A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a year and half and our relationship is serious.A few months into dating we talked about marriage and back then he wasn't the biggest fan of it. A few months ago however when the topic of moving in came up I told him that I wasn't sure about doing it as I didn't think we agreed on the marriage issue, and I didn't want to move in with a false hope of getting married one day. He surprised me by saying that he'd been doing a lot of thinking and that he decided that marriage is something that he wants for us in the future, according to him the next 4 years. He said it's the right thing to do.I am at a point in my life where I am not ready for marriage right now but I definitely do want it in my early 30s and I told him this.The topic of moving in has come up again and I am still sitting on the fence. For some reason I am still scared that he doesn't really want marriage but is telling me so because if he said he doesn't want it, I'll either leave him or stay with him but not take the next step and move in with him. So, what I am planning to do next time he asks about moving in is to tell him that I'm scared that deep down he doesn't really want to get married and that I don't want to turn my life upside down and move in with him if we want different things in the future. I am just trying to protect myself here and I hope this is not coming across as me giving him an ultimatum. I am not doing that, I just want to know if we're on the same page.So, even if I ask and he says ofcourse we want the same things, how can I be sure? I suppose you can never be sure about everything, but what does it take to make me take the plunge and trust what he tells me now?Thanks :) Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): Your concerns are valid. There is no benefit to you in making the investment and commitment a wife would make without first having the legal status and protection a wife would have.Instead of telling him what you want from him, tell him what you want out of life. You want to marry in your early thirties and will only move in with someone you're (at least) engaged to. Engaged means a ring on your finger, a date set and invitations sent out. Then leave it at that. Talking is negotiating and unless you want to corner him with an ultimatum or be negotiated into caving in yourself, keep that conversation brief.If neither of you is ready to marry then this really isn't a serious relationship. And there is no point in making a serious commitment to it. You both ought to be free to date others until such time as you're ready to make it official.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): He's old enough and been with you long enough to be able to say whether he wants to marry you or not and not dangle carrots like moving in together. Don't do it. He also says marriage is the right thing to do and not that he doesn't want to live without you the rest of his life. Trust your instincts.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 yes, i think your instincts are spot on. If he is serious about you, then why does he need another four years to think about it?
Why can't he tell the world now that you are his permanent choice for marriage?
My rules are:
1. A man truly in love knows (and sincerely) within the first three months of meeting you that you are the one. Even if he does not tell you yet.
2. Within a year of first dating you such a man will propose marriage. An available man who is in love just can't get enough of you.
3. Within two years of first meeting you he will want to actually be married to you, if he thinks you are the one. He wants to be your husband
4. Once he's getting full benefits, (without marriage) well, I mean why mess things up? He gets a great domestic maid. He gets all the benefits. And why talk children, i mean can't children wait?
Pretty soon you are over 40, no children, not married. And then he meets this great new gal at his work .... Yes, it ends
If, by accident, he gets you pregnant in the next four years will he arc up because he thinks that was not part of your agreement?
More and more women older than 33-35
are finding it harder to fall pregnant after
delaying considering babies for too long.
If he is serious about marriage then why is an engagement ring too hard to choose, right now?
And if he's proud of you, loves you, then why should you and he marry? Next he'll be telling you marriage is just a piece of paper. Do you really need a marriage commitment after 18 months together ?
Yes you do.
...............................
|
