A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles! This is a stupid situation I got myself into. This is a bit lengthy, so please bear with me. I need to dish all the details to help YOU help ME. Thanks...First off: My boyfriend if fucking amazing. Like literally... he's basically all I could ask for in a man. Only downfalls he has are that he's not British and he's balding pre-maturely. Does that REALLY honestly matter? Absolutely not; just those "things" you fantasize about, ya know? Also, I do love and care about him but the real problem about that I'll explain at the end.Anyway... to make an even longer story short, my ex before him and I broke up exactly two years ago to this day. He was an abusive ass and I was weak enough to allow him to leech his way into my life for another year and a half after we initially broke up. It was quite terrible; we almost got back together (for the third time) and that would've been the end of a lot of friendships I had been trying to get back during the time of our actual relationship. My now boyfriend was one of those friendships...By the way, I had dated one of my boyfriend's friends as well but I'll explain that situation later on.I think the reason I still occasionally think about my ex is because I let the break up be as messy and out of control as it was. Mind you, the guy was borderline stalking me; calling me literally hundreds of times over the course of a week, calling my house and I would sneak out to meet him at the local park (because I was a fuckin' idiot). It did not help that he and I live (yes, STILL live) only a block away from each other. I once got the cops involved but was too scared to carry on with it because he had evidence of things from the past.Unfortunately, he was 17 and I was 18 when I sent him pictures of myself naked and he took them of me as well. Mind you, we were together for like 1.5 years by this time and I definitely thought he was the one. He wasn't so sure...Luckily, I severed ties with him about 3.5 months ago. Which means that no, I have NOT talked to him or seen him in 3.5 months. It's quite refreshing, let me tell you. But I still get mad occasionally about how the situation went. There were/are SO many things I want(ed) to tell him! Not nice things, either. I wanted to tell him off. Let him know what an insufferable douche bag he was to me in the two years we had been dating and to let him know he SUCKS!!! And that he can burn in hell!Anyways... my boyfriend's friend... remember earlier I said my ex and I almost dated for the THIRD TIME? Well, we broke up twice officially and the first time was because of my boyfriend's friend. I left my ex for him and it was a gratifying feeling...Until I started to miss my ex. Mind you, I did NOT cheat on my ex. Unfortunately, I did cheat on my boyfriend's friend. Only once and I felt like less than a human when I did. My boyfriend's friend caught onto it and, naturally, broke up with me.Unfortunately, it was one of those situations where I quite literally ran back to my ex and we started a relationship for the second time a week later. We thought we had it all figured out by then. That everything would be fine because things were "back to normal". Turns out, we both sucked at that relationship with each other and my ex ended up cheating on me.Well, I also still think about my boyfriend's friend. Not that I want to get back together with the guy (that would never happen anyway). It's more a "what if?" situation. And sometimes, it eats me alive. My boyfriend gets annoyed when I talk about my celebrity crush, who is Matthew Lewis (who plays Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter series), by the way. Saying his friend looks very much like him. I keep telling him that I have no interest in his friend anymore (not that he actually accuses me, though) and it's true.His friend and I have like NOTHING in common. At least, not that I know of anymore. I haven't had a full length conversation with him since he and I dated for the two months we dated. That was 2.5 years ago. Also, the guy pretty much never showers and never really has any motivation to leave his house. He's way too "logical" for my taste and kind of boring. I need someone as random and crazy as I am and I found my male equivalent in my current boyfriend.Now, onto the real problem here: My boyfriend and I have been talking marriage and kids since well before we started dating. It was always a 5.5 to 6 hour chat on Facebook pretty much every night and we really got to know one another. We also found out we have WAY too much in common. When I got drunk and was chatting with him online, I was pretty forward about a lot. He told when we first started dating that he knew I've liked him for a small while because people let out their true feelings when they're a bit tipsy and/or drunk. Mind you, my boyfriend has liked me since the middle of sophomore year of high school. That's almost five years now.The last five months have crazy awesome between us and we've only gotten stronger. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm forcing it a bit too much. I try not to show it but I think my boyfriend is starting to notice it as well. We tell each other we love each other and it's all good, right? Now that we've been together a little over five months now and things are starting to pretty damn serious, the "what if's" are really coming back.Again, I love my boyfriend to death. I care a lot about him and we're always talking about kids and what not. What we'll do in later life and all that. But are we rushing things? Is that why I still occasionally think about my ex? Why I still think about the "what if's" about his friend? Sometimes I think I'm emotionally cheating on my boyfriend even though I don't think of either of those men sexually or physically. Just angry and "what if...?".Does that make sense? I hope... sorry for such a ridiculously long post. Thanks again!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (8 December 2010):
 I think it's pretty natural to wonder "what if" about your ex once in a while. No matter how badly it ended up, that relationship was a huge part of your life and there was once love there. If he had been a good guy, who knows where you would be today...but he wasn't. As long as you leave these occasional thoughts as just thoughts, I think you'll be okay and they will come less and less often in time.
As for your current boyfriend, yes, you are rushing things. The relationship is only five months old. Try to relax and enjoy being with him instead of adding all these "forever and ever" trappings. Today you are in love with an awesome drama-free man and it's a beautiful thing. Simply be grateful for that.
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