A
female
age
51-59,
*lskitten
writes:Having read some of the posts on here, I am curious about something.IF you are happily single and open to meeting someone for a long term relationship at some point, Do you have a check list of things you look for in a guy/girl? Have you got a type?Do you know what you're looking for? Or do you think we pin too many lists up. Basically too fussy. Do you think we should all chill more as a friend of mine says and not be worrying if someone we meet and shows an interest is in the pub all the time or clubbing every weekend at 40+? Are people too hung up on knowing what they want and not being flexible enough?What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): Dear hlskitten
I am going to give you my opinion from personal experience as well as my experience in counseling with others. If you need anymore info or if anything is not clear you are welcome to contact me by private message. I hope that what I am about to share with you will help and or give some insight.
I personally believe there are certain important factors to take in consideration, to keep in mind when looking at long term relationships.
I do not believe there is any hard and fast rules, but I do believe that certain guidelines can help and assist to make the right choices and to avoid wasting time on a relationship with a non compatible person.
I think it is important to be SOCIALLY ACTIVE in order to meet people; HOWEVER I do believe that if and when you know yourself and KNOW, WHAT CRITERIA you are looking for in a relationship and in a partner, it is easier to IDENTIFY and ATTRACT Mr Right
I do not believe a person needs a partner in order to be whole or complete HOWEVER, having a partner in your life is something that can be good, (if you find the right one); it is healthy to want a partner, but not something you need or must have.
Finding the "right" partner can be an interesting and exciting "game"; when you use your skills, abilities, plans and strategies to make it happen; when you are mastering the art of relating; How exciting, how much fun to know, you might meet that person that you will want to spend the rest of your life with, any day any time; it might be at the the next business meeting or social event you attend.
HOWEVER
I always suggest a person must have a VISION of what they want to ATTRACT; then you can attract him like a MAGNET and will be able to RECOGNIZE him; If you are not sure of what YOU WANT, how will you attract the "right" person or RECOGNIZE him?
I believe, it is very important that you have to KNOW YOURSELF,and be yourself in the "social arena". No pretending or trying to be all things to all people; no more guessing what some man wants and struggling to keep him happy or to fit his "perfect" match; just BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.
The difference between winners and losers is winners do things; losers don't want to do. Act like a winner! (If you go into the dating arena, with no or little experience, no training, no insight, no plan, no strategy, you are like a car with out a steering wheel; No, you cannot just hope "Mr Right" will turn up in front of you!
You have to make things happen; expose yourself to potential partners but it is important not to waste time on the wrong partners; it is always good to know what makes a man tick; what is his wants and what it's going to take for him to recognize the value in you. Where and how to find the potential partners and not wasting time on non compatible partners, in my opinion, is very important too; there are so many places and ways but it varies on the kind of person and interests etc.Go to places you enjoy and expand your pool of potentials; don't stick to one dating arena; A secret: HAVE FUN; (that often attracts men);
As we all believe we learn from our experiences; I suggest,it is important using the mistakes from the past to create a loving and happy future; to do so, I suggest, make a list of your previous relationships, make notes of previous partners, what went wrong in the relationships and why; make notes of the problems and also of the positive and NEGATIVE qualities of each of the previous partners; when finished see if there is certain problems or qualities that seem to repeat themselves;
Ask yourself the following questions:
Are there patterns in my relationships that I need to be aware of?
Is there a trend in my relationships? Getting beter or getting worse?
Were some partners easier to list negative qualities then others or were they very much alike?
To avoid attracting (unconsciously) the wrong person, you need to establish your EMOTIONAL WANTS and NEEDS; and resolve any Emotional ISSUES from the past,this is important to avoid "attracting"partners that will hurt you.
It is very important to make sure you do not fall in love for the wrong reasons and to not go into a relationship for the wrong reasons.
Such as:
Loneliness; sexual hunger; to fill emotional or spiritual emptiness; pressure from friends/family and and and.
There are certain types of relationships that will not work;
such as:
You care more for your partner than he does about you; or he cares more about you than you do about him
you are in love with your partners potential;
you are infatuated for external reasons;
you have partial compatibility;
your partner is "unavailable";
You are on a rescue mission;
None of us are perfect, but some characteristics/flaws are can be very dangerous and destructive to relationships;
WATCH OUT FOR, and pay close attention to Problem areas such as:
Addictions; Anger; Victim consciousness; control freak; sexual dysfunction; emotionally unavailable; hasn't recover from past relationships(baggage); deep rooted emotional damage from childhood;
I believe to try and avoid from getting hurt it is important to make sure you are ready for love and for a relationship.
I always suggest a COMPATIBILITY test before getting too involved in a relationship;
To mention a few:
Family background; past love relationships; attitudes towards love and commitment; sexual attitudes and preferences; spiritual/religious practices; ethics; morals/values; personal and professional goals; financial habits; attitudes or history with addictions; food/exercise and health;
VERY IMPORTANT: We resonate with (or are turned on) by people whose "vibration"(of energy) is similar to ourselves; the four important vibrations to keep in mind and that are very important for compatibility in a long term relationship: Physical vibration; mental vibration; emotional vibration and spiritual vibration.
I can go on and on on this subject but I suppose you might be tired of all the reading by now. I closing, I must admit that I believe to be "fussy" or selective is not necessary "bad"; in fact: I believe if we know what we want, we don't have to settle for less, as long as we are realistic with our expectations.
