A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My b/f has such anger issues - non violent - and it is affecting our relationship. For example, he is so mad at an owner of a restaurant because the owner did not say hello to him at an event. Now he wanted to punch the owner since he felt he was disrespectful since he spent money at the place for years. He wont even go back to the place. His anger is always placed on the fact that he was disrespected. Most people would not even have thought twice about the incident or other incidents that he gets upset about. My question is there anything I can do to help him. He wastes so much energy on things like this. His way to get over his anger is to hide out in his house and not bother or talk with anyone. His anger is affecting us. He deals with things like this by running into his hide out. Any suggestions or such I just walk away? He got so mad at me once for a question that he did not talk to me for weeks which was devastating to me. I know he loves me and I love him but his behavior is not normal. He is 52 not a child. I think he needs therapy or a book. But if I give him a book he will get mad. Is he just a bit off? Will it only get worse? I dont want to walk on eggshells. I have never experienced this from anyone before and feel he is very childish. Is he just being insecure? Or perhaps he thinks he is a king. It is very draining and it is ruining a good relationship. Once when he got mad at me I texted him 5 times and he got mad at that - didnt talk to me to teach me a lesson. Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): from a guy...
I'm mid-50s and I had these traits mostly when I was younger (are you sure you are not my wife because this sounds exactly like me of 20 years ago...just kidding).
I don't think it will get worse but unless he has some incentive to get better, it probably won't get better.
I was finally wise enough to realize I was hurting a lot of people (not physically) with the things I said when I was so angry, so I did the same as your guy. Instead of making things worse by continuing to spout off, I would just clam up. Well that didn't work so well either. They all thought I was punishing them somehow; what I was really trying to do was to not say any more hurtful things. If I was silent, I figured I couldn't. Seemed so logical to me.
If you could read one book on self-anlysis, read "I'm O.K., You're O.K." It is a laymen's version of Freud's model of personality. It helps on many levels.
But, the thing that helped me most was when we had children. I cared deeply for them and buffered my behavior in response. Then one day, I just was not doing it so much anymore. I sort of trained myself.
Now the kids are gone and occasionally it comes back but nothing like before.
It is difficult to analyze oneself but I tried. What I finally realized, and this is going to sound terrible so I'm glad this is anonymous, I cannot suffer illogic and stupidity very well at all. For some reason, stupid people, or even just somebody doing stupid things really bothers me. I don't get angry anymore, no more rage, but I do get very, very bothered by stupidity. My wife listens to me complain some but no more anger.
Oh yeah, guess what? I'm in the U.S. I HATE POLITICIANS, ALL OF THEM. Washington, DC must be the stupidity center of the universe. Bin Laden attacks us, so we attack Iraq? Drugs and crime and disease are pouring through the mexican border, so to deal with it, politicians want to legalize everybody that can sneak across? I could go on and on.
See what I mean. I just don't get it and I guess I never will.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): He needs help and there's nothing you can do to help him, he needs to do this himself, he has unresolved anger issues that need to be addressed.
If he doesn't go and get help with this then you have no choice but to either live with it or leave him, end of story.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): My father was this way growing up. It is horrifying for the people who hhave to deal with it. Luckily, we were able to get therapy for the whole family.
But i'm afraid that if you can't get him help and you can't do anythign about it if you don't get thim to realize that it's a problem and get him to help himself. There may be meds he can get to settle his nerves.. I don't know.. because i don't kow what the problem is. But in order to fix it, he's gotta be in for the ride.
Prehaps if you threaten to leave? I don't know that this is usually the right thing to do, but somethign drastic is to be called for here.
The therapy didn't work. My dad finally chilled out when my two brothers were gone and completely ignored him and hated him. He learned form his mistakes and didn't want that to heppen with me, so he started being nicer.
Sometimes that's what it takes. Is seeing the hurt you have inflicted on others and wishing you could take it back, I hope you see my point and can find some way to help him,
~SY.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (12 June 2009):
 He definately needs to get help i mean if you want this relationship to work then you are right you CANNOT and SHOULD NOT walk on egg shells around him you should be able to get mad at eachother in a non dramatic way and let it blow over and apologise and move on from it.
not worry thinking "omg will he ever speak to me again?"
i mean if you guys really want this relationship to work then yeah i suggest he gets some help from a therapist or pychiatrist maybe he has a problem that he's not able to deal with properly so he shuts himself away from the world and hopes that it'll go without actually having to face the problem.
you need to sit with him and talk to him ok he'll get mad but if he really wants this relationship to work or even HAVE relationship with you then he's going to need to buck up his idea's and start doing things for himself and facing the problems head on rather than scurrying away into his house and hiding away from the world.
if he feels as strongly as you do about your relationship he should seek help to over come this anger issues he has.
if not then he's not worth even bothering with.
you shouldn't walk on egg shells around him you should be able to be relaxed around him and not worry about him hiding himself away from the world because someone didn't say hello.
that in my book is pretty childish.... so what he never said hello....... he needs to grow up and get some help before he loses perhaps the only person who will be there for him and put up with him despite his hiding away.
Hope this helps.
keep me updated :)
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