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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:OBSESSION ABOUT SEXUAL PAST?I became involved with a married man 7 years ago. He was divorced in summer ‘06; separated in spring ‘05. 5 1/2 years of the 7 years was long-distance and he often sent mixed signals (duh, he was married.) The adultery part is something neither of us are proud of, but we love each other dearly. I’ll try to make this short - here goes...I was abused sexually as a child. As a result, I learned to hide secrets from people, portraying myself as perfect and wonderful, when in fact, I wasn’t. Further, I learned to feel loved through sexual acts. I’m not proud of my sexual past. It became very easy for me to repress the things I was ashamed of - that which happened as a child and as an adult. Throughout my life I was involved with a handful of married men - very few single - very short term for the most part. I sought counseling and learned a lot about those behaviors and why I did things. I’d never told my boyfriend about my ‘past’. He found out on his own.He asked me, over and over again, about every person/act and all of the details. I couldn’t and still can’t remember details clearly as I’ve just put those things away and for the life of me, just can’t remember everything (part of these stints involved alcohol - what I called my wilder days). I lied to him over and over again for fear of losing him when he discovered the real me - and my need to protect and portray me as the perfect girl.... He saw through it all and forced me to take a polygraph if I wanted to save us. The day of the polygraph was when I came 100% clean about everything I remembered. I hate not being able to remember, but then again, that was then and not now. He knows he obsesses. (He grew up in an alcoholic family and if things are good, they’re about to get bad; so he’s uneasy with being so happy...and he admits he obsesses over things. We’ve both taken steps and continue to take steps to make ourselves better and strengthen our relationship every day. We’re both growing into the people we want to be.)I passed the polygraph and we’ve been on our way to healing our relationship. He’s hurt that I lied to him, over and over again – and obsesses over the acts with others (even though he does realize he was married back then). It really bothers him that I can’t remember (which bothers me somewhat). He’s grilled me for months over who/what/when/where/why/how of it all and is now encouraging me to seek hypnotism because I can’t remember stuff - which I’m considering because I love him with all my heart and want us to work more than anything in the world. For the most part though, I’ve read the hypnotism is more for helping people change current behaviors - not remembering the past. ANYWAY, he’s trying so hard to move on and forgive me. He says he forgives, but cannot trust; I think it’s that he can trust (which he does at times admit he does trust me), but that he has difficulty forgiving... He has 2 children from a previous marriage. We agreed not to introduce them to me until he knew for certain about us.We’ve discussed marriage and our future and both feel it’s forthcoming but we’re still taking it one day at a time. At times, he’s full of wonderful words about our future; at other times, he’s still very very hurt...which I can completely understand. We both realize it’ll take time - how much time, we don’t know....but we both hope it’s possible. We’ve grown so much individually and as a couple; both learning a lot about ourselves. We both want to be better individuals and show his children a better life than the constant bickering they had for so many years. (Took him so long to divorce as he was used to being unhappy - result of his childhood; he sought counseling to help him realize he deserved to be happy....)NOW, he’s moved in with me. I told him not to unless he was certain I was the one, as it wasn’t fair to his children. He agreed and we’ve moved forward, crossing that gap. We have a wonderful time when the kids are around and I help keep him grounded where in the past he would’ve lost his temper. They love their new environment when they visit and everything seems to go so well...UNTIL....he drinks a few drinks and opens that door to grill me again about my past and why I can’t remember; often calling me very ugly names. It’s gotten SO much better over the past few months and we both want us to work more than anything in this world. SO, what’s your insight to this? Should I see a hypnotist to try and remember stuff that doesn’t mean anything to me anymore; although he needs to know. Or, is he just obsessing about this and need to let it go?? Anybody been through this before?? All replies are welcome....
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): okay, hes not obcessed about your sexual past, he just wants to be sure your not gonna cheat or anything before he commits to you, at least he's asking you and not keeping things bottled up only for them to spill out later, if hes asking about your past it means hes serious about you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): I think honesty is best if he really loves you then he has the right to know who he is getting involved with, so tell him and trust HE is telling the truth in staying with you
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reader, willywombat  +, writes (25 January 2007):
 I forget you get to pick your surgeons over there don't you. Good luck with the physical thing, and I hope the mental thing will work out too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): Hi, it's Malyce...to lazy to log in...
