A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Which One Do I Choose??!!Me and my curent boyfriend have been dating off and on for 7 years, we've broken up and gotten back together 13 times now and every time its the same reason; we weren't ready or old enough for the very sereous relationship that we always end up in. So now of course we're breaking it off again with intent to get back together in the future. I know he loves me and I care about him deaply but he doesnt seem to fully trust me(though from our past its no wonder why). And I'm not really sure if we're truely meant to be together, aren't you suposed to know when you've found "the one". Now here's the twist; now that our relationship is coming to an end a very good friend of mine confessed that he's been in love with me for years, I already knew this of course but we just never really talked about it or got the chance to explore it. Part of me thinks he kinda deserves that chance but I'm find it hard to feel sexually attracted to him for some reason. And there's another twist; an ex of mine who I know without a doubt that I deaply loved and was my longest relationship ever also confessed that he's still in love with me too!!! I dont know what to do!!! They're all great guys and I can see that with any of them that it would be long term relationships, and I cant just string them along, I'd never be happy with any of them if I knew I was thinking of seeing the others too, it would destroy the relationship. My curent boyfriend is the most honest and has always done what ever it takes to make sure I'm taken care of and has always been there for me but he's just waiting for it to crash every time and his idea of romance doesnt go much further than about 6 months into the relationship especially when it comes to the little things like taking care of me when I'm sick or in a bad mood. The ex was the one that I got the tingles with as soon as I saw him and was instantly head over heels for him, the only reason we broke up was because we were young and stupid and full of drama which caused trust problems. Could he have changed? Can I trust him now? Is it worth trying again?(And just as a side note, not sure if it matters or not, this ex was also the only one that's ever been able to get me to have an orgasm. I don't know if it's just the angle it takes to hit it or what, but it's really hard for me to have one for some reason.) And the guy friend I've never been with before but he's very smart and spiritual and we really click on many diferent levels but I fear that some of his odder traits might get in the way. And all of them sound like a broken record: "I love you because you're so creative and wonderful and beautiful and you deserve only the best, and you should always fallow your heart, and I'll aways suport your happiness even if its not with me". But I'm not good with relationships and feelings! I dont know what my heart says!! Help me please, I'm so confused!!!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 No rush.Relax and keep doing what you are alreday doing, i.e, living the best life you can, you cannnot ever go wrong with that:). You don't have to stop communicating with them or exclude them from your circle of friends, you just have to stubbbornly refuse to be roped in in anything too romantic or relationship or that anyhow feels too much to handle for you right now.
Funny, btw, how all females feel terrible when they are told they are loved and can't reciprocate with the same ardour- they feel awful as if it were their fault and they were doing something mean . You won't find any guy reaxting the same way :)
Also, it is sure very flattering to be courted this way and feel wanted and appreciated, -and both guys may even be sincere, but still you have to take these love declarations with a pinch of salt. there's also a lot of ego in that,- guess what, the moment you are out of reach, neraly unavailable, - you become all of a sudden so precious. Ego ego ego ! Spolied kids always want the toy that they can't have :)
That's speciallly true, I think, for the break up- make up guy. If it was all about love, well, he would not have broken up, or let you beak up- Love is something you show by actions, not just by words !
