A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Ok I would love some fair and informative advice here on my boyfriend wanting to have a FFM threesome. We have been going out with each other for 8 months and moved in together three months ago. At the beginning of the relationship he told me that he wanted a threesome. Like he would really want to do that before he dies. I'm glad he told me at the start! I would be insecure about it if he had pushed for it a year in or something... He says it is something that he does not see as an emotional thing at all. It is for us to have as a dimension of our sex life. It would pleasure him to just see me kissing another girl (which I have no problem with) and she would just be an extension of our sex life for that night. He wouldn't bring her into our home and also we would set boundaries and ground rules. At the moment, I am not ready for it to happen. I have just started to see a therapist about insecurities and jealousies that I have and I think it is important to be strong individually and together. He said that our relationship is more important to him. I had expressed fears that it would break us up. What do you think about the situation? And the affect of threesome on a relationship. How long into a relationship to do it?
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insecure, jealous, kissing, moved in, sex life, threesome Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (21 May 2013):
How long into a relationship before agreeing to it? Once you're sure the relationship is over and has no future sounds about right, because after it thats what it will be anyway....
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Clarification: He doesn't want a threesome just to trigger your insecurity.
What I meant was, if you were giving him credit for being honest from the start, don't because his timing was not motivated by a desire to build trust through honesty, but to establish power through uncertainty.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2013):
 Oh, he's emotional about a threesome, if he said he wants to have one before he dies. How dramatic of him. The sexual bucket list. Oh, the horror of having to die before seeing your girlfriend pretend to like to have sex with another random girl. The horror, the tragedy. Tell him when you are both in your 50s, you'll consent to consider thinking about it.
I wonder why he's pushing on it now, as you have started counseling. Perhaps he's afraid you'll gather your strength and decide what YOUR boundaries are? He has to convince you now that's it's a good idea before you wake up to your own wishes and needs and realize that for you, it's a bad idea.
You moved in after only 5 months, not long, really, to get to know him. You have to go to counseling for insecurities and jealousies, so think about that for a minute. What's the biggest trigger for insecurities and jealousy in your life? I'm assuming it's his past and present relationships with other women? You were cheated on, in the past?
How long into a relationship before it's a good idea? In mine, it would never be a good idea. I have no interest in feigning sexual arousal doing things that I have not ever wanted to do. That's what porn stars do. That's why the female ones get paid the big bucks.
If you have to ask someone else when you'll be ready to do something you are not interested in doing, and something that could cause more damage to your shaky sense of security and self-esteem, then that is something that should not be on YOUR sexual menu.
He told you at the beginning so you couldn't later tell him you were blindsided by it.
You can equally remind him that you aren't ready and may not ever be ready. Just because he told you upfront that this was a sexual bucket list item doesn't mean that you have to comply.
I'd move out and go back to casual dating until the counseling has helped enough for you to draw your own healthy boundaries and enforce them.
Good lcuk.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (18 May 2013):
 "How long into a relationship to do it?"
There is no set time for these types of things. You're either interested and excited about the idea, or you're not. Your preference won't change over time. No smart woman will sit in her room and tell herself "Gee, I am only 22 years old. I think I'll tongue a girl and pet her hoo ha in 3 years. Yeah, it's too early to do that now. In three years, I'll be ready and into it".
Do you think your boyfriend would be in deep thought if the tables were reversed? Do you think he too would be thinking about the best time where he is ready to French a dude and massage his chode? Lol, get real man.
"What do you think about the situation?"