Are you both in individual counselling? I think you both need this ASAP and it needs to be continued for a great length of time.
You two cannot be the strong and reliable, correct sources of comfort and guidance, not yet- as you are not able to be this for yourselves.
So get the counselling.
You can sit her and try to back pedal, explain away, excuse, absolve, and truly believe you two are meant for one another but you cannot completely be all you need for one another unless you both recover from your childhoods and gain some sense of purpose, directiong, gain new skills on how to cope and recognize when you are letting your fears and insecurities of yesteryear cloud and rule the events of today.
Victims of neglect, abuse, rejection, abandonment from childhood do have a tendancy to seek out partners to re-create the past in hopes of acheiving a different outcome where the past is fixed with the new partner.
It doesn't happen this way. You both are setting yourselves up for a great fall...and will have to work that much harder, endure that much more pain and anger when it is unnecessary.
So...agree with Willy...
Until you address your childhood with the proper sources and support...you have a hellish road ahead where the abuse will continue.
Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe only reason I agreed to take the polygraph was to redeem myself and that it was the only way he'd KNOW I was finally truthful; otherwise, he couldn't remain with a liar as that's no real relationship. Not so funny thing though, with my history, it was the polygraph that finally forced me to tell the truth; not the numerous nights of him pleading for me to be honest with him. It wasn't pleasant but seeing his face when the results came, that I'd told him everything, was a big relief to him. Thks Wombat - I'm not on here for help with his Achalasia; but you said you were knowledgeable in this rare disorder--therefore I just had to ask. We've researched (and will continue) every avenue for the remedy(s)...we know surgery will be soon and are in the process of selecting a surgeon who specializes in the Heller Myotomy.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (24 January 2007):
I have only ever seen one case of LES. I know that there are treatments involving Nifedipine (Adalat) and Isosorbide Dinitrate (Isordil) and also Botulinum block that can be performed. I know the incidence is about i in 100,000 people being diagnosed with it. But I didn't think you where on here for that sort of help. After all, for all you know I might be talking bollocks!
I accept that you and your husband are working things thru, but I don't accept that you feel the need to make excuses for his paranoid behaviour because he 'needs' to drink.
Why be in a relationship if either of you have to take a lie-detector test? That doesn't compute for me at all. A past is a past, it cannot be changed no matter how much we want it too. The past also includes you maing a decision (rightly or wrongly) on not discussing every last detail with him.
Good luck for him and his treatment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not that I'm 'rejecting' all of the opinions on this thread. I value everyone's opinions. I feel as though I failed to praise my guy's good side and I guess it's me being defensive because I love him so much that it may sound that I'm rejecting these ideas. I do want to know what others think about this situation. A lot of what's been said has hit home with me; but actually, it's not too much more than we don't already know.
I'm more intrested in people who have gone through something similar as I feel it's easier to relate if you've been through it yourself. I am most appreciative of all advice/comments as I know it's easier for people to see things when they're an outsider.
Please don't think I'm ungrateful for all the time and efforts everyone's put into this thread. I am very appreciative.
[[[Wombat - I'd be happy to take any suggestions from you to inquire with the doctor about as to prescription medications to relax his LES. I'll discuss it with his doctor tomorrow before his endoscopy. Are you familiar with Achalasia then? He's recently been diagnosed as all the other idiot docs thought it was GERD - when it's much more than that. It's gotten terrible over the past month and he vomits and chokes very night - unless he has a few drinks. It's quite scary. He has about a pin sized hole for food to get to his stomach - after 2 hours, only 6% of his food makes it there, etc...... The docs suggested he take in no solid foods until this surgery.... We live near a very prominent hospital and there's something to say of his condition when all of the staff comes running after his various tests to 'look' at the x-rays and all. Have you seen achalasia? Most others have only read about it in text books.]]]
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reader, willywombat +, writes (24 January 2007):
In answer to your question 'am I a gastroenterologist'? can I answer no, but I am a qualifies theatre nurse and have worked on a agstroenterolgy unit. So YES, sorry to disappoint you, but I DO know what I am talking about.
Secondly, need to just ask you WHY you want to ask for help and then reject EVERY singly offer of support or different viewpoint anyone has on your situation. This to me smacks of self-justification and you DON'T actually want help from anybody. You have made up your mind and you are using this forum in order to justify your decision to yourself in order to feel better.
