A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend doesn’t seem to like being alone with me anymore. Most of our pastimes now always seems to involve friends and family. We both developed sexual problems and I wonder if it is to do with that. He told me right from the start he can find things difficult to talk about, but it is getting really bad now. He doesn’t seem to want to spend any time alone with me at all. As we only seem to go out when it involves friends or family and my boyfriend and I aren’t having any intimacy, I feel like a friend that he just wheels out to keep his family happy. It is starting to really hurt me, but I am not sure how to deal with it. I think he would be gutted to know how I feel.At first we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, but we couldn’t have sex because I found it really painful. I have since found out I had a physical condition that caused it, but because my boyfriend avoids being alone with me I have been unable to tell him, and I certainly don’t want to do it by text. My boyfriend was very understanding to start with but now he can’t ejaculate he won’t have anything to do with me at all. I first noticed it happen when we went on holiday two months ago. He didn’t make a big deal of it at the time, but not long after that I noticed he wouldn’t want to be alone in a room with me, became tetchy with me and evasive even though I was only enjoying myeslf. I have a high sex drive and am very much in love with him, so I am finding it really tough. I could go without the affection and sex for a while if he just explained what was wrong and how long he thought it might last. I have even started to think that maybe he is having an affair, but I have no concrete proof of this.I've thought maybe he wants to break up, but he has already arranged for us to spend Christmas together. I also thought that maybe he doesn’t find me attractive anymore, but I would have thought he would have split up with me if that were the case.We cannot afford sexual counselling, so what advice/thoughts can you give us?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2008): Hi. I am the poster of the question. Yes, he doesn't seem to like being alone with me at all, that's including in a non-sexual context, unless he is worried it could lead to a sexual encounter.When it was just me having the sexual problems, we used to do other sexual things that would turn each other on greatly. Then he developed what he sees as his problem. I didn't mind that he couldn't ejaculate because it would mean we would spend alot longer on the sex play which would turn me on greatly. Generally speaking, we would spend up to an hour (lucky me!) on sex play but he would give up after that blaming it on his drinking. Now he is in no way an alcoholic to my way of thinking but I have noticed that he has cut back on his drinking lately,I am just not sure what to do now. He used to hold my hand all the time and cuddle me in bed all night. Now it seems he can't even bear to be in the same room as me. I talked to a trusted friend about it too and she too thought he was avoiding being alone with me because of the sexual problem.
A
male
reader, OutOfTheOrdinary +, writes (21 September 2008):
Hey,I must admit that most men find it difficult to talk about feelings, especially those of a sexual kind. Also men will think of any lack in their sexual ability a dent on their manliness (much like being told they are not a good driver!!).It would seem to me that he is possibly ashamed about his lack of sexual performance and may, as a result, by shying away from getting into the situation. However, he should realise that you need to know about this and if he can't talk to you about it, then who can he talk to?Maybe you should not try to have sex straight away but turn each other on by other methods? I am somewhat lost as to why he does not want to be alone with you though, presumably you mean in a non-sexual context?Hope that helps at least a little?
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