A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay bear with me, this might be a bit long. So I recently posted a question about how my boyfriend (now ex I suppose) had an internet dating site and checked it now and then. Which I was a bit dodgy about. I then went and did the wrong thing and created a fake profile pretending to be some hot chick hitting on him and implying sex. He eagerly replied and wanted to meet up with this fake girl over drinks and "maybe something more" I was so hurt by this and disgusted that he would do that so made him come over to my house to break up with him then and there. I told him the truth about what I did as I didnt want to lie about it, I know it was low but all I needed him to say back was "Sure we can meet up but just as friends as I'm sorry I have a girlfriend" but nothing like that occurred.He begged me not to break up with him, he got on his knees and cried and begged me not to. He said that he was sorry and that he wanted to meet up with her to make friends and he said he felt if he met up with someone who liked him and flirted with him then it would help him get the spark back in our relationship- I mean what is that supposed to mean?! He said that he felt as though our spark had gone and it was his fault. That he was smoking too much pot and that he fell of the wagon with trying to give up. We had recently had a huge lack of sex which he blame on the pot. But pot or not, if a guy truly loves you then he shouldnt be able to keep his hands of you right? I told him that I would think about it and I need time. But I've thought about it the whole night and I know I need to finalize it and break up with him for good but its just so hard when I'm so in love with him to. I can just seem him crying begging saying that he loves me that hes stupid and sorry. Can I be the exception? But I know if I take him back I'll always think what if. What if my fake girl was real and he went to meet up with her. I just need some advice on how to be strong and get through this time. Its killing me that he did that but its just so hard as I still love him so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): You did the right thing. Look how the relationship was going! No sex with you, which he blamed on his drug taking, yet hes wanting to meet other women for `maybe more`! Hes a joker. Just be glad you found out now so havent wasted anymore time on him than you need to. If he loved you he would be trying to kick the drugs not looking for another woman behind your back. Thats how he repays you for caring for him? Nice!
Dont feel bad about the tears. He was just upset and shocked at being caught and dumped. Dont be tempted to go back. Lets face it, if he had a dating site he was checking for other women, he isnt that loved up with you anyway, so get busy and move on. He will probably get on the phone to you whining but have none of it, you deserve better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice. On an update note- I broke up with him today to make it final. It was so hard. I wrote him a letter and read it with everything I wanted to say in it. He said sorry and begged me again to come back. He showed me a box which he'd kept all these mementos of our relationship in. Our first bottle of wine, old movie tickets, scratchies, notes I'd left him. it hurt to see that and break up with him still. I left him crying in his doorway.
I hope this is for the best.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 December 2009):
Do you know how easy it is for a man to lie? You are going to find out if you give him a second chance. If the fake post had been real, he would have cheated in two seconds. He said if he met with someone it would have put the spark back into your relationship? Rubbish. And on top of all that, he's on pot and it's affecting your sex life and relationship! You're no exception. You're one of a million women who have been hurt, and you're one of another million who think the man will change. He can't and won't. For your own happiness, make sure you get rid of him. Cut all contact, don't take calls, don't take anything. He isn't worth it and you should know that. Focus on yourself
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): I don't know how long you two have been dating or what lead to you creating a fake account, unless it was because he was still on dating sites listed as single.
What you did sounds like something a 21 or younger person would do, it is this checking up on and testing of a relationship to see if you can control a boyfriend or Make him be faithful to you that is typical of this age group.
The bottom line is that this guy is young, he isn't through playing the field or he wouldn't be up on a dating site answering other girls, his excuse of putting back the spark in your relationship is just that an excuse. He wants to see what else is out there period.
He is not looking to get married any time soon and you being a girlfriend is basically a trap for you, because why should you not keep your heart open to other men when this one has not stepped up and claimed you as the one he wants to marry...and even then unless he bought a ring and a wedding date is set, he is simply not committed to you and will continue to secretly keep his options open.
So what do you do? Stop playing games, stop tricking him and spying on him and state what it is that you want. You want to be married some day, you want happily ever after and you aren't interested in being any one's exclusive girlfriend. You can offer sexual fidelity with the understanding that he is still trying to make up his mind about you and whether or not he wants to marry you, but you don't handle other women well and if he continues to date or contact others you will take that as his answer, he doesn't want you, he isn't interested in making this a happily ever after real kind of love. You can tell him he has a right to take as long as he wants to decide, but while he does that he can't have you all to himself and you will not always be available at the drop of a hat, you have your own life to live. And that you may go out on casual dates (no sex) with any man who asks you and that you want to meet because you do not have a commitment from him, not to make him jealous.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't like this, the alternative is you break up with him. Remember, you are the prize, you are the female in this duo and you do not have to commit yourself solely to a man who clearly is not committed to you....being a girlfriend is a trap. Guys like girlfriends because it is mostly about dependence, not love....that and steady sex.
Smoking pot would probably be a deal breaker for me, unless he could quit and not pick it up again. It is an illegal activity and lowers his motivation and yes even his sex drive.
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