Look, I hope for your sake that he has nothing wrong with him. But I feel there is no point in us trying to help you address your issues cos you really don't want to know.
Good luck.
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI believe it’s easy when one states something negative about their partner, that it’s what others focus on as I have not ranted about all of his wonderful traits. He doesn’t berate me every day. He isn’t grilling me and saying negative things all the time, just on rare occasions and alcohol is usually the culprit for it. I’m curious if he were writing his viewpoint, what all of you would say then???
(Quickly to respond to Wombat, no, there aren’t any drugs he can take to relax his lower esophageal muscle. Are you a gastroenterologist? Have you performed a Heller Myotomy? His condition is rare - 1 in 100,000. We’re waiting on surgery and while I agree that there are muscle relaxers out there, pills just sit in his esophagus, never making it to his stomach. The doctor agreed that although it’s not healthy to rely on alcohol to relieve his symptoms, that it’s the best viable ‘relief’ until the surgery. We’re both in a career field where you can’t just pop pills for the heck of it...and some he’s been prescribed in the past don’t work and have terrible side effects. For now, 3 strong drinks a night is what he’s doing so we both can sleep. It’s never been even close to that in the past as we only drink on occasion-it's only been this way for a few weeks. There are a myriad of tests to be performed before the surgeon (not many specialize in this disorder) will accept him as a patient. The next test is tomorrow; then surgery will be scheduled.....enough of that...I just pray to God they don’t find any cancer cells in his esophagus....but that’s an entirely separate story.)
We’ve both come to a point in our relationship where we’ve discussed what we both want for each other and as a couple. We feel honesty is the best policy and want to share EVERYTHING with each other. Let’s face it, not many relationships have that. I can count endless numbers of people I know that do things that their husband/wife doesn’t know and they’d never tell. If you really think about it, that’s kinda sad. Neither of us want that ever again. We’re best of friends and truly enjoy each other to the fullest. We compliment each other and our strengths add to each others’ weaknesses. We want a very unique relationship, which is what we have now, where neither partner feels they have to hide ANYTHING. It’s quite special and I cherish being able to tell him everything as I've never been able to do that before. It really feels wonderful not to be hiding anymore – which I can equate to my step-father hiding me in the closet when I was little. My partner is the only one in life who ever took steps to get me out of hiding. It feels wonderful.
For those of you that think I don’t have any self esteem – I’m really not sure where that comes from. I’m very attractive - and intelligent to boot. I’m independent, strong-willed and always walk with my head up and shoulders back. I love myself and feel great about who I am and what I’ve accomplished in life (incredible career). I will agree that there were times in my life where I had a low self-esteem though...back in my ‘wilder’ days where I equated sex with love. But for now, I just can’t agree with those statements (and I give credit to my guy for making me realize how wonderful I am!).
I do find it interesting where some of you have said that I let him blame me, basically. Hmmmm. That’s a thought to ponder. But see, I admit when I’m wrong. I lied to him and I was wrong in doing that. So, yeah, it’s my fault....he has every right to be upset with me and frankly, I hurt him very badly. The man I love more than anyone ever, and I hurt him. Eventually, as we continue to rebuild the trust, hopefully he’ll be able to really forgive and trust again.
For those of you that think I didn’t LIE, that I just omitted facts....c’mon.....that’s crazy. (That sounds like Clinton with the "definition of is" issue.) I lied to him about all of the facts, minimizing my role in the sexual encounters with others...the year it occurred...etc. Call a spade a spade....I lied and I was wrong...and I'm so terribly sorry. I realize I lied to protect myself and minimize my role, so I still looked "perfect"...and nobody would ever know the real me -- what a sad way to go through life. Yeah, I had my issues why I lied...but the facts are the facts, right?
I do agree that the details don’t need to be out there as it does fuel the obsession but in efforts to be honest, I came clean (after being polygraphed). (The polygraph was so that he KNEW I wasn't lying still - I was like the kid who cried wolf and he didn't know what to think- so in an effort to save us, I agreed to do it....) I do still have problems remembering as I’ve blacked so much out – because those relationships mean nothing to me now). He realizes his obsession with that. I have discussed with him in depth what I was going through at that point in my life, what I was feeling, etc. It’s just that he’s so deeply hurt that while he let me in to his world and trusted me (hard for him to do), I betrayed his trust by lying to him. No, the details aren’t pleasant for him, but he says it’s really the fact that I lied and he states our relationship will never be what he thought it was.
