A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I would just like to check with you guys, I have been with my boyfriend for a year, and we enjoy being together but you get to know a bit more about a person as time passes and I have found some areas where we are not on the same page like buying property, work ethic, acceptable drinking and setting goals. So I think we are not actually compatible in these areas as I'm quite conservative and he's quite laid back. Otherwise we get on well and share some interests and agree on some issues too. But the things I have mentioned are important to me and because I really want to get married and have a family I want to be on the same page as a possible permanent partner, which I am not with him, not with these issues and so I told him about this and that I wanted a 'time out' to think about it. You know what he said? He said No. He wouldn't give me time to decide where I was going he said it wouldn't solve anything and he refused to break up with me also when I said that was his only other choice. So do I just act like I'm on a time out on my own? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (3 August 2012):
 I don't think you need a long time out to make up your mind. Personally, I'd take an evening and really talk to yourself about what you want out of a husband and if this man fits the bill.
From the sounds of it, you have some pretty serious reservations. Drinking problems, even if they are mild now, can easily turn into marriage busters in a few years. Just peruse the questions here and you'll come across a few posts from people who are trapped, married to a person who drinks too much.
Marriage is serious business and being married doesn't make problems disappear or make them any easier to deal with. In fact, being married often times multiples the problems.
I really suspect that there is a LOT more insecurity on your side going on right now. I'd urge you to do the following:
Take a weekend to yourself and really think about the man you've been with for the past year. Is he really worth committing the rest of your life to him? Is he father material? Do you see him in your life for the long haul -- helping raise your family?
You may also want to consider pre-marital counseling. Often time therapists can help you work on conflict resolution as well as potentially give you insight as to whether the two of you are truly a match made in heaven.
The decision to end a relationship as lengthy as yours is never easy, but the consequences of not ending a bad one could affect the rest of your life. Please give it the proper forethought it deserves.
Best wishes,
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (2 August 2012):
Those are some pretty big things to be apart on. Remember, marriage is just as much a financial arrangement as anything else. I think your "time out" means "move on."
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 August 2012):
 I need to ask you what you think a "time out" means. What is it? Time away from him? You can do that while still in a relationship. Time to screw around with other guys? I don't see how that would solve your problem. Time to date someone else? Essentially what is a "time out"?
Of course he said no. I'd say no as well. Either you're in a relationship or you aren't, no half ways. Take your time to think, by all means. But whats the thing with "time out"? If you need a week or two with no contact then just travel away... You don't have to call it anything other than having some "me time".
As for marriage, property etc... is he dead set on NEVER wanting it, or is he just not there quite yet? Guys do thinghs when the time is right for them, basically. Girls like to plan ahead, and follow a time-line. Guys don't. So he says to you he doesn't want to buy a home, or maybe he doesn't want to get married. And then in 6 montsh time, after you've left him, he marries some other chick. Because mayb ehe just needed 6 more months. You never know with guys that way! Suddenly they are ready, and the first girl who comes along is the lucky one. The only problem is if he is adamant that he never wants it.
Think about it, are you ready to buy a house with him NOW? If not, then why the rush? Why not wait until you are ready to do these things, before you question him on whether he'll join you in doing them or not?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2012): No OP, you grow a pair and tell him you're taking a time out. You sit down with him and outline why you're taking this time out and you tell him you need this.
Who's he to tell you that you're not allowed to take some time to consider whether this relationship is going to work for you seeing as you're moving in different directions in life and want different things?
Him saying no and refusing you time to think is a massive deal here. You have an issue you need to think about so you can figure out a way of resolving it and he won't let that happen?
You're going to have to force the issue a bit or just not have time for him any time soon.
"He wouldn't give me time to decide where I was going he said it wouldn't solve anything and he refused to break up with me also when I said that was his only other choice."
But those choices are bullshit if you don't act on them OP, you need this time out, you need time to clear your head and figure out what is going on and you also need to have the timeout so he can decide whether it's time he upped his game about setting goals and stuff, and whether you're worth making an extra effort for.
He thinks nothing will get solved by this, that's bullshit. He's just worried that if he's not around to talk you out of things you may come to conclusion that you need to find your own way in life. He's being very controlling here OP.