As fot the other guy, ...deep down you aren't too sure about him, either. No problem. You are only 21 ! Why is your "nesting " instinct so strong ?? You can let go of any choice u are not fully convinced. This will surely help you live " the best life you can "
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question(Update.) So i took the job in another state doing graphic design work. both the resent boyfriend and the long time ex talk to and text me on a daily basis with nothing but respect and sweet words. they are both entirely convinced that i'm the only girl for them and that we're meant to be together no matter how long they have to wait, which leaves me feeling pretty akward and idiotic. of course as soon i moved and broke it off with the resent one, he's started to realize how much he misses me and wants me back and swears that next time we're together that he'll treat me better, but why couldn't he have realized that all the other times we've been together and broken up, you'd think that after so many times it would just be a given to try to treat me right when he's got me. what's strange is that neither of them are aware of each other, so they dont know that there's any competition, yet they're still trying so hard to prove that they love me, they've both gone as far as to say that they dont even want to have sex with or date anyone else (although flatering, i somehow find this statement imature of them to say). both of them have already offered to fly me to them or fly up to me for a weekend and i've only been up here for 3 days! so i've just told them that i need time to get settled with where i'm living and with work. as far as the friend goes; i haven't heard from him yet, but it's pretty normal for us to lose contact for a few months here and there so i'm not really worried about it, plus i really dont want to encourage another one to fall for me too! i dont understand why these guys are so into me, it's completely unprevoked too, i talk to them no diferently than i talk to my mom or a co-worker or teacher. i'm pretty open, but only about certain things like art, books, music, etc, nothing really personal (tho they do know a lot of really personal things about me since i've dated both of them before). whenever either of them start talking about relationship stuff or about wanting to be with me i mostly just clam up and not say anything specific. And they remember everything!! even the stupid little things that i dont even remember anything about; places we've been, things we talked about, things i do or dont like, everything! how can they remember all of that? half the time i dont even remember my own birthday till one of them does something totally out of the blue sweet. lol. but i still wonder how sencere their "love" actually is, mostly just because of how aware i am that we are still young and a lot can change in the next years (we'll all be turning 21 this year; yeah, it's gonna be an interesting one. lol.) but at the same time i dont want the probablity of change to hinder me from living life the best i can, after all change is enevitable, fearing it isn't going to do anyone any good, right? i really dont want to just stop comunication with them either because they're both really great guys and wonderful friends to me and i dont want to ruin that. i just wish they both wern't so in love with me, it makes me feel so terrible that i'm hesitating to show it in return, but i'd feel just as bad, if not worse, if i showed it to both of them, i just cant do that, i'm not a cheater and i'm a terrible liar on top of it, so it'd never work anyways. lol. which means that i'm gong to have to let one or both of them down easily, but i'm not any good at that either and i know it would destroy them, so i wouldn't even know where to start. any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery true. And thank you for being honest and helpful. It's really nice to have oustide opinions to shed some light on the situation. (:
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 January 2011):
Proceed with caution :). With this guy you had pre-existing trust issues and drama issues, now there is also a drug use issues. Ok, everybody can make mistakes then pick themselves up and change their course - but drug users and ex- drug users become very adept to lie and manipulate reality, so if I were you before getting involved with him again I would need more solid evidence than his skin colour.
Anyway, personally I still like better your idea of moving for a while and focusing on yourself and your job. You are young, what's your rush to be in a relationship. If no guy really fits your bill , you can afford to give it a miss and be alone for a while. You'll still feel less alone than being with the wrong person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, i understand what your saying. but a lot of those guys i was very sexually attracted to and didn't want to keep my hands off of them, and i did trust them and feel very comfortable with them in every way, its that when it came down to it they just could never seem to hit the right spot or something no matter their size or shape. and with him the tingles i was refering to weren't really even ones of sexuality, it was more like this deep rooted feeling that i needed him in my life, to know him, to be around him, hear his voice, make him smile, things like that. it was very intense and i've never felt that any other time. it just seems like a strange coincidence that i'm not quite sure i should pay any attention to. and your absolutely right, sex is not the most important part of a relationship, but its just that conicidence thing again, he was also my longest relationship too, and we really had a good time together and that never really faded like it has every other time. i was with him for 3 years, my longest relationship besides that, no matter how serious, has only lasted 1 year and 2 months. yet i find myself very hesitant to go out with him again, after we broke up he had kind of a bad streak and had some run-ins with some drugs, when i saw him during that time just in passing it was obvious, his skin was pale and sunken in, his eyes were glazed and dialated and everything. but he said he got out of it and addmits that it was worst mistake of his life. he has a full time job now making good money, his own appartment and is doing very well, his face has color again and his eyes full of energy and kindness and he seems to have completely mellowed out. so why am i still so wary?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 January 2011):
Ah my dear,I wish I had THAT figured out, LOL . I could write a self help book- "7 steps to instant orgasm " and make millions.
