A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm going to try and make this as short as I can. As much as I love my friends, I feel like I am the only one who always gets left out and even ignored sometimes. They will all make plans or hang out or all be online chatting and doing stuff together without me. I just don't get why I'm the only one who is getting left out and not invited to do anything with them most of the time. None of them are mad at me or anything and there aren't any problems, me and them get along fine (we've been friends for a while). I do occasionally get invited to do stuff with them and to chat with them online and stuff, but about 80% of the time they don't invite me to do anything with them all.There are a couple of people my friends hang out with that are really nothing but drama. They can just be obnoxious and even mean sometimes so I'm wondering if it's best for me to just distant myself for a while.I'm just pretty bumbed out because I feel really left out from all of my friends basically. These aren't just a couple of people I know, these are 6 good friends I've been close with for almost 3 years now. I think they're eventually just going to stop talking to me all together. Any ideas what I should do? I appreciate all of the help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, MikeKemp +, writes (16 May 2013):
As we enter our last stage of being a youth, we can experience some of the biggest life changes that affect our relationships. The people who we choose as best friends when we are younger are actually growing adults themselves and may become someone who we don’t get along with or have much in common anymore. Furthermore, in this new technological age people can be and are connected much with people we call our friends by social media websites such as Facebook. This can cause unnecessary strain in relationships because sometimes there can be pictures of your ‘friends’ seemingly excluding you in their adventures or fun. To find out just what is causing this rift in this relationship I suggest talking to your friends individually, taking a break from your ‘friends’ who cause you to feel excluded, or just plainly moving on and finding new friends that are more interested in you and what you do. This will show us whether they really do secretly not like you or whether you are just expecting them to be different people like they were in the past. When we assume too much about what people are doing when they seemingly try to ignore us it can cause us to experience many different negative emotions such as anger or jealousy which can cloud our judgments of people. Usually someone who we once spent a lot of time with that start hanging out with different people or becoming busy with other things is just trying what they want to do and we tend to assume this means that they had some sort of issue with us personally, and sometimes we take things to heart that have no proof behind it which can cause very unhealthy relationships. When we assume the worst of our friends then it seems like every action they do is towards bringing us down. Also it’s good to note that if we don’t like the people our friends start to hang out with, then maybe it means that they feel like they can relate more to the people you don’t very much like for whatever reason and they know that you don’t like those people so they don’t invite you to try and reduce problems. It is good to take all precautions when dealing with your friend’s relationships if you truly believe they were always your friends as much as you thought they were. There’s no question that what our friends do can affect our emotions and make us want to act brashly however there are a few ways that show respect to both you and your friends and get yourself the answers from your friends in the easiest way for both of you without causing an unnecessary problem because you were too quick to act or say something. A lot of times when you feel a strain in a friendship, the other friend feels it too and just as likely as it may be something that you did or said whether it was right or wrong that made them think that you didn’t want to hang out with them anymore, it could also be something they did which they think you wouldn’t want to hang out with them anymore. The first thing you should try to get the answers you seek from your friends is to see if they want to hang out. Just ask them as you last remember hanging out with them. If you ask the friends you like or used to like to hang out and they do then you can ask them yourself why you haven’t hung out but be polite and patient as it may be something that you feel is excusable but you just had no idea because you hadn’t spoken in so long. All people grow, all people change. We must accept that while we grow ourselves and move on when people we perceive as our good friends make us feel unwanted by their actions or words. A good test to see why your friends make you feel unwanted would be to just try to give your friends some space and give yourself space too. You can always be friends with more people so if your friends don’t feel the need to be your friend after having plenty of time away from you then it is time to move on as it will just cause emotional stress to try and fix a broken relationship that can’t be repaired because both people in the relationship must work towards being friends. If they want to hang out again then they were your true friends, and if not then you are best moving on and it’s easier to do that since you gave yourself the peace of mind that they just moved on as well. Giving people the benefit of the doubt doesn’t just benefit them, as it can ease our minds that worry about something we may or may not have done to sour a relationship. I suggest just directly talking to those friends to find out what the problem is if there is one, and working on it to become as good of friends again. However, if they are not responding or are being mean, I would recommend giving space as that may not be the end of that relationship but something might have temporarily ruined it. If you give space and find yourself still worrying about them, and they are showing no signs of interest in you, then it is best to move on, find out what you are interested in and make new friends that share similar interests as you or lifestyle choices. If you keep assuming the worst out of your friends then they aren’t even friends anymore as you will always view them negatively. You will not be able to find out the reasons the relationship failed unless you find out from them, how you do that is up to you but I bet you it is a lot different than you are thinking. I believe you could save these relationships if you just give them the benefit of the doubt and start over because little things that are fixable can make big problems in relationships.Here is an article you would benefit from reading, as the author seems to have a very similar problem to you and they come up with 10 good steps on how to make new friends outside of school. The #1 step with making new friends is becoming a good friend yourself. http://voices.yahoo.com/ten-great-ways-friends-as-adult-without-1621557.html?cat=41... Here is another article that might better explain your friends position as the author explains a similar problem to you but he is fine with not being as close with old friends. http://voices.yahoo.com/moving-old-friendships-signal-growth-as-a-148000.html?cat=41
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female
reader, sugarcake1 +, writes (16 May 2013):
