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anonymous
writes: Wat do you do with the husband who won't share (on any level) with his second and current wife. In other words, who wont become "we" with his wife. Whose entire focus is on how to stay "we" or have an ever better "we" with his son from the first marriage?Thanks for your ear,Fom the second wife at her witts end. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (27 January 2005):
 Hi there Second Wife,Did you know any this about him when you married him? If not, why not? If so, why is it only an issue now? You can't - and shouldn't - try to compete with your husband's love for his son. The son only has one father and they're entitled to their bond. Their affection for each other doesn't involve you one bit, and doesn't subtract from the love your husband feels for you. If you feel your relationship with your husband is threatened by the son, simply because he's the child of your husband's first wife, you need to remind yourself that his mother's identity wasn't the son's choice. In other words, he didn't pick his mum or his dad. It doesn't reflect on you if your husband and his son want to be friends, and you would be a bigger person to encourage their friendship. When you say that your husband won't "share", do you mean financially or emotionally? The former is a legal requirement, but the latter is, unfortunately, an option that takes work.If your husband is simply stingy, you may have to speak up and set some ground rules that allow you access to a fair share of what you both own. The law backs you up on shared assets and I'd recommend consulting a legal advisor for details there.On the other hand, if you mean emotionally, this is something that is very difficult to change and requires effort on the part of both parties. He needs to be willing and you need to be calm and patient. You can't demand it of him, but he may be willing to try to be more open with his emotions if he knows how important it is to you. First, ask yourself first: what do you want from him? Do you want him to be more affectionate? Less secretive? Fix a realistic goal in mind first, so you don't simply start an argument with him, but can explain about something that you really feel you need.Then speak to your husband, keeping his son and first wife right out of the conversation. (Remember, they're not the issue here.) Tell him that you're feeling unhappy and unfulfilled because you find something important is missing. Tell him what it is and ask him if you can work out an arrangement between you that will let him open up to you a little more, so you feel more involved in his life.Then, learn to relax a little. For your husband to love and want to be involved in the life of his own son is a Good Thing for both of them. You may find that if you learn to kiss the jealousy goodbye, that your husband may begin to become less secretive about his activities naturally, when he realises you're not trying to stop him.Hope that this helps.
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