Our relationship will be better and is definitely stronger as a result though. I’m so fortunate he’s helped me and that I’m no longer going through this world as the person I was back then. Oh yeah, and we both know all about the co-dependency stuff. We’ve read all the books....he came from an alcoholic father and I was abused as a child.....all that said, we know what we’re facing. We've taken steps to look hard at ourselves so we can fix the things where we're lacking. Not many people ever do such a deep soul searching as we have. We both recognize our faults, weaknesses, strengths, etc.
All the wonderful is SO WONDERFUL and to give up on that would be SO very sad. Neither of us are even close to giving up. We're working very hard to mend and continue to grow as we want to be together for the rest of our lives. Both of us realize our issues and strive every day to overcome them and be better individuals. We’re breaking the cycle so that his children will not go through what either of us did. Every day gets better and better. It’s getting easier for him as he doesn’t obsess on it near as much as he did months ago. We’re just taking it day to day....
One interesting thing to note is that he’s always thinking about the past....and I told him that if he keeps worrying about the past, that he’ll miss the present..... He knows this and understands/realizes...but it’s just hard for him to change his brain. He’s come so far though and we both continue to work on ourselves. Pobody’s Nerfect.....
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reader, Yos  +, writes (24 January 2007):
 I do think there is likely some truth in what some other aunts are saying. It sounds like there is some unhealthy co-dependency in your relationship. Having said that, I think that if there are some very good aspects to your relationship (as it sounds there could be) then it is worth trying to improve it rather than leave, as long as you are really making progress.
And it does sound like you have some common traits of low self esteem. You look to excuse the bad behaviour of another by finding fault in yourself instead. This is very normal behaviour for someone who has experienced what you have. Don't feel bad about doing it, but rather try to separate what you want and who you are from what he wants and who he is. Neither of you should be blaming the other, or excusing behaviour because of the other. You did what you did for your reasons, and he did what he did for his. Keep it separate. His behaviour is not because of you, nor are his feelings. And vice versa.
You need to separate your need to be honest with him from his need to dig into 'the facts' about your past. I think it is healthy for you to be able to be open with him, as long as he is not being abusive about it and you feel safe doing it. But it is certainly not healthy for him to obsess about 'the details' and for him to know too much, and to insist on 'knowing' and questioning. Everything you say should be offered by you on your terms, and when and how you feel like doing it. As I said below, focus on telling him 'the emotional truth' about your past. How you felt, how your experiences were in terms of emotions, and how your feelings and beliefs have evolved. You can be totally open here and benefit the both of you, as long as you don't feed him facts and figures. Anything specific will end up being fuel for his obsession, and just lead to more questioning. The good thing about just discussing emotions is they are vague (not fuelling obsession) and also really the only thing that matters now.
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reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (24 January 2007):
 I agree with a lot of what WillyWombat says. To me it looks like you want to justify his behavior. You're so used to being made to feel inferior that you sympathize with the person most guilty of inflicting the feelings of inferiority on you. Kind of like the Stockholm Syndrome, where the victims become emotionally attached to their victimizers. I think he needs to address his issues and you do yours, independent of each other. You think you are helping each other. It may be a case of the blind leading the blind.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (23 January 2007):
Hang about, you didn't LIe to this guy, unless it was by the act of omitting to tell him everything. BUT, very few people want to tell everything about themselves, or even manage to in this situation. After all it is YOUR past and as such has nothing to do with anybody else.
This man, for all of his positive attributes does not have a healthy outlook. For a start he only ever has the confidence to discuss this with you when he is intoxicated. Secondly he does not even discuss it with you (so why did I use that word?) he berates you fro stuff that you have done and cannot go back and undo. How much longer are you going to go on feeling beholden to him and saying sorry for something which, in actuality does not concern him?
As for the physical problem of his stomach, he is leading you on. There is medication he can take which will ease these symptoms.....needs to drink? I am sorry to be blunt but you make excuses for his atrocious behaviour.
He says he has a problem with the fact you lied to him. YOU DID NOT LIE - you chose not to tell him. Now to be honest the fcat he keeps bringing this up means HE NEEDS HELP! He is unstable and he needs cognitive behavioural therapy to get over this jealousy, as that is all this boils down to in the end...plain old fashioned jealousy. He cannot deal with you having had any thing resembling a life or a past that did not concern him. In this he is controlling.
