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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: If you accuse your boyfriend of cheating and he says he is remaining calm because if he doesn't he will become violent and walk out the door and never come back, would that raise a red flag? He said he doesn't like being called a cheater.Is this am extreme reaction?Could this mean he is cheating?Not sure how to take it.What does everyone think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): Not all men who cheat are horn dogs on the prowl. Not every person is the same. But it's easy to dump them all into the same category. Also look at who says the comment and their motivation for saying it. Usually it's a woman with a bad experience with a serial cheater or just band wagon jumpers.Your biggest issue is that he is manipulating you for sex. It seems to me he has all he needs in you. And he knows it. And he will continue to exploit your weaknesses for as long as you allow it. If you try to leave him and I suspect you have, he pulls out all the stops to keep you, right? Is more attentive? On his best behaviour? Then he drops off into his usual cool demeanour until you threaten to leave him again? Guys like this are expert charmers. Everything they do is premeditated. He has taken a good girl and is slowly breaking her down for his own gratification. If he really loved you he would not do this to you. He would leave his wife. He is emotionally abusing you. That is sometimes worse than physical abuse. But I suggest you don't stick around to see if it escalsres to that.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): "And he is not interested in anyone else because I give him everything he needs."
Don't you think he says the same thing to his wife when .. if.. she suspects something is up?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): If you were married to him and he was cheating on you how would YOU feel? If he really is "all that" and he loves you.. ???? ... Why has he not left his wife already? You are the convenient bit on the side now rocking the boat because deep down you KNOW what you are doing is wrong? At some point his wife is BOUND to find out... and he is no doubt spinning you a yarn, there's no sex right? Come on Op, you get one life, don't waste it. Either he divorces and stands up and acts like a real man to be with you "out in the open".. or what???? What is YOUR future? Are you content to be the woman he uses for sex when he feels like it? Anyway in general he sounds like a nasty piece of work. The threat of violence should not be taken lightly. And his general demenaour and actions with others tell me enough that he is no doubt manipulating and threatening you, he has it ALL worked out as to what pleases you sexually, you were probably a bit lonely and settled for an affair... TRUST me I have been there, except the man was not married, however I was the main woman and he did this to me behind my back with 3 other women. I disagree with the other female op, cheaters like this, arrogant, self-entitled males, act like horny lions on the prowl. He probably has sex with you and then goes to his other woman, or home to his gorgeous wife who he is LYING about to you.If I were closer I would come talk some sense into you. You know what though, he is exactly the type of man who probably doesn't like you talking about him or your "manipulationship". I know the type. How many single men are out there??? Why did you pick him? As others have said, address your issues about why you feel the need to settle for crumbs and not the whole loaf. I bet you are attractive, intelligent and kind. They always go for the kind ones becauses we are easier to manipulate. Believe me though, great sex is just great sex and you can get it with another man, you WILL meet another man. You have SEX, that is all. You are like an unpaid prostitute to him! But sex connects us at deeper levels and we can mistake it for intimacy. Great sex kept me going backwards and forwards to a manipulator and I thought I will never feel this way again. Please, please, please if you do anything today, start googling for trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome and narcissistic abuse. You are being manipulated at a VERY deep level and the peptides in your brain are flooding your body, getting you seriously addicted to the drama of it all.And by the way, listen to what people say. They will tell you a lot about themselves. He mentioned violence if he thought you were cheating? Firstly, WHAT a hypocrite. SECONDLY, WTH... what if he misinterprets something? My ex said he would never hurt me until the day he misinterpreted something and pushed me into the wardrobe in anger. But hey, the sex was MIND BLOWING... and the bottom line was, that was ALL I really had. Ask yourself, WHY am I settling? Am I lonely? No friends? No opportunities? Can you go without sex? Sex keeps a trauma bond in place, to their advantage. Get a vibrator and dump this manipulator for good. Although I fear he will threaten you with violence if you do. Where are your family.. friends? You need their help and support. If not, then a domestic violence centre. Do take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): I do not agree with male anon or some others. A man who cheats is not necessarily a serial cheater who is trying to bang every woman in his path. He may be faithful to you, OP. He may also be tired of the accusations. My guess is they put a damper on the fun. And just because he has one mistress does not mean he has a whole stable of them all at once. Let's be real. However, it does mean the odds are higher in his favour of cheating on any one woman because he has already done it. But not necessarily so either. We don't know for sure what a person will do. I do think your greatest obstacle is trust. As has been shown thus far. If he did leave his wife, you would never be able to trust him to be faithful to you once the fairy dust wears thin. Will he then seek out someone more exciting? Will there ever be someone more exciting? This is the risk you take when you are involved with a man who is looking for greener grass. I think he is causing you great distress and emotional upset. Is the mind blowing sex really worth your own sanity?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): It's the OP.
