A
female
age
36-40,
*reamsrsweeter
writes:I have been with my boyfriend a year and a half. We live together and have never been apart more than a day. He is constantly accusing me of cheating on him and doesn't trust me at all. (He is 40 and I'm 27 by the way) Every single girl he has ever been with has cheated on him and he has SEVERE trust issues due to a really horrible childhood. I have never ever cheated on any guy I have ever been with and I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. 3 weeks ago, I did something I'm not proud of, but I wouldn't consider it CHEATING. I went with a male friend for 2 hours to a theme park and didn't exactly tell my boyfriend that we were alone those two hours. During the time at the theme park, we went on 4 rides and had a margarita. I didn't touch him, kiss him, or anything even remotely inappropriate. I didn't want to kiss him or do anything with him. I didn't tell my boyfriend because I knew he'd say no and not let me go. Then a week later, I went with the same guy to a waterpark, and again, nothing inappropriate happened. Now my boyfriend is saying I cheated on him, and stabbed him in the back and he can no longer trust me. The thing is, he never has trusted me. He's always accused me of cheating on him, and now he's even accusing me of having sex with THE MAILMAN!!!!! Because the mailman knew my name and asked how my day was!!!! (I live with my 6 year old son and my boyfriend, and they both have male names so obviously my name isn't one of them!!!)After the waterpark incident, he "broke up" with me (but was still living with me, still sleeping in my bed, still eating my cooking etc) Every day, I don't know what to expect. Sometimes he'll be sweet and kind of like his old self, other times he'll be nasty and rude and accusational or just crass. I don't know what to do. I love him more than anything, but he is breaking my heart everytime he makes a nasty comment or accuses me of cheating. What should I do? How do I get him to understand I feel badly I lied to him, but won't ever do it again and get him to trust me? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2012):
 Do you know how I define cheating?
ANYTHING you can't won't or don't tell your partner.
YOU didn't tell him you were doing something with someone... that's cheating in my book... you cheated him out of the right to know what you were doing before you did it.
YOU lied by omission to him.
IF your comment is "well he gets upset when I do things like this" then you have two choices
1. don't do them
2. leave the relationship.
Personally I vote for leave the relationship. You already are walking on eggshells keeping things from him.
he doesn't trust, that's his baggage... but you feed that fear by doing things without telling him.
I love my husband. I would never cheat on him, he trusts me but gawd even if I did NOTHING with another person, to go off and leave my man without telling him where I am or who I am with (even if I went to the mall shopping with my girlfriend) is not something I would ever do.
So to sum it up:
this relationship has
lies
lack of trust
dishonesty
game playing
anger
pain
you need to end it. and if he says something point out that his behavior led him to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): Your boyfriend is EXTREMELY insecure. But think about it...he is 40 years old, he's not a spring chicken anymore...finding a 27 year old women surely was a boost to his ego and made him feel like he was still a man who's got it. Even if all these women in his past cheated on him, it's certainly not fair to put that on you. I suspect he's been dating much younger women for a while and when the reality of the lifestyle differences kick in and his behaviors start to surface, the women have gone elsewhere. Doesn't make it right at all, but it's probably the case.However, knowing what kind of a person he is, the choice you made, really was a bad one...innocent or not, that was not a good plan. If what you are doing, at any time, know you cannot do it in front of your partner, then you don't do it. Period. Trust is huge in a relationship and won't work without it. He set up the distrust from the beginning when it wasn't even fairly warranted, and now, well, he basically confirmed his worste fear and insecurity of the woman in his life.So, where to go from here? If you are with this guy for the long haul, maybe you can go to couples counseling and see if you can make this work. But if this is going to be a constant in your lives together, cut him loose and move on. He's got far too much emotional baggage he's hanging on to at his age.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 OP you are just digging a great big hole for yourself to fall into by being into this relationship with your B/f.
Do you know when the need to hide the truth arises? When telling the truth and bearing the consequences is so terrible that its better to keep quiet and live in peace. This is exactly what is happening with you.
There is nothing wrong in going with a friend to the water park. But the fact that you needed to conceal this bit of info from your bf shows that you know he is a drama queen and will kick up a huge fuss which is what he did. And now he's accusing you of having sex with the mailman!! Oh Please!!
OP your Bf has severe issues of his own and you are not responsible for helping him with them. The fact that he was cheated on or had a bad childhood is not your problem as long as you have not given him any reason to doubt you, which you haven't. Going out with a friend is NOT a crime.
This guy needs help and you are not the one to help him. You cant go through life trying to make him happy and trying to convince him that you are honest and truthful and a good girlfriend. If he doesnt get that on his own, JTB. Just Too Bad. He CANNOT accuse you and then have the cheek to break up with you and yet have the best of both worlds, that is make you feel bad and yet exploit you.
Stop being a doormat for this guy. You havent done anything wrong. And I can bet my bottom dollar on the fact that his insecurities are not because of his past but because of the age difference between you which is starting to catch up on him. He knows he's much older and not good enough for you (and rightly so) which is why he doesnt want you to hang out with other guys your age. He's scared that you will realize that they are better for you and you will leave him and that's why the things that he tells you are just a manifestation of his frustration.
Honestly if I were in your place I would leave this guy. He's too much work and not worth the pain. He's disrespectful of you and he's treating you like his servant just because you did something which is a threat to him. This incident with your friend in the water park is not just a one off incident to be dismissed. Its a sign of something much deeper that has come to light.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): I am sorry to say that you have now planted a seed of doubt and there's not much you can do. Knowing his previous relationship and trust issues, you should not have gone behind his back and done that. The fact that you went out with the guy again says a lot considering you did it once, felt bad, yet did it again. I suggest you end the relationship and find someone who you don't have to hide things from and who you won't feel the need to spend time with other men with.
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A
female
reader, iargwath  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 Getting him to understand that you "feel badly" about lying to him should be the least of your concerns in light of this situation. Your boyfriend has severe trust issues which he'll need to resolve himself before any improvement can be made with him trusting you. These trust issues have already started to pave the way for controlling behaviour, since you feel obliged to not tell him about spending time with other people for fear of his negative reactions. This is not an ideally healthy relationship, and he needs to know that if he is not willing to take the necessary steps to get over his emotional issues, then its just going to continually be problematic for you. Relationships revolve around trust, and if he isn't open to trusting anyone for fear of rejection, then he is being unfair to you as he is in no way capable of sustaining a decent relationship. You really need to step up and tell him how this is affecting your relationship. The longer you leave things as they are, the worse it'll become. Best of luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): Darling, your making life complicated..What on earth have made you decide to go out with a guy alone in an amusement park? when you know all along you have a live in partner who have trust issues?Not only once but twice going out with the other guy ALONE..What were you thinking? even if its harmless, Friendly thing, still its not right....You should consider his feelings. You are very much aware of his TRUST ISSUES right? So, why did u do that? and now your worried if its cheating or if its ok to tell him...You need to make up your mind. I'm not surprise his indifference, his nasty, his rude, then he can be sweet, he can be the man of your dreams the next minute. Honey, there's no such thing as perfect.Even if you broke up with him and get a new man in your life, there would still be stormy days that will come in your next relationship becoz it is a part of life. Its something we cannot control..You should learn how to handle things in a mature way. You said you love him, then work it out. Give your best shot to make the relationship work. Analyze him. What makes him angry, what makes him happy, what makes him paranoid..Then try your best to give him things that will make him happy, after trying and things still didn't work out, his still the same old him that annoys you, then maybe its time to GIVE UP...and Move forward..I don't think telling him about your secret date will help making things better. Keep it as a secret and don't do it again for heaven's sake
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