A
female
age
51-59,
*ouella
writes:Im 42 in a comitted relationship and just discovered im pregnant, shocking to say the least after having spent 15 out of 20 years trying for a second child i had long since given up hope and resigned myself to being infertile. Problem i have is my boyfriend and intended husband is now out of the country awaiting a visa to join me forever and is requesting in rather harsh terms that i have a termination while continuing to tell me stories of his other children.I supported this man financially since the day i met him as he was unable to work legally in this country and now i have said i can longer help him he is making me feel guilty for even wanting a new sofa and thinks i should continue helping him, while still requesting i terminate this baby. i have just told him that if it is to be terminated i can't see how our relationship will continue to flourish without bitter resentment or indeed if i will want to continue with him and his stories of his other children, so as i write this he has asked that i have no further contact with him until HE is ready and that he can't believe i would do this to him and he has never needed my help more than right now... the stroy goes on and on and i have only sketched the basics, he asked that i make no comment of our connection on facebook lots of things to make me paranoid and - i think - understandably bitter. i'd like to hear your opinions on him cos he thinks im being the selfish one, he has since day one claimed to be christian and yet his insistance on this child being unwanted and unwelcome is overwhelming.I have plenty of reservations about being an older mum and whether or not i can cope, but he is not helping me make an informed decision, i need some unbiased advice from y'all pleaseeeeeeeeeeee !!!
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female
reader, Louella +, writes (9 June 2010):
Louella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMarie clair - great advice, in the Uk unless you have been married, fathers have very little right to the children they dont even get to be named on the birth certificate unless they are present at the registration, and the courts almost alwasy find in moms favour, i know america is a lot different. I would never require permission from him for any decisions thankfully, and im sorry to sound harsh to the dads fighting for rights, some of course will always be more worthy than others, :-)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 To get a final word in: Congratulations on your pregnancy!! Weee!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): If you want to keep the child get support from him if you can and ask him to relinquish all custody rights...you'll need a paternity test first.
So sorry to hear you are going through this, but I agree there are and were huge red flags here...any adult man who tries to make you feel sorry for him and responsible for him is manipulating you....You might want to take a look at my article on here Relationship Red Flags, so you won't repeat this again.
So glad to hear you are terminating the relationship for sure. As to the baby, it is your right, your body to do as you wish, you've told him, it's done.
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A
female
reader, Louella +, writes (8 June 2010):
Louella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou've all been so lovely tonight, can't thank you enough, wishing y'all lived in the same town lol im not convinced family friends and neighbours will be so understanding, ill keep you posted what happens in the coming months, its the least i can do - i guess post a baby pic along the way maybe too :-)) thanks again xx
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A
female
reader, Louella +, writes (8 June 2010):
Louella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks carrot and everyone else that has taken the time, i haven't told family yet so its important to hear some opinions and all positive in my favour :-) happy smiles :-) the relationship is done thats become clear to me tonight, i can't take his selfish attitude and allow a child to learn from him, wish me luck on my journey ahead its gonna be a long one ....
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 Don't feel silly; you got the child you've desired out of this relationship, so that alone is worth the drama.
I suppose you have to ask yourself what's more important, being a parent again or being with this man? I think you already know the answer.
Don't worry about pleasing him. You've done enough of that already.
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A
female
reader, Louella +, writes (8 June 2010):
Louella is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ chigirl - he is american and we met online, i flew out to him and brought him home - he was i must confess moving around somewhat when i met him and without work and unable to support his children - he sold me a good story about how his life had messed up and how i had saved him, he wanted to be a singer and songwriter which i must say he does very well and i was all too willing to invest time and money trying to help him get a break, without success, i had a healthy bank account when we met and now what little is left is enough for a start for this baby, its the little left that he thinks i should now use to help him further, this really isnt reading well is it, have i been so stupid that i couldn't see what was infront of me, he never had grounds to complain till now cos i was all out to make him happy - feeling very silly now as i write this :0((
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 June 2010):
Where is your boyfriend from and for how long have you been together? If what you say is correct he is only using you for money. He was able to get by somehow before he met you, so he is not incapable of fending for himself. He has also been able to support his other children. And he is, or at least I hope he is, a grown man. Stop supporting him. If that means the relationship will end you know he was only in for it for as long as it benefitted him.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (8 June 2010):
 On the question of termination, I staunchly defend your right to personal choice. On the matter of of the B/f: you're being manipulated. You're being used. And I'd bet the farm both counts will be continued without hesitation, regardless of what country this louse resides in. Unload this dead weight before he drags you down farther.
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 Have the baby, its yours and you want it. Terminating would be a mistake. Tell the guy he either gets on board with the pregnancy or you plan to terminate your relationship with him. Since you have money and he doesn't, he doesn't have to worry about supporting the child, I'm guessing. So him denying you this is selfish and neglectful of your needs/desires.
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A
female
reader, Louella +, writes (8 June 2010):
Louella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks vintage thats the worrying part, this really is my last chance, another thing he said was that he wanted a child when he was ready and not this mistake, at 42 i dont have those options and termination is not birth control or deciding when we may or may not want babies, and q1605 i am starting to think that too although i would have staked my life he was honest and the christian i believed him to be. thanks for taking time out to answer :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): If you terminate a baby you have wanted for 15 years you will regret it. Yes you are 42 but lots of women have babies in there 40's. This is not your first baby, so it's not like you are going into this not know anything about being a mum.
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