A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had been having a good relationship since our last break up, which was almost 7 months ago. Anyways, I thought everything was going great, he was being very attentive, sweet, and just perfect; but 1 week ago he started to get distant. He won't contact me anymore, he won't call me anymmore from work when he is on one of his breaks, he won't let me know when he gets home from work, he won't talk to me, period. Two days ago, he told me he was sorry he hadn't been talking to me lately, but that he is going through some "identity crisis"... and that he needs some alone time, that everybody does and that I shouldn't take it personally.I am scared he will fall out of love with me, I am scare he will dump me. What does it all mean? does he hate me? Why would he want alone time? I thought I was giving him enough space already, maybe he doesn't love me? what do you think?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (30 August 2009):
 I can empathize with your situation.
In a loving relationship people communicate. When one of the two significants starts to withdraw and become distant, this can be a serious problem for both of them.
Here he is saying he is having an "identity crisis" which translates to me, he is trying to reconcile some thing inside of his psyche that is in conflict with your relationship with him.
In other words, he is not telling you what's eating at him. Without that, there is no way you can ever be there to support him, since you don't know what it is.
The trouble is that deep down he knows this.
It has been my thinking all along that when your mate withdraws and withholds love from you, it is a punishment. And sadly, it seems you do not deserve to be punished for something he won't reveal to you.
People who are like this are unable to form long-lasting bonds. They are withdrawn and appear to seek being lonely rather than simply share what it is that they want out of your relationship. They don't do this on purpose. They do it as a matter of psychological defense mechanisms.
By suddenly withdrawing, they are trying to protect themselves from something that they fear. Perhaps there is something that he's too afraid to tell you because he is either ashamed to do so, or he feels you will think ill of him.
There is a sort of trap here. The natural tendency is to want to get closer to him, to gently and lovingly try and tell him he can trust you and that no matter what, you love him and accept him for who he is.
But he may take that as a threat and withdraw even more.
He may be using this excuse of an "identity crisis" to pull away without blaming you.
Sadly, this pattern repeats itself and ultimately you get depressed and angry thinking that its you; that you aren't loving him enough, or gentle or patient enough with him. In reality, it has nothing to do with you and it resides in his mind.
On the other hand, deep-down I think he loves you, but he is so afraid to let whatever it is that's bothering him out, that he would rather lose you than trust you.
This is not good.
I would say that I would give him some slack, be good to him. Be understanding with him. Give him some time and patience.
If after awhile he doesn't open up to you, then you have to ask him if he's happy and if not, why? If he won't tell you then, you will have to ask him to leave. If he loves you enough, the threat of having to leave will force him to open up to you. But I think in the end, he would rather leave and never tell you what it is that's bothering him.
I wish you luck and empathize with you greatly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): An identity crisis is what I went through in high school. Trying to find who I was. Am I the person I seem to be around this friend, this teacher, this clique, my bf, my parents? Which one is the real me and why can't I remain consistent? When I met my husband, it was over. I knew exactly who i was and the person I wanted to be for the rest of my life.
If I had to guess (which I don't but will anyway) I'd say your man is using the word "identity crisis" to cover the phrase "second thoughts." If he is close to what the page says your age is, i'd say he's likely to know the man he is today. He's just not sure of the woman he wants to have today. In this case, I think you should give him the space he asked for and let him clear his head and decide if he is rebounding or if really wants to be where he is.
But lets assume it really is an identity crisis. This would mean that he probably asks himself the following questions:
Why am I working this job? Is this really where I want to be working? Do I like it here or do I just cope? My friends.. Do they really care about me? Are these the friends I wants to have around me? How about my girlfriend? Is this the right woman for me? Am I trying to be someone i don't feel i am at heart just to fit into what seems like a perfect relationship?
It would mean that he's not sure of his place in life and he's beginning to feel like he's not on the right track, or he's not headed where he wants to be headed: he's stuck and can't proceed.
Your position in that crisis would be to give him space and be there for him. Ask him about work about friends and family and get up to date on his feelings on all these topics. Ask him if he thinks he's happy with his life and if he's not, sit and talk with him about what's going wrong and where he can improve.
People going through a "crisis" need support and space at the same time; people they can be themselves around and from whome they feel no pressure to impress. Get to the bottom of it. Ask him to define "identity crisis" and to tell you what it means to him. Find ways to help but not suffocate. Hope that he gets through it but prepare for a breakup. Goodluck,
~Sy.
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