Wow, Male Anon. That was a no holds barred answer. Maybe I needed to hear it.
Thank you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2016): You are seriously deluding yourself in the first place if you think this person is being faithful to you when he can't be faithful to his wife. Get help for your co-dependency through counselling and STOP being part of a love triangle that will only end in tears. You are betraying another person - his wife - and compromising your own integrity. Get a reality check. This man is a turd and you stepped in him and got stuck. How can you talk about love? He is an abuser, a cheat and a liar. No doubt his wife doesn't understand him and she has gone off sex right. Get a grip woman and stop ruining YOUR life and other peoples! He is NOT the only man on the planet and he is MARRIED. SURELY that should have been ENOUGH to stop a decent moral person. So what kind of person are YOU?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2016): It's the OP. I have never known him to be violent in all our years together. He does sometimes say mean things in the heat of the moment or during an argument. And so do I for that matter. We know how to push each other's buttons. It is a volatile relationship due to the high chenistry we share. I have constantly railroaded him with accusations for the past couple of years at least. Some days he can take it and is not upset at all and once in awhile when I really push his buttons or depending on his mood he does get very angry and act out a lot more than usual. He says he has had enough and just wants to get me to stop accusing him of things he is not doing. He wants me to trust him and continues to try to assure and reassure me that he is trustworthy, that he would never hurt me or jeopardize what we have because he knows how lucky he is to be with a woman like me. And he is not interested in anyone else because I give him everything he needs.I guess there will have to come a time that I believe him.Or decide to be his judge and jury WITHOUT any concrete proof - and there has never been one shred of evidence that he is cheating since I've been with him - and leave him based on fear, paranoia and perhaps a misguided gut feeling based on insecurity and fear.I said to him am I supposed to sit around and wait till I am dethroned? He said it could be HIM who is dethroned by ME. And that no relationship is guaranteed in life. Not even with a marriage certificate. He assured me he wants just me and that I continue to enthrall and captivate him even after all this time.I guess we tend to hang cheaters automatically and assume they all do the same things and are all the same when in fact they are not all the same nor do they all repeat one pattern of behavior and nothing else. From my research, there are many different types of cheaters and situations which prompt them to cheat.I guess I need to decide if I can trust him and stay or cut my losses now. The bottom line is that despite the obvious challenges of our relationship, we are both still getting more good out of it than bad. And we are both able to compromise and work through differences most of the time.I
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2016): He's just 'told' you who he really is. A violent man. He threatened you. Yes people that get overly angry very quickly are either guilty and so look to snuff out your feelings with their anger to avoid being honest or they have a vile temper. Neither scenario sounds like a man I'd want to be around.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2016): Surely threatening someone with violence is NOT a normal reaction. Can't believe anyone would suggest it is, however provoked. If your partner is behaving in ways that are annoying or unfair to you, then you take steps to deal with this either by talking or leaving, not threatening to beat them up????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2016): Why the hell do you stay with this guy? Seriously? Why do you stay? Why are you so determined to perpeuate your own misery?
And why do you HAVE to have proof of his infidelities? Because if you did find out he was cheating, I doubt it would change a thing - you still wouldn't leave him. You'd simply stay and drive yourself even more crazy.