Your situation sounds like the typical, man-wants-to-have-a-threesome and the women is not really into the idea, but is considering it because she is afraid of losing the man if she says no. If you want to experience first hand how shitty threesomes are, go for it. If you want to be miserable and even more insecure, go for it. I am willing to bet that YOU will not see any new dimension in your sex life. You'll just see a new dimension of crap.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (18 May 2013):
Sex is not just some emotionless act, regardless of who you are or how casually you treat it. If it were just about orgasmic relief, or a release of tension, we’d all stay home and masturbate. It’s cheaper, safer and more efficient. Sex is about connecting with another human being, whether it’s a one night stand or a long term partnership. There are ground rules and boundaries in hockey and other sports, but that doesn’t stop fights breaking out in the heat of the moment. And there are ground rules and boundaries for driving, but that doesn’t stop people from speeding, impeding traffic or failing to signal a lane change. Rules cannot prevent disaster. All they can do is give us licence to punish the offender after the fact. They offer a false sense of security to an already insecure person. Your potential female guest is not a toy. She is not an extension of your sex life and it would be in very poor taste for either of you to treat her that way. She is a human being who has her own needs, expectations and insecurities. She’ll need to feel safe and wanted by both of you and you won’t accomplish that by treating her as a tool and presenting her with your list of rules. A woman who wants so badly to keep her man happy that she is prepared to bring another woman into bed for his entertainment is a woman who has abdicated her power in the relationship. What you’re left with is an imbalance and THAT is the source of your insecurity. Eight months of dating this guy and three months living with him and you’re already in therapy. Which brings me to my next point. No doubt you were already an insecure person and your boyfriend did not cause it, but he is triggering it. And he’s been doing it from the start. He didn’t announce he wanted a threesome to build trust through honesty, but to create uncertainty and fear in your mind so that he would have the power. And it appears to be working. When a man wants to open your relationship (regardless of how briefly) or bend or expand the rules governing sex, you can take it to the bank that he isn’t doing it for you, but for himself. Always, always, always, always, ALWAYS.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): The next time if comes up tell him you'll agree to it when you can put a 12 inch dildo up his anus and it has to remain there until you orgasm! It's a fantasy of yours that you have been thinking about for a long time. That'll shut him up for a while. Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (18 May 2013):
agree with Got Issues' post
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (18 May 2013):
 Having a threesome is pretty extreme and I would advise against it. It doesn't sound like it's something you want, just something he really wants. Do not let him pressure you into a threesome or anything else you don't want to do. If you're already having issues with jealousy, a threesome is unlikely to resolve these issues. Threesomes are better left as fantasies and more often than not end up killing a relationship.As other people have suggested, turn the tables on him. Tell him you'll have a FFM threesome just as soon as you've had a MMF one. Will he still be as keen? I dated a guy who kept telling me he wanted to see me together with another girl. I brushed it off but it started to really piss me off so the next time he told me he wanted to see me pleasure another girl I told him that I had a fantasy that involved him giving oral sex to another guy. That didn't go down well. He was ok with living out fantasies as long a they were for his gratification, even if it meant me agreeing to something I really didn't want to do, but he wasn't prepared to do the same for me. I suspect it's the same in your case. Some guys seem to think that inside every woman is a lesbian just bursting to come out. Most girls who are with guys don't want to have sex with girls. Don't do something that you'll only end up regretting.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 May 2013):
 Concentrate on your own health first. your health must come first.
Guys, when the attraction is waning will sometimes suggest a threesome in the hope that it will enliven then relationship.
But in reality it only hastens the demise of the relationship. It's never the same.
As long as you are not ready then it's not on the table as a topic for discussion.
If you alone are not enough for him then maybe he needs a different girlfriend?
A threesome is likely to hurt your relationship with him.
My thought on when is the right time for a threesome is never.
It's takes a different kind of mindset and I just don't have that kind of mindset.
Stay true to your values and if he's unhappy with that then he will start to find fault with other things as a prelude to breaking up with you.
I think you deserve a better boyfriend than him
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (18 May 2013):
How long is a piece of string?
You’re asking the wrong question. The answer is however long it takes you to feel ready and to want it. Baring in mind you are already struggling with jealousy and insecurity issues, the idea of introducing some-one else in to your relationship is a ridiculous one. It would be even without that history. Would you also be able to see this other girl as just an extension to your sex life for the night? That’s assuming you can find some-one willing to be objectified for your, or his, gratification. What happens when you start getting paranoid he was more turned on by her than by you?
What about when you start panicking he’s going to want to do it again and at some point start to fall emotionally for some-one else? This is a fantasy that should either remain a fantasy, or he should go and seek to fulfil it with some-one else. For you this will be a disaster. These things don’t work out, over 2 years experience on this site tells me that.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 May 2013):
 Bloody hell! Have you considered some relationships last a LIFETIME without threesomes happening.
How about you tell him a threesome is more likely to happen if it is going to be boy, girl, boy first and how much you look forward to him getting down and dirty with another bloke. Tellhim it wont be an emotional thing at all, and that it is simply to add a dimension to your sex life.
Tell him how much it will pleasure you to see him kissing another guy and that you would accept the other man would only be there for that one night. Tell him how hot and wet the idea of man on man and then both of them pleasuring you at the same time makes you.
Tell him this is the only way you will even consider a girl/boy/girl threesome and watch him run for the hills.
Sweetheart, so what if he wants a threesome. Does your relationship depend on him getting his jollies while you do something you don't really want to do?
If he is persisting then he has no respect for you. Tell him to accept you are all he is going to have, and if he doesnt like it he can just bug off.
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