A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, My husband left me when our daughter was just 18 months. He was having an emotional affair from what I gather with a girl he worked with. My problem is now that I'm finding it hard to trust my new boyfriend. We have been together almost 12 months. During that time he was really flirty with other women and he ended it with me when I expressed my concerns about that. Three weeks later was his birthday and he contacted me and said he wants me back. Everything was going great up until a couple of weeks ago when he told me an ex girlfriend of his contacted him on his birthday and wanted to "hook-up". He told me that he turned her down because he wants to be with me and they have not spoken since. It seems he is still in contact (eg. Facebook and texting)with allot of his past hook-ups, he says they are just friends and I should trust him, but I feel disrespected that he is holding on to them. I don't have any other exes apart from my ex husband and I am only still in contact with him because of our daughter. Am I just being insecure or is this intuition that there is something not right here? He has not done anything about stopping contact, nor does he want to. He has now left me again because i'm too insecure. Is that just a cop out or should I just let it go?
View related questions:
affair, ex girlfriend, facebook, flirt, his ex, insecure, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): I found out my boyfriend of 2 years was talking to one of his exes in the same way your man seems to be saying. Birthdays, holidays, etc. He said they were just friends and not to worry. She sent him a Christmas gift one year and I got upset. I told him that it made me uncomfortable. So he agreed to delete her from his phone and email and promised not to talk to her with the exception of public messages on his facebook.
I think this is the right way to react, not the way you say your boyfriend has been acting. His actions seem a little suspicious if you ask me. Especially keeping in touch with "hook ups". Come on! Of course you would feel uncomfortable with him being in contact with these women, and he is acting like you are the one being unreasonable!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 May 2011):
He sounds like a carbon copy of your ex husband to be honest.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): I wouldn't trust a man whose only friends appear to be ex girlfriends. You need someone you can trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Thanks for your answers, he told me he keeps contact with the one that wanted to "hook up" on his birthday. He said he never speaks to her except every so often for birthdays or whatever. Apparently they have been "mates" for about 10 years and they "catch up" every now and then, but hasn't since he's been with me. There are many other girls on his facebook that he has dated in the past (he told me this), I don't know what contact they have but it still bothers me. He has come back again but does not want to continue in our relationship unless I trust him. Why would he bother if he knows im on to him unless he is actually genuine. He has talked about marriage and that he's happy with me and is not interested in the other girls. My fear this "happiness" would get a bit old after marriage. I do love him and trust that he hasn't wronged me yet, but fear he will if things start getting tough.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): I think you should let it go. Let HIM go. The only connection he had with these women was sexual. That was their common ground. That was how they related to one another. Without that, what is there? Do they share an interest in history? Chess? Sky diving? Stamp collecting?Keeping in touch with bedmates when he's in a new relationship is a bit dodgy. As is the haste with which he dumped you when you questioned it.You aren't being paranoid. That is a very reasonable concern.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): This is my personal opinion....and others may think differently. I just recently ended a two and a half year relationship, partially because of what you just mentioned (and a lot of other reasons). My boyfriend kept in touch with "ex's" and one decided to re-establish contact last spring under the guise of friendship. They began a full blown long distance emotional affair that robbed our relationship of trust and intimacy. I have never been comfortable with keeping "ex's" around, out of respect for my current relationship(s). I didn't need the headache and have enough "friends" to last me a lifetime. Anyway, all of this leads me to one conclusion. Men keep ex's around so that they have a fallback, should a current relationship not work out. Period. Case in point; my ex contacted a couple of his old girlfriends within two weeks of our break up trying to reconnect with them. However, these women are savvy enough to "have his number" so to speak and don't give him the time of day.
...............................
A
female
reader, adamantine +, writes (29 May 2011):
 If he keeps leaving you like this, I would forget about him. He seems like a coward; he chooses run away from the problem and forget about it rather than address it properly.Its okay to keep contact with exes if the relationships ended on a friendly note, but hook-ups are different. The only reason he knew them was for a hook-up, so the only reason he'd be in contact with them, you guessed it, is for a hook-up.I wouldn't bother. Don't sit around waiting for him to contact you back. You want to find someone who will treat you with respect, and be man enough to face problems when they arise.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): If does sound like your boyfriend isn't ready for an exclusive relationship.How Do you know he is in contact with all these exs? Did he tell you or do you snoop in his cell and email? (not a judgement - just asking)
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (29 May 2011):
 Maybe its just not meant to be. You can't trust him, and he doesn't want to do what you've asked, in regard to ways you feel would help you build trust. I don't understand the hanging on to ex's either. If it's all too hard, just let it go.
...............................
|
