A
female
age
36-40,
deirdre
writes:i decided to write this article in view of the amount of people that I know/know of who are in unuqual relationships, that is in particular women who are in unequal relationships. Im not sating that it doesnt happen to men, of course, but often it is the man who is domineering in an unequal relationship. I hope that by reading this, that somebody is affected enough to get out of a controlling relationship, or perhaps that they alert someone that they know in this unfortunate situation, to do so.I was in a relationship before where my ex boyfriend tried to control what I did. we were not living together or anything but through phonecalls and texts, as well as when we met up, he used to bully and criticise me. it was ususally over my clothes, or my choice in friends, or if I initiated a conversation about something which interested me. the negative commments were usually much the same, such as "dont you think that you're a bit heavy to wear something like that?" or "you look like a sl***er in that". or in the case of my friends he used to accuse them of trying to split us up, which completely untrue. I was not allowed go on a night with my friends unless he came, because apparently other men would be looking at me and I might "find someone else". when I did go out without telling my ex boyfriend he used to find out about it one way or another and give me hell about it. on the other hand, he used to text other girls then lie about it to the extent that I was made out to be a liar, stupidly I believed it because I wanted to.I was (and still am!) young at the time, and it was only after we split up that I realised the extent to which he controlled me. I also realised by reading articles on the subject, that this is a typical pattern that controlling boy/girl friends? partners follow. what surprised me more was how many relationships are like this, and the damaging effect that such an experience has on a person. there are people who put up with this kind of situation for years, and I cannot imagine how they get their life back afterwards as I was only with my ex for a few months.I also found that after we broke up that I had no confidence and very low self esteem. I had been very sure of myself before I met my ex boyfriend, but I found that the relationship had made me distrustful of people and feeling inferior. I am not trying to get sympathy from people here, but I feel that this sopic needs to be discussed/thought about as it does happen more oftne than people think and any person can and up with a manipulative partner, the hard part is realising that such a relationship will never work no matter how you try. controlling people do not love their partners, their actions just apiral out of a desire to be in charge. and as for me? I took my time before meeting anyone else, and although I am very happy with my current boyfriend the old doubts come back sometimes. I wonder will eh leave me for someone better than me, or if he will find aomeone better looking, but I try to push such thoughts out and be more realistic about things.I know this article was long, but thanks for taking the time to read it, any comments would be welcome and I hope I have helped someone by writing this. ('',)
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broke up, confidence, liar, my ex, self esteem, split up, text Reply to this Article
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female
reader, deirdre +, writes (10 April 2009):
deirdre is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for commenting on my article, believe me you are better off without him. people like that strip you of your confidence by manipulation you & saying things like ''you wont get another guy'' thats what makes their partners so attached to them, theythink that they cant cope without them. but people like us are proof that it is totally untrue.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): Deirdre,I was also in the same boat couple of months back. The relationship went on for 3 and a half years. Only now do I realise that he controlled me so much. But he ditched me and went for an arranged marriage. So you are right, these are men who want to be in charge. But the problem is that you get very attached to such men and usually they leave you with nothing but a broken heart!!Thank you for your article!!
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