A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel attracted to my therapist and understand that unfortunately absolutely nothing is going to come out of that attraction, for the following reasons:1. The therapist, despite her friendly, non-judgmental disposition, is just doing what she is paid and trained to do and probably doesn't like me any more than she likes any of her patients. Perhaps she doesn't even like me.2. Not only am I physically unattractive but I've also sold myself in a horrible way. I've confessed that I am a loser with lots of problems. This is possibly the worst way to attract women.3. I know nothing about the therapist. She could be married or engaged. She might be a lesbian.4. Therapists are bound by ethical and professional regulations not to engage in non-therapeutic relationships with clients and former clients. Failure to adhere to such regulations could cost them their career. Even though cases of therapists engaging in personal relationships with clients and former clients are not unheard of, I doubt I am the type of man the therapist would be willing to jeopardize her career for.5. The therapist is highly educated and has a respected career; I'm not and I don't. Women, in general, rarely feel attracted to men who are not at least as successful as they are.6. The attraction that I feel towards the therapist supposedly is just a case of psychological transference; it is an attraction aimed towards the wrong person.I already discussed my feelings with the therapist and she understood where I was coming from. She was not judgmental and showed no signs of irritation or embarrassment. She told me that she was willing to help me work through my feelings.I'm glad that the therapist understood where I was coming from, but given the nature of my mind (I'm in therapy for a reason), I doubt I will be getting over my feelings any time soon.Reading up on transference, unfortunately, does not make the attraction feel less appropriate, and frankly, there is nothing I'd love more than to continue therapy with that woman. The irony of this feeling is that I understand that the longer I prolong therapy the harder it will be for me to eventually forget about my therapist.There are three main courses of action I could take:1. I could discontinue therapy and/or find a different therapist. I don't like this option but I believe that the sooner I forget about the therapist the better.2. I could continue in therapy and try to defuse, with the help of the therapist, the feelings of attraction that I have developed toward her. This, however, is a risky move. If it fails I might end up heartbroken and possibly worse off than before I begun therapy.3. I could listen to my feelings even if the field of psychology says that they are misguided, make a series of concrete moves designed to build attraction, and hope for the best. The worst that could happen is that my therapist is not amused by my attempts to pick her up and dumps me as a patient. If she doesn't dump me but tells me to stop trying to woo her, I could then decide whether I want to continue seeing her or find myself a different therapist. In either case I would have to deal with negative emotions, but at least I'd know that the feeling was not mutual and I also wouldn't have to live my life wondering what could have happened if I had listened to my feelings.What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): I am a lesbian and I am attracted to my therapist (who is also a lesbian). I understand transference and read a lot about it. So last week I discussed this in therapy because I knew it was not going away and it needed to be brought into the open for me to continue positively in therapy. It was a good outcome and we plan on using this transference in therapy for me to better understand myself and my relationships that I have. I think you should talk to her about transference...and then go from there. Don't get me wrong...my irrational mind wishes for a relationship with my therapist but my rational mind knows better. My therapist is great and I want to keep her as my therapist.
Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): My therapist actively persued me. We're both lesbians. I ended up terminating her services, and she didn't charge me. We're friends now.
Your situation is different. Terminate her services, and locate another therapist.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Actually I think the attraction feeling might be a plus. If what you are trying to work on is related to women or attraction, then this might offer you a unique opportunity to make work more efficient. I think you did a good thing by sharing it with her.
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