Hope this have been of some assistance.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): Oh, to answer your first question. Yes, I think that a lot of people are too fussy. They want perfection in a partner and are upset about the relatively small things. Women post to the board and say that they have the perfect guy except that he watches pron. Men come on and say that they have the perfect woman but that she was promiscuous before she started dating him. I can agree that these things hurt, but you/we have to work on them. My first question was about my wife's past promiscuity, but I realized what I had and I worked very hard to accept it. So many of the men who ask leave her because she screwed 10 guys in the past and so many women leave their boyfriend because he watches some porn. I'm not talking about the porn addict or the woman who is still promiscuous and cheats. They deserve to be left. I just see too many people here and probably in the rest of the world who want too much perfection and can't separate the important traits from the less important ones.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): Neither my wife nor I ever had a list of what a permanent partner should be like. We both knew that no one is perfect and that it is a futile task to look for the perfect person. There are things that are important and other things that we can live with or work around.
There are certain things that were very important for us and that we would not be without. For instance, she would drop a guy who hit her in a second. She wouldn't want a guy who didn't show affection. She might date him until something better came along, but would not consider him for a permanent partner. Neither of us would have wanted to be with a habitual smoker or an alcoholic.
There are other things that we could live with and help to change. I decided to live with her past promiscuity. She decided to live with my occasional temper because I was calm, funny and loving the vast majority of the time. My temper was rarely against her, but more likely against me for doing something stupid or against the idiot driver who just cut me off.
WE never had a list of these things. We thought about them when they came up and then decided if we could live with the faults. There were no preconditions except for the extreme things, like abuse, or the things that would be a daily problem, like a habitual smoker for us who never smoked. We both grew up with mothers who never smoked or drank and fathers who both smoked and drank and wouldn't want to live with that for the rest of our lives. OK, we both get squiffy at times, but that is like once a month to have a good time alone that night.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (4 September 2008):
hlskitten is verified as being by the original poster of the question I'm similar to you 'ask oldersister'
My children are 13 and 11 now and ive also decided i am going to wait a while and stay celebate, because i also dont fancy someone the first time i meet them, that comes in time after getting to know them, so i am happy to stay celebate for a while. I dont miss sex funnily enough (maybe thats abnormal i dont know!) but its fine by me. I have male friends and met a 29 yr old a few months ago in the pub i go in weekends, and he understands i dont want to get into anything with him, and is cool about that. I spent 9 yrs with a very good man and had 2 children with him, but unfortunately fell out of love with him 7 yrs ago. Since then, i have dated VERY different men, and do feel i know what 'kind' of guy i will go for in the future now. And now i have done my living (i had only been with 2 people by the time i was 29) i feel the guy i spent 9 yrs with had the personality i like, if only i had lived before i met him lol This is the bit that people cant get their head round it seems. I dont have a massive list, but i guess it sounds bad if i say i wouldn't see me with a white van man that spends every evening in the pub and usully dates age 20 something women when they're not at a footie match.
But because i have dated so many different personality guys, shouldn't i know a bit more about the kind of personality i would go for?
Money has never been an issue, and never featured in any relationships anyway. I dont mind paying my share, but thats another thing i cant afford at the moment. Dating can be expensive!
C xxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): Early on we don't know awfully well what to expect and what to demand, but experience brings along more exigency; because if he haven't identified our preferences very clearly initially, then we can extract them from practicle situations. Then we can realise whether a certain issue bothers us or not, we realise which are crying needs and which are compromisable."In the pub all the time" would create for me a big credibility gap. But some relationships are more unconventional than others. The important aspect is that we realise that the paper traits can't transpose impeccably in a partner. We have to be reasonable and recognise a good percentage. Nit-picking is no good advisor as small, usually trivial details can distract our attention from the whole, whereas extreme tolerance can also be speculated in our disfavour by a well versed partner. Thus I think we can be somewhat prejudiced in an initial stage when the illusion is "more real" than the man, where balance is necessary. All the best!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 September 2008):
If asked to make a list of things the man I would marry must have, I would say:
6ft. (I'm 5'9'') A degree (I like intelligent men) and someone who can be with me and not long distance (been there done it, not interested)
Then I met Stu, who is 5'10'', left school at 17 to join the army, and is still in the army which means he's away nearly ALL the time.
It's our second wedding anniversary in November.
I am blissfully happy with him.
I believe that you meet someone who may not be anything like the man you think you want but when you meet your soulmate, you will just work through all the niggles because you're perfect together.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Harlequin +, writes (4 September 2008):
I don't think being too fussy is a bad thing if its to do with someone we want a long term commitment with but most of the time when you meet this person this won't be an issue because you'll like everything about them including their lifestyle and as long as it's mutual and both parteners are happy then all is good. Anything other then i think if somethings worth giving a go then why not?? I'm happily single and open to meeting someone for a long term relationship but i think lifes too short to have this picture of mr/mrs perfect or be worrying about if a relationships going to work out, if you have feelings for someone then why waste them on the regret you'll feel later because you didn't pursue them to the person in the first place? It's easier to be open minded and try new experiences, we're all human at the end of the day and as long as the circumstances are not all too complicated then anythings worth a shot.
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