A
female
age
30-35,
*onderful-Obsessor
writes:I am 17 next month, and will be single for a year, I was in a relationship for 2 years in which i was badly treated that included violence from my ex partner. I still think about this alot and feel that my self confidence has gone down alot because of what has happened to me. I feel as if i'm not attractive no more as i havn't even been near a chance of getting another boyfriend and I also find that I have become even more picky because of it as well as having to get caught up in the latest fashions (which is costing a bomb). I am a full time student and I know I am doing well for myself as well as working part time at a marks and spencers retail store, though I feel that something in my life is missing, and i believe that it is feeling wanted, although i need advice on how I can improve my self confidence, as I do believe that is the reason why I am the way I am now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): You've been very positive. You're going to college and working as well, and have identified the problem as low confidence and self esteem. Read some of the self-help books on self-esteem, which should hopefully help. There is no doubt plenty of stuff on the Internet about it. Also seek the help of your family or friends by talking to them about it, or have some counselling.Don't let this bad experience spoil your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): The previous replies are right - you are using fashion to try and boost your self esteem. That may seem like a good idea, but it may also prove to be doing the opposite, as the constant changes in fashion, trying to keep up with them and the constant worry about how you look is also not great for you, financially or emotionally!
I would seriously look into some counselling - look up a local Women and Girls Support Centre, speak to your doctor about getting on a counselling list (although I know myself that this could take a long time with the good old National Health Service)or look into the counselling support that your college or school can offer.
Finally, I just want to congratulate you on making it this far. You have escaped a bad relationship, you are getting an education and you are holding down a job. You are already an amazing young lady, and I hope that you are able to find the support out there to help you feel this within yourself, and that you are able to blossom further.
Big hugs to you!
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A
female
reader, batfink +, writes (12 June 2008):
Hey darlin,i really feel for you as i was in exactly your position at your age. I dated a guy from 16-17 who used to beat me up and drag me down all the time. I will assume, like most abusers, that your boyfriend really went to town on your self confidence, making you feel that everyhting that happened was your fault and that you were not worthy of him or anyone else. Unfortunately that is the way these men work and it's everything to do with them, their lack of self esteem, life experiences and deep rooted problems and nothing to do with you. your obsession with fashion is all about you trying to regain that feeling of self worth and value that he seemingly has successfully robbed you of. You don't need it! You're a student and have a good job which makes you a successful young lady in your own right. Many people your age haven't achieved half as much as you have and many have not had to face the challenges you have and yet still come out fighting. You should be really proud of yourself.When a relationship has gone this badly you're bound to come out feeling needy, needy of love, appreciation and affirmation.Remember that none of this is your fault, that you are a wothwhile person, you've just been unfortunate enough to be involved in a bad relationship with someone who has feelings of self worth far lower than your own and that's why he needed to drag you down ... to make himself feel better.Be strong. Get back in touch with those friends I'm sure he allowed you limited or no contct with. Explain to them what has happened and you will be amazed how supportive and understanding they will be. Allow yourself time to heal and don't feel you have to throw yourself into another relationship. Be you, be strong and stay in touch. Sending you love.BF x
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A
female
reader, :):):) +, writes (11 June 2008):
You're ex partner was abusive and wanted to knock your confidence. It may take some time to readjust and gain self confidence again.
Being single for a year is a great idea, jumping straight into another relationship usually causes problems.
The best thing you can do right now is surround yourself with friends and family. This will help you fill the gap you feel is there. Knowing there are people who love you will make the world of difference.
Thinking of you
xxx
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