So many of the aunties here have advised you seek some form of therapy or counselling to help you through this dark time in your life. Is there any reason why you haven't done this yet?
I strongly recommend it too as it sounds like you're completely unravelling.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (30 September 2016):
 He can't cheat on you because he's not yours and, by the sounds of it, he never will be (which would actually be best for you!).
Yes, anger is a normal response.
No, violence/threats are not acceptable.
You should leave this aggressive cheater forever, but you need counselling to give you that push in the right direction. You're torturing yourself by choosing to stay with a man who will never be trustworthy, loyal, respectful or safe to be around. Get therapy, OP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2016): He's an ASSHOLE and you deserve better.
Can't you see that?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 September 2016):
 I think this is a perfectly normal reaction to such a horrid accusation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): He's capable of violent behavior. So he threatens you not to accuse him of cheating; because he will become violent? He almost killed a man in a fight? Lets hope he's not a member of a gang or a fight club. If he has no facial bruises or scars, that rules that out.
Who gives a flying f*ck if a man like that does leave? In fact, you're in danger when a man threatens you like he did. He's afraid he might become violent, and do what?
My guess is that he has all those scratches and bruises because he probably gets into a lot of brawls. He's an aggressive piece of sh*t, according to your descrioton! Or he's deep into sadomasochism as a side-activity!
Rashes, redness, and bumps come from friction and sweat. They don't necessarily come from sexual activity. Men who are athletic or very physically active sweat down there a lot, especially those who wear tight-fitting jeans. I've gotten bruises between the thighs from cycling. There is proper wear for that, and it reduces the friction and accumulation of sweat that causes it. Bite marks, hickeys, and scratches on the back, are better evidence that a guy is having sex. Know your own marks, before assuming they were made by someone else. So he got you there!
So you've got to decide if his warning means he can cheat all he wants. Regardless of the physical-evidence that he is; but you better shut-up or put-up. Not to say nobody wants to be accused of cheating, if they're not. I just think his reaction is too extreme. At least he leaves before he explodes. So don't provoke him when he reaches that level of aggression.
Don't make constant accusations if you don't have the balls to get out of the relationship. You've dug yourself a hole. You're stuck with a potentially violent man who could be cheating, and you had better shut-up about it.
Love is not meant to fix people. That's ridiculous. People fix themselves; because they want to be loved. They should be fixed before they get it. Otherwise; they haven't earned it. Maintaining love requires each person in the relationship gets exactly what the other gives. Each receives kindness, loyalty, and affection.
Not one sap trying to repair the other to make them fit to be loved. In a word, that's stupid. I won't retract that opinion. Love is a good thing, and should be exchanged with those capable of giving it back just as they received it. Not some sponge soaking it up, and doling it out in itsy-bitsy doses when they damn well feel like it. Like they're doing you a big favor just by being there.
Men are not rescue pets or stray animals you pickup out of an alley. They are thinking and breathing human beings. They have opinions, responsibilities, and beliefs that they/we live by, and some things about us you cannot change. Love until your heart explodes; but bad men are bad men, until THEY decide to stop being bad men. They are not meant for good women, good men, or children. They are dangerous, cruel, and some are lethal.
Comes some silly female who thinks she can smother him with love and change him. He'll suck the life from you, and beat the rest out of you if you cross him.
I see a desperate cry for help and you don't know how to get away from him. You call it love, I sense total fear; and frustration that he is scary and you don't know what to do.
Which do you feel most for him? Love or fear? You think he's up to no good because you're insecure and have a jealous nature. What a combo you two are.
If you're up to you neck, and unsure what to do; I suggest you contact a center for domestic violence and get some counseling. I think you're scared and stuck in a dangerous relationship and you feel upset; because he may be cheating and he'll beat your brains out if you try to leave.
Getting nastier is more than a red-flag. It's a clear warning you may be in danger.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 September 2016):
 So, you're accusing a cheater of cheating, even though you're someone he's cheating WITH. But you're worried that he's cheating ON you, though he's cheating WITH you.
