A
male
age
41-50,
*uggs
writes:I was married for 12 years when I found out that my wife had been having an affair for 3 years. After about 8 months of trying to work at staying together for our at the time 8 year old twin boys I finally realized I couldn't be with her anymore.Since then I have been remarried but I just don't seem to have the same ability to love as deeply or unconditionally as I once did. I find myself very critical of women in general, I find them very lazy and selfish. I don't want to treat my new wife this way but I just can't seem get over this.
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (27 July 2011):
 don't let you experiences make you a woman-hater. yes there are some terrible women in the world but there are also some terrible men. are YOU a terrible man? no? so that proves that not all men are terrible doesn't it? the same rule applies for womenx
A
male
reader, nuggs +, writes (27 July 2011):
nuggs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was watching a documentary on affairs the other night and the documentary show cased a Pastor and his wife who had made it through an affair and the wife having a baby from that affair. It was interesting to me how much the documentary focused on what needs where not being meet for the wife to have done this. Even the marriage councilor focused heavily on what was "missing in the relationship" to have caused her to do this. Of course the wife bought right into this, the pressure of being a pastors wife was just too much for her to handle! Never once did they talk about the husbands needs or pressures.We live in a society where women are quickly catching up to men in the area of infidelity, I hate infidelity rather it is the husband or wife however in my experience men do not cheat and then sit in a councilors office pointing at the wife for what she was doing wrong to cause the infidelity. We cater to women in every aspect of our society and I for one am sick to death of it! They have become self-serving hateful humans and we need to turn the clock back quickly!For you women out there that say you're not all like this, yes you are you just don't want to own up to it! I have yet to meet a women that says she would rather work for a women than a man. Why is that you think?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): Ooooopps I forgot to identify myself."...Honestly. I will agree that there are lots of bitches out there who will destroy a man and not think anything about it...."
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): a lot of women are very selfish (so are a lot of men). I've seen many of my guy friends get trapped by selfish women who just wanted to achieve their goals of having the status of marriage and a family, and whichever guy was with them at the time is the one who got guilted, suckered, or lied to in order to trap him into playing the part to fulfill her dreams. your ex wife could have been one of those women. but not all women are like that.you're now remarried. Try to see your new wife as her own person, she has nothing to do with your ex wife. whatever your ex wife did, your new wife is NOT HER. unfortunately since your ex wife and you have children together, you can't cut her out of your life completely as is the healthiest thing to do emotionally to bring about healing. Unfortunately you have to keep being in contact with her, because of your kids. So it's very hard to move on. But please try to do it anyway. Many people do manage to do it. don't let your baggage from your first marriage infect/affect your second marriage or you could lose perfectly good woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): Honestly. I will agree that there are lots of bitches out there who will destroy a man and not think anything about it. However I firmly believe that there are an equal number of women who are decent, loyal, faithful and just good human beings.OP you had a raw deal with wife 1 but now you have a second chance and don't blow it. I think your exs betrayal is still raw and u have not dealth with it properly. So mourn, cry even but then gather yourself and look at your blessings. Your new wife deserves a whole you, a complete you.An old saying: the best revenge is a living a good life. So slowly makes the changes and enjoy your new blessings.One evil woman should not take away your happiness. You deserve this and I think some self help books or just good motivational messages will help you.Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): Not all women are as you describe, but it's normal to feel that way. How long were you single before you moved on with your current wife?I understand your dilemma from a female perspective. My dad cheated on my mom for years, and I knew about it but couldn't say anything because no one believes the kid. I'm happy they divorced, but I can't trust men at all as a result. It's silly, really. All of my friends are guys, but I'm paralyzed when it comes to intimacy. I want to fall in love and get married and maybe even have kids if he wants them, but I just keep thinking if I marry someone, he'll leave me or cheat on me or lie to me.And the craziest part is that I know I'm smart enough to choose to be with a man who will NOT make the mistakes my father did. And I also know I'm not going to make the mistakes my mom did, because let's face it - marriage is a two way street, and even if the wronged party never cheated or lied, there's probably something totally innocent they did to help push the other party away.For me, the solution is to find a good man. And I know when I really find a guy I love all of the insecurity will seem like a waste of my time.For you, I think you should take a mental and emotional step back and ask yourself if your current wife is the woman you want to grow old with, or if she's the rebound. If you want to grow old with her, figure out if you're willing to put work into the relationship. And if you are, you should tell her what you said here: Let he know that you DON'T want to treat her this way, that you WANT to give her what she deserves, and that you're willing to work to get there. She may suggest counseling for you or the two of you as a couple, and that's okay. It means she cares enough about you and the marriage to work with you. If she wants to work with you without a third party, again: she cares enough about you and the marriage to work with you.So don't sell yourselves short. And remember: you can't label an entire gender. If I did, then you'd be one of those men who are lazy, lying cheaters. And that would be a clearly wrong assessment.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): You sound like a friend of mine. He got cheated on and left by his wife and he ended up pretty bitter towards women. He has never been able to respect women again. I wish I could say it was just a bad experience with one or two women that he never got over. But the truth is he respected women less and less the better he grew to understand them. Now he knows how to deal with women and date them successfully, but he has a very low opinion of them in general. He didn't turn into one of those player type a****le or anything. He still treats women respectfully and honestly. But he doesn't really like most women very much anymore.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (21 May 2011):
so sorry to hear that you had to go through that. It's very understandable that you've been deeply scarred emotionally and psychologically by your wife's betrayal and thus you instinctively "protect" yourself by not letting your guard down fully, ever... as a result, you can't feel vulnerable to someone else, and when you don't feel vulnerable you can't develop true intimacy.....
Is it possible that you rushed prematurely into your second marriage and thus dont' have a strong foundation with your new wife? or, why would you get married if you couldn't love as deeply as you once did and presumably want to be able to?
Getting counseling is a good idea, because you have wounds that are still very fresh and not healed, and which are interfering with your ability to live fully the way you want.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 May 2011):
 I am sorry that you had to experience your wife's affair. That must've been tough.
In short, not all women are selfish and lazy. Some are, but most aren't.
Everyone has their character defects -- and no one is perfect. I think a bit of humility on your part would help you see that (I don't mean that in a mean way or to sound condescending). Just keep in mind we all have our faults, some have more than others.
It sort of sounds like you jumped into this marriage without really getting over your previous marriage. Perhaps there is a certain level of forgiveness that you had to experience and since you haven't, you are holding that resentment against women in general, including your current wife. It also sounds like you have trust issues that are preventing you from loving your wife because you suspect sometime down the road she is going to cheat on you and you will be hurt again. So therefore you are protecting yourself from being hurt by "not loving deeply" Also there is such a thing as "self-fulfilling prophecies". Since you can't get close to your wife, she'll feel lonely and will potentially seek other companions. Hence, your nightmare will return.
To get over this inner turmoil, you really need to let go of the past and love the woman you are with now. Realizing this mental pattern is half the battle, in my opinion. The leg work is getting over it and working on trust, communication and being close to your wife. It isn't going to happen overnight, but in time, it will get better.
I'd urge you to seek counseling, if you haven't done so already -- for yourself. Get over the grieving / resentment process and love your current wife to the best of your ability. If there is something she is doing that is troubling, identify it and talk about it. Otherwise you are not only cheating yourself of a fulfilling relationship, but your wife as well.
Good luck.
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