Funny,no ? , how at times you think you are attracted to the guy, and you want to be attracted and you both want everything to work- yet it does not. I think the body has ..a mind of his own, some sort of elusive, subsconscious deep -seated wisdom or knowledge that does not follows the rules of reason or even aesthethics ; when it recognizes your sexual half-apple...it just does.
Just to throw around a couple of guesses, maybe you just need someone who makes you feel " the tingles " to be sexually satisfied. Someone with whom there is a massive ,out of the ordinary mutual chemistry. I am not accusing you of promiscuity, but I feel that , since you are obviously relationship-oriented and it does not seem you are comfortable being single, some times maybe you have accepted,just not to be alone, guys that were OK or cute or good looking,nothing wrong with them, but not sexually mesmerizing for you. Wait for the tingles,instead :)
And / or, maybe you felt particularly comfortable with that guy . Good sex is mostly about feeling relaxed and free to be yourself- it's about trust.( I don't mean trust like trust he's not gonna ever leave you or cheat on you- in fact you had trust issues precisely with this guy.) I mean just trust that he likes and accepts your body and sexual style, that he is not gonna find you ridiculous or
excessive or gross or disappointing, that you can just let yourself go and it will be fine...
Anyway , please remember that good orgasms and good relationships are not the very same thing. Sex is very important, but it's not all life is about. So, if you are tempted to go back to 3rd guy only because of the sexual sparks, remember they won't be enough to make a wrong relationship become right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrue. I guess i was just being overly sensitive and nice there. you cant really make everyone happy, usually it just ends up in all of them being hurt. lol. what do you think about the orgasm thing tho? its it strange he (the ex) was the only one thats ever been able to give me one? i mean i've been with others guys before, i think my grand total right now of guys i've had sex with is 8 or so but none of them have ever been able to do it either, even with comunication, directions, endless fore-play, extra help from vibration rings and stuff, and trying for hours. that's of course with the ones that i actual felt comfortable enough with to not feel like i needed to just fake it and get it over with. i just dont know what to make of it.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 January 2011):
You are taking a break for your happiness, your job and your future. If these guys care about you they will understand and will not be hurt . Anyway, you can't date people just to be nice and spare them a disappointment ,can you ?....
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Thank you, that was a very good answer! (: Yeah that's what I'm pretty much planing to do, i'm moveing out of state for a while for my job so i figured that maybe if i just come back and vist them as friends during the year i'll be gone and if i have a clue by the time i get back then i'll just take it slow with that one and see what happens. I know what i want in a relationship and i know what i'm willing give thru experience from liveing with resent boyfriends, now i'm just trying to find someone who will fit it. i know there's still things i have to do on my own which is why i'm moving and planning to stay alone while i'm gone and do exacty what you had said. i just dont really know how to leave the situation without hurting anyone. ya know?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): I have been married for 27 years and have 7 beautiful children. I have known he was the one for me for about 3 months now.
;-)
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 January 2011):
If you broke up 13 times, and you never lasted more than 6 months together, we can safely assume he is not "the one " for you. I don't know if when you meet "the one " you feel it right away, ...but I am positive that a 7 years constant off/on is surely not a match made in Heaven. Even if it must provide a lot of drama and excitement.
As for the guy friend- let him be. Intellectual compatibility never quite makes up for total lack of physical attraction.
Your best bet would seem apparently to be the 3rd guy, the ex who gave you the tingles. Apparently; because I am not too sure how it would go. You say you only broke up because you were too young and full of drama, but.. have things changed since then ? No offence, but you are still young and full of drama- and as for "stupid" it's a derogatory term that I would not use , but from your post in general it sounds that you are still very confused and a bit immature about relationships .
A suggestion for you : why don't you take a break from dating and relationship ?. If you are not totally sure and convinced about the choices you are given, the best choice is ,none of them. Dating is not mandatory, you could take this time to be alone with yourself , and work on yourself, and find out why your relationships have been so volatile so far, what do you really want and expect from a mate, what are you willing to give etc. etc. So that you can understand what your relationship goals are and what you can realistically do to make them happen.
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