A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:He says he loves me. He told me to ask him for anything I needed in this relationship. The ONE thing I have asked of him is to text me throughout the day/night (we work different shifts), just so that I know he thinks about me. I didn't ask for immediate replies to my messages. But here's a recent example: His last text was at 2:00am. I woke at 7:00am and sent him a 3 texts during the course of the day. He usually wakes around noon, eats, watches tv, and then goes to work @ 4:30, just as I'm finishing work. I didn't hear anything from him for over 14 hours. The least he could have done was sent a text that he'd catch me on his lunch break tonight (usually not til 9). HE panics when I don't get in contact with him right away. He's got abandonment issues and I do everything in my power to allay his fears that I'll leave him because I love him and care for his emotional well-being. He always wants ME to open up and communicate, but he won't do the same for me? He plays so close to the vest and won't hardly open up to me. What's with this? This is ONE way he can give ME a little more security in this relationship and he can't even seem to do that?! It has been the ONLY thing I've asked of him. His care for me is difficult to read to begin with. And yes, we've already discussed all this ad nauseum. If he REALLY cared, wouldn't he do the ONE thing I asked?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 November 2011):
maybe he's playing games with you to give himself a sense of power (by keeping you on edge) as a way to alleviate his abandonment issues. Maybe he's trying to "one up" you by making you respond to him immediately but leaving you hanging when you want him to do the same. If he's got deep insecurities and abandonment issues, this could be a way that makes him feel more in control of the relationship and thus reduces his anxiety.
I'm not saying it's a good thing, but I'm speculating this could be an explanation if you're perplexed by his behavior.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 November 2011):
 How is the rest of your relationship? Do you guys spend quality time together or are your schedules so messed up that you are getting by on text messages?
I'll be honest, text messages, in general are poor ways to communicate. Sure, on some level, they indicate that he may be thinking of you, but they really don't convey that much information and I wouldn't call it a good communication tool at all.
I applaud you for stepping up, however, in helping him overcome his fears of abandonment. However, sometimes life gets busy -- especially at work. Let's face it, he is at work and at that point, the time that he puts in there is his employer's. If there was a crisis, for instance at work, he may be unable to text you or carry on a text conversation. To jump at the conclusion that he isn't thinking of you, may be a stretch.
In short, I'd urge you to take a look at the totality of your relationship? Do you spend enough quality time together? Is he good to you? Are you a compatible fit? Those are the questions that you should be asking at this point. In other words, don't sweat the small stuff.
And if you really feel you need a text message from him, simply tell him about how great it feels when he does it. He should get the message at that point.
Best wishes
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 the problem is twofold- you're being too needy, but this is because he originally was being needy and you want the relationship to have balance. and if your feeding his neediness he should be also feeding yours.
which is reasonable. although not good for either of you
but his fear of abandonment could also be seen as possessive behaviour in that he is intrusive. the fact you cant get hold of him while he can get hold of you is making you distressed and possibly a little distrustful.
basically his insecure behaviour is feeding into you and making you feel insecure also.
he needs to stop panicking and go see someone about his anxiety and learn different coping strategies, and both of you have to stop having a relationship through the medium of text as it can cause this form of score taking, and this happens less with real phone calls. or with real contact rather than electronic communication devices.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): Honestly, I think you should be able to cope with not hearing back from him for 14 hours, if you are both at work. Some people aren't big on texting. Also, texts don't really mean anything, a person can be texting while watching tv or doing anything else, not paying the slightest bit of attention to what they are saying. why do you feel so insecure about this realtionship? maybe you need to discuss that with your partner, instead of demanding that he constantly text you.
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