A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for almost four years, and of those four years, my commute to work has been 45 minutes to an hour. My husband, however, has only worked the past three years. His job is nearby, so his commute is quite short. I was recently presented with the opportunity for my dream job. If we continue living where we are now, my commute will be about an hour one way. I would need to be at work by 7:30 am and some days I wouldn't be done with work until 8 or 9 pm. My husband refuses to move to this new town so I can live and work locally because it would make his commute an hour one-way. He gets VERY angry when I bring it up, and he doesn't take into account my opinion when I remind him of my long commutes the past 4 years. He simply does not want a longer commute. His words and actions make me feel like I don't matter, or that he is too important to commute or that my time and safety is less important than his. It is like a weird system of keeping score, which he does with housework, too. Anything he does is inherently more valuable than any of my contributions. I want to note that we moved halfway across the country for his job. I am honestly at my wit's end. He doesn't want to talk about it and gives me the cold shoulder any time I bring it up. It is like icing on the frustration cake! Should I bide my time and file for divorce? Or should I accept his preferences and suffer with a long commute? We have no children and don't own anyproperty together.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 May 2016):
 And there are no houses in the middle, so you could both have a 30-minute commute?
How about you move out and get a place of your own, then visit him and the house on weekends?
Or, just do the commute. Several people commute an hour each way. They survive. You get used to it. I get it's a nuisance that your husband is such a stubborn ****, but you chose to marry him, and this is one of the thing you will have to accept about him.
If I were you, Id take the job, do the commuting for a little while just to get a taste of it, and then decide if it's worth it or not. I mean, by all means TAKE THE JOB, the question here isn't whether to take the job or not (and you're already commuting for 45 minutes as it is). The question is whether you should still share a place with your husband, or find your own apartment/house in the town where your dream job is.
Its possible to be married and not live together 7 days a week all year. I would actually think that NOT living together 7 days a week all year, would make the marriage last longer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2016): I'm curious, is your husband willing to compromise about other things? I agree that it's not fair, but maybe he believes that you mind a long commute less than he does, therefore it is more of a burden for him?
I'm probably wrong, but it seems like quite a jump from an argument over commuting to divorce.
Hey, could you move halfway and then you would both have around 30 minute commutes? :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2016):
 I agree with Cindy's approach.
While I'm ALL for trying to make a marriage work, I'm also ALL for compromises, discussions, respect, trust and EQUALITY in the marriage. If you don't HAVE those... really what DO you have?
I DO think your husband has this OUTDATED notion that HIS job, HIS commute and HE is the IMPORTANT part of the marriage. You as the woman should align yourself to HIS wishes. I'm sorry.. It's not the 1800 no more. He needs a wake-up call.
Now he MAY be making a larger salary and thus sees HIS job as more important to the household income, than YOUR income.
Because YOU are the women, you are more likely to give up YOUR career for kids etc. and he is more likely to be the SOLE provider, therefore he FEELS HIS job and HE is more important. And that like of thinking might have SOME merit, but then he also REFUSES to see that there are 2 of you in the marriage and you should BOTH have the right to have a career you are happy with and proud off.
I say GO for the job. I say GET a room-mate situation closer to work, maybe even halfway from your job to the home you share with your husband. Either he will want to find a way to make the marriage work by COMPROMISING or... he doesn't.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 May 2016):
 I think you posted yesterday about other problems in your relationship so I will base my answer on this assumption.
Note though that the answer would be basically the same also in case you are another poster ; it just fits even better if you are yesterday's lady ;).
Dream job. Dream job all the way.
If your husband won't budge, you can't deport him against his will. Leave him where he is . You can rent a little studio in the new town , or share with roommates. And you can go back home in the weekend. And see how it goes.
Would not this be the kiss of death to an already ailing marriage ?...
Could be . But so what ?. You are already considering divorce seriously. Your marriage is already creaky, and there's absolutely no guarantee that even if you stay you can repair things , since your husband is so adverse to any compromise and mediation. You stand to lose both husband and new job.
You complain that he is being selfish and only focused on his own interest ; cool, you won't change him if he does not want to change, and he does NOT want to change, at least so far he is not giving any indication of that. Take a leaf out of his book and start putting yourself and your convenience and interest first. Maybe he' ll gain new respect for you and that will promp a change, or also maybe he will have a melt down and your marriage will go burst.
You'll be left with a good job. It's always better in the long run to keep a good job than a bad husband. And yours, is a bad husband. Not that he is a bad person, but insofar being a husband, he does not even know the basics of
" husbanding " .
Yesterday's lady was hesitant to take a stand either way, more because of fear of getting out of her comfort zone than of any deep feeling left. They say everything happens for a reason, and I am often tempted to believe it. Maybe this dream job offer is the push that you , or she, or any woman that stays in an unhappy marriage just because ... it feels " weird " not being married , needs to regain control over your life - as an individual and not only as Mrs. Something .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2016): Take the job, move by yourself, ask him to look for work where you move to as it's his turn to let you take precedence, if he doesn't make an effort then file for divorce, you're already considering it and you're starting to resent the fact he takes you for granted.
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