You are strong I admit to a point. But then you do not make this man face his own demons when you have faced yours. Taking a polygraph test? C'mon, can you not see how dreadfully warped that is? Begging for you to tell the truth about your past for nights at a time? I mean, what if you had no past?
You have a typical mentality of somebody who has had a 'bad' past, you think that you are worth less than anybody who could possibly love you because you are worthless. This is simply NOT true. You have a right to a past the same as you have a right to be wioth somebody who does not drag this past that you dealt with in your own way, into the light to examine and poke over repeatedly...so enhancing your trauma.
You won't do this so I don't know why I even suggest it...but ask him to leave until he gets himself sorted out. Whilst he is so is living in 'lala' land about you, wanting you to be perfect and you continue to make excuses for his behaviour you will never be happy and feel in tune with each other. That is a fact.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all of the different views posted. I think YOS has helped the most as our situations are very similar. What's failed to be recognized here, and perhaps I didn't explain this fully, is that my man helped me in ways nobody ever did before. Because of him, I sought help. I was abused from maybe 5-11 years of age; never got help or could even say the name "Donald" until now - 36 years old. We have gotten some counseling and have BOTH come SO far, individually and as a couple. He is the only one I feel has ever protected me and would stand up for me. He loves me so much; that's why it hurts him so bad.He realizes he has weaknesses too. He realizes he has an obsession with the facts. He was raised with an alcoholic father. You see, it gets really difficult in that he went through life never trusting anyone - never trusting happiness (as in alcoholic families any good moment can become explosive). FINALLY, he finds me and trusts me; however, I end up deceiving him by not being honest with him about my past...for many months (nights begging for me to be honest...) Yes, things happened to me as a child to form the way I thought and dealt with things, but the fact is, I LIED to the person I love the most..... How should he take that? For him, he finally trusted someone and I betrayed that trust. That's the bottom line. I hate what I did and have shown him I no longer want to be that girl that hides from her feelings, and that I'm so very sorry. I've gotten so much better at expressing my true feelings on things - whereas before, I'd just keep things to myself. He knows I'm not the woman I was back then and that I've chosen to lead a better life - and have for several years now.This man is a wonderful man in so many ways. I can't begin to dote enough. We know we have something so very special or we never would've made it this far. For those of you telling me he has issues and leave him - beware - that's such a lame answer in my opinion. Just because someone has 'issues', if you love them, you stand by them and support them to deal with them. That's what we're doing. Every day has gotten better. Before, we would go over the details (which, like Yos, he remembers like an Oscar performance) every single day, sometimes twice a day. It lessens all the time and now, it'll come up about 2-3 times a month. We feel in due time, it will rest its ugly head - however, I never expect him to forget. The only thing I can do is show him how much I do love him through my actions, deeds and words - that I'll never hurt him again....Again, all views are appreciated. Thanks to everyone who has replied. Your opinions are all valuable!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): "The events of childhood do not pass, but repeat themselves like seasons of the year." Eleanor Parjeon
That such ugly and evil acts have been committed against your young mind, your young body is most unfortunate. *hugs* The scars and wounds from all those years ago will never completely heal. They will haunt, slip in the mind even when things are going well in your adult life.
A part of healing or at least coming to terms and learning new skills on how to identify and deal with the ghost of your past will come with time and therapy.
Your new partner now plays a role in re-creating these childhood horrors and adds to the belief that you-because of those horrid persons who violated beautiful you and left you feeling you are different=strange=lesser which is what is indirectly taught to you because of the sexual, physical, mental, and emotional abuse you have endured in your youth; how can you begin to heal and recover if your partner uses your past against you to gain leverage over you? You can't and won't unless you realize this is what your partner is doing and have him get counselling to address his issues from childhood. He is an abuser.
It is very clear why you would choose to have your partner in your life as a lover and friend as you still believe that you are not worthy of a good, loving, supportive man who does not abuse you. You are caught up in re-inacting your past/childhood.
How about this? I have taken the follwing suggestions from a fabulous book by Beverly Engel titled " The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing"
Make a list of the negative ways you were viewed and treated by your parents and/or other significant caretakers.