Of course he's cheating! He's not and never will in your entire life be LOYAL or FAITHFUL. You can't cheat with a guy and then expect loyalty. A cheating relationship is based on lies and a destruction of trust from the very foundation.
If you want someone who is loyal and faithful, then be with a single guy who isn't cheating on someone to be with you, and likewise, you're not cheating either! Otherwise, put up with this hazard, and either stay, knowing he's cheating ON you as well as WITH you while he's cheating ON his wife, who is the real victim of this cheating dog, or LEAVE him.
As for his reaction, he's telling you that he doesn't want your drama along with the sex, and truth is, you CAN be discarded and probably WILL be if you demand too much of him. Because he is NOT your boyfriend and he IS a cheater.
Mistresses don't accuse or encroach. You can't ever have it both ways. You're not the savior of his horrible life and his clandestine soulmate. You are the guy who is sleeping with someone behind his wife's back.
The real world sucks, and if you can't wake up and you're too addicted to this whole thing, then you need to call for some therapeutic help as the others say, because you're wasting what's left of your youth on this guy, and you WILL be left alone soon eventually. That is the nature of cheaters.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 September 2016):
 Because violence is an extreme response. And it is HIS way of creating a little sense of FEAR in you so you will STOP asking questions or accusing him of things he doesn't want to talk about.
If my husband accused me of cheating, violence wouldn't be the first thing that came to my mind, it would be anger, disappointment, sadness and finally, I would decide if those accusations were enough for me to decide to leave. Because NO ONE wants to be constantly accused of doing things they don't do.
As I read the follow up I agree, you are in a state of total denial and cognitive dissonance (google cognitive dissonance, please because Tisha is right ) YOU CHOOSE to be with this man for ALL the wrong reasons. You call it love? THAT is not love. To live with constant distrust, toxic dependency and the level of sheer madness. (checking out his whole body for "proof" he is cheating - seriously?) I bruise easily and I tell you if I had to be "inspected" by my partner and explain every bruise, I'd probably tell them to go fly a kite because I have no clue where the bruises are from.
GO find a counselor and DO look up cognitive dissonance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): Hi Tisha,
Yes I am the mistress.
I am on the verge of falling apart over this.
Nothing worse in this world. This kind of pain. All because you LOVE this man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): It's the OP. These are my reasons. He cheated on a past partner. He has bruises in between his thighs and underneath his penis. Almost like fingers were digging into him in that area. A red rash on his pubic area. The same red type rash on one thigh. Scratches on his shoulders. Back. Stomach. A cut on his knee. Bruises on his legs. Two red pimples close to each other on his neck. His body always seems to be battered. Excuses? Cut my knee at the cottage building a dock. I cut my finger chopping vegetables. I scratched myself. I fell down the stairs. I have a skin condition. Honey, it must have been you who gave me those bruises. I have never been with anyone else. I am NOT that rough for the record. If I accuse him, he gaslights me and turns the tables on me all the time. Accuses me of cheating. Which I have never ever done and never ever will do. I love the guy! Poor me! He accuses me of complaining. Of not being happy with HIM. And all the while he takes no responsibility for his actions. No empathy. Just accept him as he is or don't. His frequency of texts to me have dropped off. He seems more distant and not as affectionate as he once was. He does not kiss me as much. And he seems to have slowed down in the bedroom. Less energy and more tired and not as sexually charged about me as he used to be. He says if I walked away because I could not find it in my heart to trust him, he would miss me but he'd understand. He would not fight for me. It is as if he would like to have me and all this other little play things and the minute I start to cramp his lifestyle, he starts to stomp his feet. He says I am trying to control him by manipulating him. I am not sure how. I just want him to be LOYAL and FAITHFUL. That is all! Is that too much to ask??? He seems to have an issue with me being in control as he is the one who has to have control in this relationship. I think he is very flawed. He lifts me up one minute and then tears me down the next. He goes on about not needing anyone else because I fulfill all his needs. I also told him some friends of mine think he is cheating. He said yes, a lot of guys do... 99 percent... but he said he is not like other guys. That that is not us. Really???? Should I believe