A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend and i just recently had a discussion about where we were standing in our relationship. she told me that for a reason she can't really explain she sees me as more of a friend than as a boyfriend, more so than she has in previous months. it seems to me that this month she has had this feeling. we had a very calm easy talk about this and she told me that she was considering to break it off rather than string me along and see what happens. i told her that if she thinks its a good idea then so be it. i told her im not mad at her for telling me this in any way but i am a little hurt, however since she told me in person it soften the landing so to speak. i told her i understand how much courage it took her to tell me in person and that i respect it as well as her decision.as soon as we had this talk we went to go eat dinner with our friend. after this talk since we both had an idea of what was going on we were in a good mood. i accepted what she said and she accepted how i received it. after dinner we went to watch a movie with our friend. (just btw there is no other guy) during the movie i had my arm slung around her the whole time and she was leaning on me with her body angled towards me as well, almost like we were still a couple instead of apart like i had assumed would happen. during the move she had to much sugar or something and got sick and asked our friend to get her a drink. while he was getting her a drink i told her motioned for her to lay on me, as a comfort thing, but she basically buried her head in my body. she eventually got better but was really tired so we took her home and on the ride home she basically fell asleep on me. i asked her to tell me when she was going to bed cause we couldn't just walk her into her house or her dad woulda flipped. i expected a text saying goodnight or something but she called me. i talked to her till my phone died.I spent the whole next day thinking about the situation i was in relation-wise. i didn't communicate with her at all and resisted all temptation to do so. i eventually came to a conclusion. i thought that maybe a reason i felt more like a friend was because we haven't had any alone time recently since summer has started. all her friends as well as her family wanted to hang out with her, and since i do as well i have to basically cater to the pans of others. so i waited out the rest of the day, which was Saturday. on Sunday at around noon she texted me in a normal way. we had a normal chat about nothing, but it ended with me saying i have to call you later, i don't know when just expect a call from me. so at about eight pm i called her and told her that the reason she might view me as more of a friend is because we have hung out alone in awhile and that's a possible reason. she agreed with some of my points so i said maybe instead of breaking up we should try to get a nice fun alone time date in there and see if anything happens, but it's your decision as much as it is mine so if you don't agree with this tell me. after that conversation we said our goodnights and went to sleep in the manner we have been since we've been dating. Monday morning i was expecting a good morning from her as usual, and did not receive one. again i spent the whole day without communicating with her at an atepmt to let my proposal sink in and allow her some time to consider it.Now the reason i'm typing al this is because i'm planning on asking her on a date soon, but i'm still not sure if i'm her boyfriend or if we broke up. when i ask i get a response that is neither yes or no. it seems that she only has this idea, but she seems confused if she really wants it or not. so, what do u guys think is it a good idea to ask her out on this date, or break it off?
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female
reader, oreides +, writes (17 June 2010):
 you're welcome, hope i helped. gather the courage, like she did, to talk to her honestly, with tactful but blunt words. stringing you along if she is unsure is disrespectful, but she may be too torn between her head and her heart. but you can't have your cake and eat it, too...
i think this is a big red flag. if i were you, i would end it gracefully- remain friends, place enough distance to move on... not thinking long term, people get messed up in the "maybe in a year we'll be together..." stuff. adjust to the single life, live for yourself. time for yourself, get to know yourself better. and wait for a girl who is BESIDE herself to be with you and loved by you indefinitely and absolutely. you sound like a good person. you deserve it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i forgot to mention that while we were talking, there was a point where she said "who knows maybe it'll pick up again later" im convinced that people don't just say Things like that without a motive.
but you are right this confusion isn't very fair to me, but i don't know how to confront her about it. i could tell her it hurts and im eating myself from the inside out (not in those words im to nice to say that). it's just that i don't really know how i should do it i guess. thank you for your input though it was quite insightful
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A
female
reader, oreides +, writes (15 June 2010):
this is my interpretation of her thoughts and feelings during what you have told me, to explain women a little more...
you are phenomenal. men like you, able to handle and understand true honesty without emotional backfire, are a rarity! a woman could only dream to find a partner in life so receptive to their feelings. when she told you of how she felt, you responded with dignity and integrity. chances are, she didn't want to let go of someone like you.
but it's possible, sometimes people can get so close and love each other deeply, but in a relationship it's more than that. my mother just recently divorced her husband because of this same thing... they are still best friends, it just wasn't working out like they forced it to.
so that's really my point. it sounds like you guys are close, and you sound like an incredibly intuitive, intelligent, considerate guy. but also take into account of your own feelings... is this fair to you? if you do not resolve this confusion, and allow it to carry on for the sake of HER feelings and not your own... will you accept this later if you get hurt?
honestly, in my relationship, i would never bring it up as being more like a friendship than a relationship unless i had serious doubts- that's a very painful thing to say, and like you said, took a lot of courage. she must be experiencing serious doubts, however she realizes you are an amazing guy. amazing guy or not, she must accept that if the chemistry isn't right for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, it just won't work. your friendship may carry on strong with mutual understanding, but i suggest making it clear to her that she needs to resolve in herself how she feels about being with you BEFORE the relationship carries on. it is disrespectful to your feelings and all the consideration you take to be so uncertain.
i suggest telling her this and giving her time to think about it and tell you, without being prompted, her honest feelings on the matter. have a good, calm talk about it again- but this time, let her know how YOU feel about the next steps. i would leave the dates until after this has been settled thoroughly, either with her or a new girl.
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