Write about how you feel this affected your intimate relationships. Page 67, Excercise
Excercise:
The following Excercise will help you discover whom your original abuser or abusers were:
1. On a piece of paper, make a vetical line down the center of the page. Choose one of the abusers from your childhood and make a list of this person's characteristics, using one half of the page to list the person's positive chracteristics and the other half to list the negative ones.
2. If you have more than one abuser, follow the same procedure for each person.
3. On another piece of paper, list the positive and negative characteristics of your current partner.
4. Compare the lists of your childhood abusers with the lists you made of your current partner. Do you notice any similarities between the lists? If you do, circle them.
5. Is there one childhood abuser who has many of the same characteristics as your current partner? If so, this person is likely to be your original abuser. Page 74
It sounds that you are still struggling with the false belief that because of your childhood and the events...your choices in a life partner are limited.
You are NOT less worthy than any other woman and NO ONE should be allowed to tell you this. NO ONE, not even your self.
You matter. You are valueable and beautiful. You have many gifts and talents. You deserve respect, love, support, validation, and to be cherished.
Please continue with counselling and make sure your Partner is going as well.
I would make it a condition.
Best of Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): I totally agree with Ponungalungb. You man needs to let it go, hun. He is obsessing over something you cannot change, whatsoever. It's as if, he wants to impose this controlling 'tyranny' of pain on you to punish you. I think in light of your abuse, he needs to understand what that pain did to you as a young person-how life was so demoralizing, how lost you were, at that time in your life. You require his compassion not his condemnation. After all, you were hurt badly and you are being forced to relive this-his behavior is like kicking someone when they are down. You need to tell him to stop hurting and using you as his "psychological' punching bag. He is in such a "only my feelings count' mode, that he is blind to your pain. Amazing how he feels justified doing this to you..his compassion, his understanding, his love, his perspectives are all tossed aside, for his 'me-me' feelings. And look at the price you are paying. He really needs to learn how to love you in a more creative, healthier way. A well-recommended marriage and family therapist is in order for him and you. Look into it. Tell your guy that you love him. That you have moved on from your past. You are no longer that person. Ask for his love and support as you both weather this together, with some couple counseling. If he can't do this he needs to understand that perfection is not to be found in our world. We are, all of us, flawed. If he cannot get past the fact that you made some mistakes which makes you human, he should do you the courtesy of giving you as painless a break up as possible and move on. My heart is with you hun...I hope your love for each other pulls you both through. Good luck and be strong.
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reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (22 January 2007):
"The intensity of his reaction shows the intensity of his love." Interrogating, hypnotizing, and brow beating someone shows something to me, which sure doesn't fall into the guidelines of love. To me, the intensity of his reaction shows insecurity, possessiveness, and an attempt at controlling someone. Love doesn't belong in the same sentence.
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reader, Yos +, writes (22 January 2007):
I feel for you and your partner. A lot of what you describe matches my experiences with my girlfriend.
There is a lot going on here.
First I agree with you that he does trust you, but cannot forgive. This seems very clear to me from your story. But it is the case in this kind of situation that trust is much easier to regain than forgiveness. This is because a man can trust whilst still seeing himself as strong, whilst forgiveness (of this particular thing) involves a man letting go of a lot of beliefs and self-image, beliefs that prop up his own ego. To forgive you he has to say (and believe) that your past is OK, that he is OK with it. This means he has to say of himself that he is willing to be with a woman who was all the things he calls you; since his emotions are telling him you are a slut (or similar), then he is a man who is only worthy of a slut. He has to admit that to himself and make peace with it in order to forgive. Very messed up, but there it is.
Secondly, he is not over this. Not by a long way. Clearly you have both talked this over and been through a lot, and progress has been made. But there is further to go. The fact that he still insults you and makes you feel guilt and regret shows this. And especially, the fact that he wants you to seek hypnotism. If he had truly forgiven then this would not be happening.
The hypnotism is the most worrying thing. That he so has to know that he would want this shows that obsession has gripped him completely. If he had any empathy for you, he would never wish on you to have to dig up these old and nasty images. And if he had learned enough about himself and what is effecting him then he would know that the worst thing he can do is learn more. He needs to forget... not dig up more so he has to forget that too.