that???He went away on a guy's weekend at the cottage. He was unreachable for a lot of the time. He said there was no reception up there in the woods. But funny how it was selective. He had it in certain areas but in other areas it was zero and he was unreachable for hours. And his phone always went straight to voice mail. I was up there at the cottage with him a few weeks ago and it seems odd to me that I had reception in the exact same spot he said there was none at all. So, I think he was up to no good. It was a guy's weekend. Not hard to figure out.He has also said if I ever cheated on him, he has the ability to become violent. In fact, he almost killed a guy in a fight and held back last minute. And he is so good at controlling his emotions. In fact, sometimes I do not think he is human because he is so void of any feelings. His eyes just seem dead. Like a snake. And yet other times he is so sweet and loving and affectionate. He even cries during a sad movie. I am not sure why the Jekyl/Hyde thing? I wonder if he is a narcissist or sociopath? He is definitely broken and I somehow think if I love him harder, I will fix him. I try and try but I can never seem to win. He seems to have no care for me or my feelings. Only his. In fact when I text him and I worry about his not answering, he gets really mad. His daughter texted him the other day and he did not answer. Like me, she was concerned that he did not respond within a certain time frame. He called us "idiots" and said he is living his life and nobody should be intruding. He should be able to respond when he feels like it. I found that totally insensitive. It's because we care that we are trying to get a hold of him. Sometimes I wonder if he is cheating. He just seems distant, angrier at me. Almost like he is threatened and bothered by me because I am too close to the truth. He says I am inventing stories in my head. But what else would he say? Is he deflecting? I have stopped looking at him thru rose coloured glasses and it seems the moment I am seeing his true colours, he is getting nastier.And Honeypie, thank you for your advice. And I am wondering why you said his becoming violent could be a Red Flag? Can you elaborate?I just don't know if he's been playing me all along and sweet talking me when I get suspicious or too close to throw me off track.I do not get it? Why on earth do men keep cheating? Why can they not be KIND and let a woman go instead of keep cheating on her? Surely she deserves better than a man who purposely destroys her heart every time he bangs a new chick. How do I know he is not cheating?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 September 2016):
 Hi again. Yes, it could be considered an extreme reaction; however, your continuous accusations of cheating could also be considered an extreme reaction.
This is the married boyfriend, you are the mistress of several years now and the cognitive dissonance is doing your head in.
Please go to counseling. Please. You are not in a healthy state, your thought processes and unhappiness are causing you major pain.
You've been posting about this for some time now and it's obvious the answers to your questions do not settle your mind, they do not calm your mind nor do they solve your dilemma.
The dilemma is that you don't trust your boyfriend and you haven't now for some time.
GO TO COUNSELING. Call your doctor and get yourself a referral to a good therapist. You are stuck in an eternal loop of unhappiness.
P.S. saying he could become violent is a red flag.
P.S.S. doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is a red flag.
GET QUALIFIED PROFESSIONAL HELP. Seriously. I see your posts and see what kind of pain you are in. You don't have to continue this path. Change it. GET HELP LOCALLY.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 September 2016):
Who wants to be accused of something they didn't do? I mean seriously!
BUT, the fact that he says he could become violent is a Red Flag to me.
Why did you accuse him of cheating? Did you have any real proof or what's going on with that? And if you think he is cheating to the point where you accuse him, why are you with him? You obviously don't trust him.
And no, being pissed off when accused of cheating doesn't ALWAYS mean the person IS cheating. From what you write there is NOTHING in your post that would convince me that he is cheating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2016): Why are you accussing your boyfriend of cheating? Is he or is he not cheating? Do you have proof?
I would be extremely mad too if I wasn't cheating and you keep calling me a cheater.
I suggest you explain to him why you think he is cheating, in a nice calm manner. Talk it out with him, ask him questions, don't just accuse.
He is letting you know that he is very close to leaving you because he cannot tolerate you accussing him.
This gives no insight as to whether he is cheating or not. Just tells us that he is fed up with your accusations.
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