A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been with my husband ten years, married for two years. We have always had our ups and downs but now we are very strong and we have two children. However, when I was nineteen I made a terrible mistake. I kissed another man in a club while drunk. It was totally out of character and I couldn't believe I had done it. I'd never cheated on anyone before. I was so drunk I couldn't remember it happening so I have no idea of what it was like or how long it lasted, but it did , and I've agonised over how it must have happened and my imagination has filled in the blanks, and I just keep picturing myself with him and feeling sick. Obviously, the right thing would have been to tell my husband (then boyfriend) but I just couldn't bring myself to. This was cowardly, I know. I kept meaning to find the right time and soon after I got pregnant with my son, and didn't tell him because I was scared he'd leave us, to this day I've kept it secret. But the guilt is eating me alive and making me so angry. I hate that I really wish I was a good person but I know deep down I'm not. He is so good to us all, and he thinks I'm a good person and I'm not. This upsets me. I have almost told him my secret a few times, but now it just doesn't seem fair to hurt him just to ease my guilt. I have been selfish enough. I know it was wrong to marry him without telling him, but I just couldn't hurt him. I know I should tell him the truth, so I ask, what is the kindest way to do so? I know there is no good way, but I really want to tell him because he is a good man who deserves to know what his wife really is.
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female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986  +, writes (16 November 2016):
I think honestly is the key to a successful marriage. You need to tell him the truth on what happen when you were nineteen years that you accident kissed another man. And it was a mistake that u did it. Were you and your husband who was your bf at the time taking a break from each other because you two were having your ups and down with each other? Is the sin the other man's or is he your husband's son? I am so sure you made a mistake years ago. But do fix it first.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): I think it's not right for other people to have sex with other guys
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (1 October 2016):
Ive always wondered here if the same advice would be given if it was the case that THEY were the party in the dark ...
Lies (and lies by omission) are not a foundation to build a relationship on. You don't keep the truth from someone you respect.
Proceed accordingly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2016): Kissing a boy in a club while drunk at 19 is such a minor mistake and you are NOT a bad person for it! Its not good that you did it, and that you never told your boyfriend/husband, but honestly, your intentions are pure and thats what matters. You've made it up to him by being faithful all these years. Its ok, let it go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2016): I don't agree that the motivation to tell him is purely selfish. But I do agree it is probably better left untold. I rarely ever feel that way about past secrets but this one is pretty darn minor.
On the other hand I would not be very upset to hear the truth now if I was your husband. It would rate as an annoyance but nothing to lose sleep over. I might not be the right source of advice for your relationship because I am pretty relaxed about these things.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2016):
 So you want to tell your husband this for the selfish reason of not having to carry this memory yourself?
If you can't even remember the kiss are you SO sure it happened? I have been drunk, very drunk but the ONLY time I didn't remember most of it was when I had blacked out. So basically so drunk it was borderline toxic.
So IF you are so sure you kissed someone, I don't quite believe the "I don't remember" story.
And if this is SO out of character how does it help your husband SEE who his wife is? OK let's say for a minute you DID kiss another guy YEARS ago, what GOOD can come of telling him now? Don't you think it's a little late to be useful for anyone? (especially him?)
That one sloppy drunk kiss doesn't define who you are as a woman, a wife, a mother or a person.
To be honest? I think it's way too late to confess this. You can't even tell him what supposedly happened since you can't remember.. so what would you say?" Darling hubby, when I was 19 I went to a club with friends, got hammered and I "think" I kissed a guy.... " What is your husband supposed to do with that ?
Sorry, I think you need to forgive yourself for having made a mistake and my guess is that you LEARNED from it and never repeated it. It was a kiss... So stop beating yourself up. A drunken slobber of a kiss is not going to bring down the World's moral police on you.
Time to let it go.
Now IF you had slept with someone, I might advise you to tell him, even though I still say it's WAY too late for confessions. But it was a kiss. A drunken kiss. Surely it's not something to be proud of, but to carry that shame for 10 years? You need to let it go and be the best you, wife and mother you can be. Not to make up for anything, but to ENJOY the life you have now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2016): You do not need to tell him anything. Seems like you need to forgive yourself and move on. You made a small mistake and it was so long ago. It's not worth the can of worms you're going to open. Why are you being so hard on yourself??
You're going to feel a lot worse about it once you see him upset. Is it worth it? Can't you just tell yourself to forget about it? It's not like you have plans to do it again.
I wouldn't even think about it at this point let alone tell him.
Focus on being a good wife now and don't be so hard on yourself.
'What his wife really is' was drunk. And young. Moveeeee onnnn
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