You should not have to remember your past. I have done the same thing with my girlfriend. I questioned her, then questioned her again and then attacked when I found contradictions. Every answer is filed away with the level of detail and recall only someone obsessing can do. Every word will be remembered perfectly. This is creating lies: you do not remember to the level of detail he now does. His mind is filling in details (negative ones), and then replaying them over and over again. The pain for him will be terrible, so he gets upset and lashes out at you since he sees you as the cause of these images and his pain. When in fact he is causing it all. Those images are ones his mind is making up.
All i can suggest is that he goes to therapy to address this specific issue. The essential step for this is that he recognizes (at least when sober to start with) that this issue is 100% his and because of that only he can get past it. Any 'solution' that is about blaming you in any way is no solution at all.
Although none of this is your fault, you can do several things to help him.
First when he questions you give him no specific details. Instead describe your emotional state during that period of your life. How you felt personally, what you were going through personally. Don't describe any of the men, provide names or details of any acts or places. Nothing than can create an image of anything other than you in his mind. By sharing your emotional state with him he will hopefully gradually come to understand and empathise with how this was for you, and why it happened.
The other thing is to understand that he loves you. Personally I don't believe this reaction can happen without love. It is because he loves you that this hurts so much. If he didn't, then he wouldn't care and the images wouldn't hurt. The intensity of his reaction shows the intensity of his love. Small consolation perhaps, but some none the less.
Best of luck to you
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says it's not the acts, but that I lied about them to begin with...for so long with him begging me to tell him everything.....that's what he says he's having so much difficulty getting over.
Everyone has problems and issues unless you were raised with the Cleavers.... It takes a HUGE person to recognize their flaws and weaknesses and to implement positive changes to reverse these things -- both of which we've looked deeply at ourselves....
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): Your partner has some SERIOUS problems. I'm sorry but, he clearly does. Your sexual past is YOUR past, it should have nothing to do with him. I am guessing you have severely low self-esteem and respect for yourself for even considering the idea of being hypnotised to recover memories from your past. I am a qualified hypnotherapist and if someone came to me presenting your situation and wanted to recover their memories for their partners satisfaction I wouldn't do it.
You shouldn't let your past haunt you. What happened, happened. They helped make you the person you are today.
I think your partner is really manipulating you and I can only possibly think of pretty terrible reasons for why he is persisting in wanting to know your past. Be very, very careful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBY THE WAY - I didn't create the title to this post -- but, he only says mean things when he's drinking - which, for right now, is the only way he can sleep without vomiting - he's undergoing more medical tests but will need surgery real soon....he knows the alcohol is a double edged sword. This is a wonderful man and I guess I failed to dote on all the incredible things about him, but he is.... Thanks for your thoughts --- isn't it always easy to say 'leave em'......we have way too much of a great thing going and we'll both do whatever it takes to work through this....but I respect all viewpoints.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Reebe. I appreciate your kind words.
First, I did NOT make up the title to this post. The 'he calls me ugly names' is true when he's drinking but other times, he says such wonderful things and makes me feel better than I've ever felt in my whole life. I feel complete and truly loved - finally... FURTHER, what I failed to mention was the drinking ----- right now he's undergoing a medical problem where his lower esophageal sphincter will not relax; food can't get through - he chokes and vomits at night (more tests this week)....he's going to end up having a surgery...but for now, the alcohol is the only way he can sleep - to get the sphincter to relax... He hates it and knows it's a double edged sword....but until all of these tests are done, it's the poison we must deal with for now...
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reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (22 January 2007):
I don't think you should see a hypnotist. He needs to see a shrink. Your past is just that YOUR past. Who is he the virgin queen? This guy has too many problems. You need to find someone that loves you for you. As you are. You need to move on.
Good luck!
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reader, Reebe +, writes (22 January 2007):
 This is a bit of a toughie, I want to say firstly well done you should be so proud of yourself. You seem to have very litle self esteam and i think your partner in someways has been very unfair on you and very pushy and controlling, although maybe he is struggeling with coming to terms with what has happened to you in the past, not just because you lied to him. If you don't want to remember the things that you can't then please don't do it, only do it if you want to and not to please him but i thin he may want you to because he's worried about you and this is how he's showing it. You 2 seem to be working hard on keeping your relationship together and do not give up, but I think he needs to cut down and hopefully stop his drinking this seems to be a bit of a problem between you too, and he seems to obsess over what has happened in the past. I would try relate or some sort of therapy for both if you together and work through these feelings you both have. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of and can work wonders to improve your relationships.
Good Luck!
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