Sometimes, who you believe is a friend, really isn’t. Sometimes who you believe is your friend only thinks of you as an acquaintance. One has to know the signs on a true friend compared to just an acquaintance because sometime the person you consider as a friend might only see you as an acquaintance. Sometimes they may be sending you mix signals which makes you think you’re really good friends but they really are just hanging out with you because you are there. You have to really watch and see you really is your friend. This is a problem that I think you struggle with most. Not knowing who your friend is and who isn’t.A true friend is someone you can count on to laugh with you, cry with you and be there for you through good times and bad. A true friend is someone who is honest, trust worthy, a good listener, loyal, available and supportive. A true friend is someone who makes no excuses like having to work or their busy doing something and will be with you whenever you need them. A true friend will support you even if it hurts their own interest. A true friend will understand your motives and needs and will be with you without any questioning or criticizing you. A true friend will come forward to help without any invitation and be will be with you in need without showing it or expecting anything in return. A true friend will never ditch you even if their other friend tells you to or talk behind your back even if everyone else was doing it. A true friend will stick up for you and have your back no matter what the situation is. A true friend will sometimes put you first before anyone else even before themselves. They value and appreciate your friendship and know you like the back of their hand. They know when something is wrong even though you try to hide it. A true friend is someone who you can have fun with, someone who can make you forget all your troubles and make you feel like you’re on top of the world. They will never leave you no matter what not even when they get a girl/boyfriend or even new friends. I have been though what you’re going through a few times before. The best thing to do is decide if they really are your friends or if they were just acquaintances. You can try to make plans and attempt to hang out with them but if they ditch you then it shows that they really are not your true friends. You have to really sit down and think about how your friendship has been over the years you have known each other. Really look at how they have been to you, look at their actions and determine if they fit the qualities of a true friend. Really think about if this friendship is worth saving and if you should just let go and move on to better things because if these people were truly your friends they wouldn’t be treating you this way and ignoring you. If you continue being friends and making the same choices you will keep feeling down and sad. If you just let go I am sure you and your friends with be happy and feel like a weight has been lifted off their and your back. If you follow my advice and make different choices I am sure you will be a lot happier and have a better life. I am quite certain that if you move on you will friend more and better friends who you get along with and will never treat you bad. You will be much happier than you are now. I know it may be hard because you have known them for a few years but trust me it is for the best. You will be stress free, you don’t have to worry and wonder if you did anything wrong or why they are being like that. You will have a much happier life with your new friends and new life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): Throughout our lives, we come to face many challenges that push us to become stronger and better individuals. Although we all face a wide variety of emotional atrocities, no social obstacle is too atrocious or difficult to overcome. No one is perfect. Moreover, we all have our own inherent flaws. First, the essential realization must be met in your own conscience that no friend can ever fully meet your psychological needs. Parallel to that, only few friends last forever. Furthermore, in your case, peers have proven to cause more confusion and malicious feelings, rather than feeling regarded as valuable. In this situation there are many possibilities to go about this but for your wellbeing I would say you are better off making new friends. In your present situation you feel left out and ignored by your friends, they exclude you from events or conversations over the computer. It appears to me that there can be three causes to this problem. Firstly, your friends that you have known for a long time may be trying to create distance from you because they may feel that the friendship has drifted apart and may not want to address the problem directly with you. Secondly, they may not invite you to certain events because they may know that their friends there are not the type of people that you want to associate yourself with. Another possibility is your friends may have of invited you to a lot of events at first, but then stopped because you did not want to are feel uncomfortable so eventually they stopped asking you all together. The situation that you are currently in is unhealthy because of the way that your friends are treating you; you feel it is unfair and unfriendly. You deserve a friend that can be there for you and is not afraid to include you in fun activities. There comes a day when we are going to outgrow our friends, the sooner we come to terms with it the better. I believe that you are going through a personal growth and you are growing out of your friends, the best way to deal with this problem is by making new friends. This can be an unsettling process, in the article Outgrowing Your Friends by Henri he agrees saying, "It can get lonely while you're transitioning from one group to another"(Henri 1). Although lonely there are many ways to make new friends. Firstly, you need to surround yourself with now people, have the ability to make small talk; hopefully you will have something in common with them. Secondly, you can join an organization or club the shares your common interests. In the article How to Make Friends they say," You don't necessarily need to have a lot of common interests with people in order to make friends with them"(1). Evidently, the most rewarding and long lasting friendships are between two people who don't have much in common at all. Volunteering is also a great way to meet different people of all ages; by working together with them you build interpersonal bonds. Through the making of new friends you will be opened to the possibility of finding the right person to give you the attention and respect you need.Leaving old friends is not easy, especially if you have been friends with them for a long period of time. Here you have two options, you can try to work out the problem with your friends or, move on and start a brand new page in life by making new friends that treat you right. If you keep allowing your friends to leave you out of activities, and not doing anything about the situation you are in, you will find yourself friendless and having no one to hang out with; making this a difficult and unfair situation for you. Also, what is most likely to occur is you and your friends will keep drifting apart until they stop interacting with you completely. By letting go of your friends you are able to move on and meet new people that may be right for you; in doing so you will also be leading your friends to move on as well.