I have a feeling although I could be wrong that he knows he can talk you around quite easily and get his way with things, because of this he knows he needs to keep you within earshot so he can do this and make sure you don't get any "silly" ideas.
OP we all make sacrifices to be in a relationship but the fundamentals have to be similar. I mean you talk about property purchase, drinking, work ethic and goals i.e. betterment of yourselves. This basically means you have a future with a guy who doesn't see the need to buy a house and is happy to throw his money away on rent, isn't bothered about working and or becoming more successful and better paid, who sounds like he loves to drink a lot and doesn't see any need to change anything. A guy basically happy to float through life never making anything of himself or doing anything to improve his lot and doesn't care that you do.
And seeing as he even has the power to tell you you're not having a break or break up I don't see how he will ever feel the need to bother to change.
I was similar to him at the start of my current relationship 7 years ago. I was happy with not doing much, having fun with my friends and stuff, renting, drinking, partying and being lazy but I had to change all that because I didn't really want to be that guy forever and in order for my relationship to progress forward I had to do more than be sweet with my words, giving of my time and fun to be with. I had to be a practical, suitable partner who was willing to move forward in my life with her and fulfil more than just the basic needs. The difference as I see it though OP is I knew it was going to be a thing from the very beginning and we'd discussed at length our goals and dreams, and the futures we both wanted were fairly different but there was no question that I wasn't going to change some things to make our shared future together a good one. Being a lazy ass on the dole, playing games all day or drinking with my friends is not a lifestyle she wanted to share permanently. That's not the kind of guy many girls would want to be with including her and that's not the kind of relationship I wanted to have either.
Do I believe he can step up to the plate, yeah, I did. But I was under no illusion and it's something I wanted for myself anyway from the start and I also have a girl who is strong willed, determined and too intelligent to be anything but my equal. She'd tell me she's taking a break, not ask my permission and she'd laugh in my face if I ever tried to refuse something as serious as this and tell me it's happening and I can either play ball and sort shit out or it's only going to get worse.
In other words OP, if you don't act decisively then his lazy ass is just going to sweet talk you out of it and refuse as usual.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 August 2012):
 That's just it. The whole reason for relationships (courtship in previous generations) is to determine chemistry and compatibility. You've now learned of some incompatible things between you and your boyfriend.
The biggest mistake a woman could make at this point is to assume that he will change to become more compatible. You must decide if you can live with him AS HE IS NOW. If there are things (drinking level, views on marriage, children, property purchase) that you simply can't live with, then you do not need a "time out". You need a "move on", which is permanent. What would you hope to gain by asking for a time out? The need to think about it? You've already been thinking about it. You can't hope that he will change for you because the time out made him realize he can't live without you.
You have a big decision ahead of you. You can either accept him as he is or you need to completely end it. You're 26-29, and you're thinking about future life as an adult, when he's thinking more in the moment and less ambitious about setting goals as you. You're a type A personality, and that sometimes goes crazy without goals, ambitions, fulfilling rites of passages. To someone more laid back, that's incompatible. You can't push him to become more like you. You must either accept and live with him as he is, or you must leave and look for someone else. No hedging bets, no manipulation to see if your leaving will make him change.
We can't make it for you. We can only advise that if his views on marriage/family are incompatible, that you must not stick around in hopes that he changes his mind.
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A
female
reader, Lolly_Poll +, writes (2 August 2012):
My partner is quite a bit older than me, so like you I thought it was very important to make sure we were on the same page when it came to important stuff such as future marriage, homes, children etc. If something is that important to you, you shouldn't settle for any less. Someone who truly loves you and is completely compatible will share similar views to you. His response to the suggestion of a timeout seems quite immature, which perhaps is a different mindset to you. If you just stayed with him, those differences in compatibility might not surface yet, but in time they might and will become a rift between you. You have every right to think about what choices you want to make, he's your boyfriend, he doesn't own you. Good luck
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 August 2012):
 Is he not ready for marriage or does he not believe in marriage ever? This is a deal breaker for you. If you ask for a time out he may look at it as an ultimatum spurring him to propose to you. There is really nothing to think about. You either accept you will never be a wife and mother with him, or you break up with him permanently. His response is showing you that time apart is not going to force him to miss you and make a long term decision. You should be with a man who is sure.
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