A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My 27 year old bf of 2 years kissed another girl over a year ago, and up until a couple of months ago had made a fake profile with another man's pic rather than his own and was talking to other girls online pretending to be someone else. He said this was due to the severe depression he had, which has caused mild impotence and he wanted to feel like he was "still a man". As you can guess I was stupid/ in love enough to believe him and take him back.However, he's going on a clubbing night out with his friends from work in a couple of weeks, and I'm really worried something will happen and I won't know. I asked him if he'll be coming home and he said no as he'll be drinking but "doesn't know yet" where he'll be staying. I want to ask him not to go, but is that fair in the circumstances. And also, I know I can't stop him doing something he wants to. He says he learned from his mistakes but of course he'd say that. He says he'd never hurt me again, but then the other night he said he's not happy because of the depression and his feelings change day to day. I admit he is genuinely depressed, but I'm worried this will make him more susceptible to cheating or something.I'm not ready to leave him yet, but I know I can't deal with this long term. The pain and worry is eating me up. He maintains that he loves me, but I don't feel confident or secure in him.What do I do for the time being? (I wrote this yesterday for another website, so just a little update, I tried talking to him again tonight and he just said he was too tired and depressed to talk to me and went to sleep)Thanks so much, Kate
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): He's too depressed to talk to you a bout an issue with your relationship, yet he's not too depressed to go out clubbing with his friends? This sounds absolutely made up. He's blaming his indiscretions – and basically cheating on you – on his "depression." If he's so depressed, he needs to get medical help for it, rather than continuing on the way he is.
I would say you have every reason to be worried about what he's going to do on this clubbing excursion with his friends, especially because he can't tell you when he's going to be home, or if he is at all. Talk to him about it, and don't let him use being depressed as an excuse.
You don't want to leave him, but you also don't want to deal with this in the long term. Honestly, rarely can you have it both ways here. You have to decide if you think his behavior is excusable in the long term, because honestly, this doesn't sound like it's going to improve as-is.
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