A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 6.5 years, living together for the last 2 years. We've been arguing/discussing about separating for the last 1.5 months. I don't understand why he wants to stay in the relationship - like what's in it for him? He does most of the cleaning and cooking. I don't feel like I love him anymore or at the very least as much as I did in the past. We have sex rarely (like 1x a week) and I don't give him affection. He says that if I want to break up, then I should. We signed a lease (1 year) for a new, more expensive apartment. I don't want to pay the rent myself, and it's convenient having him around. I've told him all of this, and told him that I'm only using him at this point. I asked him why is he staying in such a bad situation/relationship, and he says his "feelings". However - he does like another girl and has a list of things about her that he finds better than me. So are we mutually using each other? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 August 2010):
 Well, you can find the answer in the Law of Inertia:
"Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, and objects at rest tend to stay at rest."
In the relationship world, this would be characterized as being "stuck" or "in a rut" or "too comfortable to change who I'm with." I wouldn't exactly classify your relationship as "mutual using" of each other, because your boyfriend still has feelings for you.
Your source of fighting for the past 1 1/2 months comes from a growing feeling of frustration with the way things are. Frustration in relationships is a really good thing, because it causes us to shake out of ruts and causes us go get "in motion", so to speak.
This girl your boyfriend likes isn't enough yet for him to leave you, but I do see the writing on the wall. Once the lease is up, that might be it for both of you. So I wonder, why are you staying with him? You may be comfortable now, but you should go forward with your life. It is easy, like slipping on a pair of comfortable shoes, to be with someone when you don't love them simply because it's convenient. However, you should be better than that. Take a risk, don't use this guy, and don't be afraid to be alone. You will become better that way, and you'll have more personal integrity.
A
male
reader, Pazush  +, writes (22 August 2010):
 Hi,
Nope... it is you using him.
but, lets not start looking for motives...
if you have guilt- make your way out of it.
if you dont- live with it.
also, you should be aware that thats how relationships usualy ends. you can try to work it or you might think you should go meet other people which will be better.
truth is, your guy loves you. if you like, there are ways to make some passion back home.
i think go dating again is a waste of time, and will lead you to the same spot again. but if your experience is low, it might do good for you In the long run
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): To me it doesnt make much sense. If he cooks and cleans and you dont give affection then why is he staying in this relationship because of his "feelings". Especially after he said that if you wanted to break up then you should. Even more when he likes this other girl and has a list of things that are better about her than you. If you say that you dont love him then leave. To me it sounds like you are both miserable. So what would be the point of staying? I wish the best of luck.
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