A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of 2 years wants us to live together, with me moving into his house and then his idea is we split all the bills 50 - 50, including me paying 1/2 his rent. He feels it is not convenient for him to move in with me because my place is smaller and further away from his children's (with ex) school.My concern is that I have bought my place and have a mortgage and I can't afford rent with him and my own mortgage so I must either sell or get a tenant in, with all the hassle that will bring.Also I am not happy with the division of expenses as he has a to pay rent on a larger property because of having the 2 kids staying there during the week (they go to their mum on weekends). Larger property also means higher utilities. I will be further away from work so my travelling costs go up too.I am worried this move may get me into financial difficulty. He does not want to move into a new place together as he says kids are settled and he doesn't want to disrupt their lives.Must I be the one that makes all the changes? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 You're smart enough to know that this decision WILL cause financial difficulty for you. What exactly are you getting out of the deal? Seeing his face every day? You don't have a ring, you're paying 50% of his bills, you have to deal with a longer commute to work therefore increasing fuel cost, having to deal his his kids 5 days a week, you will no longer be a property owner therefore loosing money paying rent - and what is he getting? He's getting financial and domestic help! I never understood the 50-50 splitting on the bills either. Who has the time and the energy to look at all the bills and divide them equally? Then again, maybe since you're not married, he doesn't feel the need that he should pay more and that everything needs to be slit evenly.You will be making more sacrifices with THIS man. He has children and he has an obligation to them first and foremost. You cannot expect someone with kids to move into a smaller place and to switch their schools willy nilly all for a girlfriend. He has more baggage than you; partners will less baggage always have to deal and sacrifice more it seems. If the financial bit is the ONLY thing that is giving you these doubts, come up with your own financial plan. Calculate what you think is fair given the situation. If however you simply do not feel right about this move, if you cannot bring yourself to make these big sacrifices and the costs outweigh the positive, then don't do it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): You don't HAVE to be the one to do anything, but recognize that speaking up may cause some friction in your relationship. With regards to you moving to his place because of the kids - to me, this does make the most practical sense. It's disrupting three people's lives (theirs) vs. disrupting one (yours). You have to understand that his children are part of the package and until grown, will always come first, especially since you and he are not married.With regards to your financial concerns, I do think you have a point and you should speak up. Have you actually sat down with him and said "I would like to do this but I'm not sure I can afford to?" His reaction should provide quite a bit of valuable insight into the future of your relationship. He is asking you to make changes but if he's not willing to do some compromising himself, he may not be worth moving for. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2012):
 Deep sigh. Do NOT think that having someone move into your home and disrupt the way you are used to doing things is not a change. Moving in whether you are the one moving or the one making closet space is difficult.
I know… we just moved. My fiancé gave up his apartment and his job and his entire life as he knew it and moved two hours to be with me in a home I have owned for nearly 22 years. He is asking me to fix up the place and sell it and I have agreed because he does not want to live in a home that I have had prior husbands in.
WE agreed to split everything 50/50 but if you don ‘t want to do that then you have to talk to him about figuring out what is your fair share of the bills. If he has two kids that live there then you think you should pay ¼ of the bills right? But I am betting he does not see it that way. And to be honest neither do I. I am a huge believer in what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. Even with kids. WE pay child support to my ex for a 27 yr old child. We will pay this support till the day I die. The child is a disabled adult child. My partner knew this and accepted it as part of being with me. I am a package deal even with my adult children.
Is he taking into account the extra commuting expenses when figuring out the budget? Have you both sat down and done a budget to account for all the expenses… What about figuring in the selling of your home.. who gets the proceeds from that? In my relationship that money will be OURS just like his inheritance is ours.
Your situation is made more complicated by the fact that there are minor children and uprooting kids especially divorced kids is a risky business.
I get that you feel like you are making all the changes but to be honest it will be a big change for him to let go of some of the adult things in the home. We had a fight Sunday because he wants to help me run the home and I’m so used to being the one in charge and having to give up some of that power is hard. Budgeting for two, shopping for two, my bedtime and wake up routines have been changed and compromised…
Yes you feel like you are the ONLY one making changes but both of you and his kids will be impacted by this move and even though they are not moving they will be making changes too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 February 2012):
 I can see it from both sides to be honest. The kids are familiar with his house, close to school and so forth. Less hassle. (for him)
I can also see it from your side.
Yet, if you both aren't willing to find a compromise how are you going to be successful in the relationship?
If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.
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A
female
reader, Paul_2012 +, writes (28 February 2012):
 to be fair to the dude, how old are his kids?
he is thinking about them and yes, they are his priority over you, thats life.
how old are they tho? If he is the "one" for you, then wait, wait til they get a lil older then move in with him or hell with it move somewhere new. but if he were to move away etc i think he would be causing WW3 with his ex tbh,
so cut him some slack - say to himto wait, that means he can spend quality time with his kids at the weekends too.
Paul
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (28 February 2012):
 HI
I think his being unrealistic. It sounds nice when you think about it, but the reality is with your mortgage and work responsabilites, and his more demanding house bills and children ie extra living expense, unless your super woman, or willing to sell up or rent out, you will run your self into debts, and an early grave. A more subtible compromise is need here. I can understand him not wanting to disprupt the childrens settled life, and there schooling, however he also needs to understand that you cant be expected to just up and leave your house , pay your mortgage AND go half with everything when and if you moved in with him. Me personally would continue the way things are for a while longer, seperate living, just seeing eachother as often as possible. And when in a more financial situation talk about it again then. I dont think you should be the one making all the changes, thats far too much to expect off anyone in your situation. If he loves you he should understand this and hopefully not pressure you.
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, Dragonheart +, writes (28 February 2012):
 My first thought when reading your post was: Don't do it!
Your boyfriend sounds selfish, he wants you close, pay half his (!) costs and isn't ready to compromise because he doesn't want to disrupt the kids lives. All the inconvenience would be for you, almost all the advantages would be for him.
He doesn't seem to worry about disrupting your life completely - that doesn't sound fair to me at all. Forgive me for my negativism, but let's say in 2-3 years you two decide to break up......... then where will you go? What will you have left for you if you sold your place? It is a sad truth that you could end up losing everything and I think you owe it to yourself to make sure you're safe.
I think it would be different if you would plan to stay together on a long-term basis and get married before too long. That would provide you at least some security.
It's of course difficult to think with the head when your heart probably longs to live with him; therefore I hope you will find the right way for you.
Listen to your gut feeling and don't let him talk you into anything. If you decide that moving in with him is what you really want with all your heart, then you can think of how to organise it; but only do what YOU are really happy to do.
Best of luck and lots of happiness to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): It's really up to you to decide what changes you're willing to make. My advice would be not to put yourself in a situation where you give up your home or put yourself in financial stress and other stresses such as traveling farther to get to work. These things will make you resent him and the relationship in the long run.
You have to decide if your love for him, assuming you love him, and the relationship is worth all of this. If you give up your home to pay rent to live with him and you two split up you will end up with no home and a lot of money put to rent with nothing gained from it and the need to find a new home. If he is paying for a larger place for his children also who live there part time then you should pay less rent and utilities imo.
My advice is don't put yourself into this situation. Discuss all of this with him and see what he says. If he loves you he won't want to put you in a situation like this.
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