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female
reader, AlexHastie +, writes (16 May 2013):
One may feel like their friends don’t invite them to hang out because they believe their friends don’t truly like or care for them. This is not always true even though it seems like the more valid reasoning. In fact it could be something as simple as what activity their friends are getting into. It is common for people to not invite someone to an event because their friends know its something one would not enjoy doing. I believe that is your problem with your friends. One doesn’t have to be stuck with the same friends all the time, its okay to make new friends and do things with them instead. What is advised here is to figure out what you enjoy doing and find friends who enjoy doing these things too. Your problem can be simply changed because what seems to be the problem is the fact that you feel your friends are not enjoying your company, but I’m sure that when you and your friends are together you have a lot of fun. Sometimes people over think simple situations that have simple solutions because they’re too afraid to either ask or just move on. I feel that is what’s going on here, you’re thinking but not acting. I know it’s scary to think you’re losing your friends but honestly we all make and lose friends throughout life. Staying at home examining a situation won’t help you because you may be completely off the truth. Also always being at home or alone won’t help you make new friends and meet new people, especially if you can’t move on from your current friends. Another problem you pointed out was the fact that your friends are associated with people who you believe are all about drama. You may want to think about whether you want to be associated with that type of people. The people you spend your time with is how others judge you before they know you and being known with people who are drama isn’t helpful to your happiness. What you need to do is figure out what hobbies you really enjoy doing and find friends who enjoy doing these same hobbies, like I said before, simple. There are many ways to find out what you enjoy in life. You could use the trial and error method. Try a hobby and if it’s worth your time, keep it. Once you find a hobby you enjoy then find friends who are just as passionate as you are. Bonding over a hobby is the best way to find true friends because you already know for a fact that you two will always have something to do when time is slow. Always choose a hobby before finding new friends. This is because you may find friends who you believe are cool and interesting, but once you show your talent they may walk away. There are easy ways to find out what you’re interested in, such as website surveys. Here is a website that you could try as a start http://www.youthink.com/quiz.cfm?obj_id=85683 and if your results aren’t what you believe is right keep trying. Never give up easily! A lot of people’s problems when it comes to finding something new is that they give up too fast. It will take some time to find out what your true talent is, so give it the time it needs.Finding your own interests will bring friends who will be more interested in you, and will give you their time. If you try this solution not only will you find better friends but you as a person will also be much more happier with yourself. Hobbies are good for when everyone else has left; you still have something to keep you going, a hobby is a friend. This should help you become happier with life and not worry about friends distancing themselves from you. If you carry on worrying about your friends “hating you” or the fact that you believe they’re distancing themselves from you, it will hurt you more than them. You should be your number one worry not anyone else. Keep yourself happy and occupied.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): I myself had at least 12 close girlfriends through high school. By the time I got to under grad they had dropped to six close friends. By the time I graduated from grad school I had two close girlfriends of which I still am close with today. I found I had to reach out and start new friendships and it was a lot of work. I have now eight new girlfriends some from grad school and now some from where I work. Yes it sucks but you have to take the bull by the horns and take steps to reach out to more people. I am sure it will work out for you in the end.
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female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (3 May 2013):
I'm sorry to hear this. As someone who's going through friendship problems too, I do sympathise with you. If you have not fallen out/had a fight with your friends, then it's safe to say it's nothing you've done or them. Sounds like they have their own lives and an expanding social circle away from you. This is not a bad thing at all but you're feeling left out and shut out which isn't nice. To be honest I doubt your friends are doing this deliberately. Friends grow apart and away from each other. It's sad when this happens but it's common. Try expanding your own social circle e.g make new friends and develop interests which don't require friends e.g reading, writing, painting etc whatever you enjoy really. There's no reason why you shouldn't have fun on your own. At least when you do see your friends you can say to them ''guess what I've been doing'' or ''i went to an art exhibition over the weekend'' Make it seem as if you've got a full life and soon you will and you'll really enjoy it. If your friends are hanging out with negative people who bring drama with them, you're right to want to stay away. I would but don't look like a party pooper or shut your friends out. Make polite excuses if they want to to hang out with them and their drama loving friends, as to why you can't hang out. If you have hobbies and plans for fun away from your friends, this'll help. Simply saying to them ''sorry I can't hang out I have plans to attend a gym class'' whatever takes your fancy.Don't be disheartened. Like I said friends do grow apart as it happens in life. But there's no reason why you can't carry on by yourself and have fun plus acquire new friends along the way.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2013):
 It can be hard in a larger group of friends to keep them all together all the time. Do YOU ever arrange for an outing? Make the plans to see a movie, have a picnic, party, hangout, cook out? Or are you one that expects others to let you know when stuff is going on?
If you are from the latter group, maybe it's time YOU arrange for things to do.
They might not ask you because they aren't sure how interested you really are.
Is there any ONE of these people that you seem to get along better with then the rest? Then maybe start by hanging out more with him/her or.. find a new person to get to know.
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