on believing that acting a certain way, regardless of whether doing it is not authentically right for you, will get you the man you want.It’s only when you value feeling valued, loved, liked, respected, admired, and cared for by a guy; going past the superficial need to evaluate everything he does by shallow rules that never work in the real world, that you can have an authentic relationship with him.So look at those rules with “a grain of salt” because they will often lead you down a road of manipulation and disappointment. Ask yourself why a guy may be doing what he does, and how he is really making you feel inside. You may be surprised to realize that he’s treating you a lot better than you think.Please see my website at www.isthistruelove.com
View related questions:
money Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article |
