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female
age
30-35,
*hoirlove19
writes: What to do if I love the man I'm with, but unhappy in the relationship?I've been dating this guy for almost 9 months now. We met at a friend's party and clicked immediately. We have similar views on a lot of important things like family, social issues, etc. And we just get each other: he likes my quirks, I find his jokes funny, even though other people find them odd, we love spending time together, and whatever we do together, whether it's taking a trip or just staying in with movies and food, we enjoy ourselves. We've met each other's parents, and a month ago we said "I love you" to each other.My problem is, despite all these great things, I've been unhappy for a quite a long time. While I'm in love with this guy's wonderful qualities, like his kindness and intelligence, there are some fundamential issues that bother me. Despite that we shared some very happy moments, I feel bad all the time. Number one thing is that he's pretty immature and can be very inconsiderate. I'm 25yo, he's 9 years older, but a lot of time he acts like a teenager. He can say or do things that hurt people without realizing it. When I tell him that something he'd done was inconsiderate, or that it hurt me or a friend of ours, he feels sorry and apologises, but he doesn't see it himself. Basically emotional labour is nonexistant on his part. And we've talked about that, and he says he's trying a lot. But I don't see it much. Just a few days ago we had plans, but his friend called him up, he 'lost track of time' and forgot about me completely, didn't even send the 'I'm sorry i can't make it' text. Also he's not local, in fact, he's a foreigner in my country, and despite that he's lived here for several years he doesn't speak the language and I end up taking care of everything for him, from his doctor's appointments to his landlord (and we don't even live together). Being foreign is another thing. We had very different backgrounds growing up, and I understand that we've got cultural differences and it's okay. Yet it still hurts me sometimes that he, for example, never offers to pay for dinner (even on my birthday!), not even once (he makes 3 times more of what I make btw). I pay for him sometimes because I want to treat him, and I give him gifts (he does to me too though, so it's not like that, but he is pretty stingy ). And I just wish that sometimes he'd do that for me too, I want to feel special to him, and I don't. It's not the money issue really, it's more of an attention issue. If I want romance I have to plan everything myself, and I have to spell everything out for him. And it just doesn't feel the same as if he did it. Plus, he is never being even remotely romantic, I love his sence of humour, but he doesn't know when to stop. I could dress up very nicely for the date, and we'd go somewhere, and all he'd tell me is some stupid dick jokes.Most of the time I feel unappreciated. And I addressed this issue directly, I tried talking to him, and he said that he cares about me a lot and thinks about me, and doesn't want to makenothing's changed much, so I continue being unhappy.And the worst part is, it is starting to look like I complain all the time, and it's not like me, I don't want to be like that, and I don't want to be a mummy to a 30+ year old, who constantly teaches him how to behave.I really do love him. I know it looks like I complained a lot here, but I honstly do, and I really don't want to break up with him. But is it healthy? The thought of breaking up with him is breaking my heart, but he continues to unintentionally hurting me, and I think I'm getting more than just mildly depressed.So my question is, is there a way to fix it, maybe I could fix the way I percept things, or work it out somehow with him, or are we just not right for each other?P.s. I'm sorry it's so long, and sorry for any mistakes, English is not my native language.
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female
reader, newgia667  +, writes (6 October 2016):
 Hello, I think that you should realize you deserve better.. I can relate to you in many ways because I have or was should I say dating a guy for the last 7-8 months, and I am 19 and he is 34. And I completey get what you mean by having to 'mommy' a grown man… It took me some time to realize this because I, like you was trapped under the spell of being in love and having the company of someone.It is not going to change.. Even if you voice your opinions.. You say that his intentions and doings are un-intentional, but if you have continued to 'complain' (as you stated in the paragraph) he is aware of the problem yet isn't doing anything to change that.. In a sense you are enabling him to continue to do things that hurt you and use you.. I know you love this person and you want to show them you care and do sweet things like dinners, gifts, etc, but if he loved you wouldn't he want the same? Seeing as you've been dating for 9 months he obviously is aware that you have a lower paying job than him and you need to be more cautious of your money, so why is he always making you pay? I know you say its not all about that and it isn't but always paying and doing things does take a toll on the mind. It makes you feel less of yourself and your not good enough of this person treating you to things… It makes me happy to say the least that he is at least apologizing to you for hurting you or upsetting or offending you, (my ex never did that) but if he is continuing to do the same thing then your just going to go in circles.. He is 34, and believe me he is set in his ways and has other plans. Majority of men that age are ready to settle down and find their life time companion. He is still in the phase of being young hence why he is dating you… As much as they say they 'love' us and like us they might like us but they do not and this is something temporary. If he saw a longtime future with you he would be doing anything in his power to show you he is the one for you.. Needless to say women mature way faster than men. You are 25 and you seem to be very mature, stable and have a right sense of what you are looking for in a relationship…. I think you should realize your worth now before its too late an you start to feel even worse.. It's going to be very difficult but you need to distance yourself..My proposition, take a few days to outweigh the negatives and positives of the relationship. Remember to put yourself first. I think you should confront him (phone call, text, person may be harder) and let him know you have expectations in relationships or should we say standards, and each person has kind of requirements in order to be happy. And his humour and behaviour is conflicting with your happiness. Tell him you've allowed him to enjoy himself for 9 months and emotionally drain you but now its time for you to be happy. I believe everyone deserves a chance so you should tell him to take time to figure out what he really wants. Within that time distance yourself from him and get back to the things that bring you happiness (lunch with a friend, nails, hair, shopping, drinks,food)..As much as we want to excuse the person we love for their behaviour we have to understand and come to face reality with the ugly truth. The ugly truth is that he is using you, and you are initially enabling it, he believes because he is older he can manipulate you by apologizing and continuing to do the same thing.. I think you deserve better than that and to be showered with love, appreciation, gifts, jokes that don't offend you… If you continue this it is just going to truly hurt you more… I can assure you, take it from me a stupid naive girl who made the same mistakes you did and thought love could conquer all. But it was very one sided and you need to realize your needs and your worth..Take care, Gia :)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 September 2016):
 The only advice I have for you is love is simply not enough to stay in a relationship with someone.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 September 2016):
 Well, maybe it's naive to assume that love should make you happy, but I am pretty sure that at least should not make you constantly unhappy, or depressed, even !
I agree with Honeypie. That's the umpteen case which goes to show how love is not enough , without basic compatibility.
You two have a great time together because you are physically and intellectually compatible ( getting each other jokes, sharing interests ) but you are not emotionally compatible, you feel and perceive certain things all differently. And eventually that becomes like having a pebble in your shoe, it will spoil the best, most enjoyable walk.
It does not matter " whose fault " this is. Pardon me for saying that, but, being a firm believer that we have a good measure of control about our emotions and feelings, and that nobody can make us feel " bad " about ourselves, or, " hurt ", if we don't want to.... my suspicion, (maybe unfounded, ok ), since you feel so often hurt by what he says or does, would be that maybe you are a bit too sensitive and would benefit from growing a ticker skin.
But, it does not matter , actually: you are what you are and have any right to be the way you are - he is who he is .... and the two things clash in some sensitive points.
If you need someone who is attentive and romantic, to the point of feeling depressed when you do not get these attentions and romantic gestures, well, frankly it is easier and smarter to go look for someone who can and wants to give you what you need, rather than tryng to reform and transform a man who does not value and does not " do " romance.
Then there's another big thing , while not being sensitive or tender enough to fulfill you , it may be a personality trait that he has no fault about, and he should not necessarily strive to change...
when I hear how you have to mommy a grown up man and help him handling normal, daily things, sorry but it raises my heckles. That's his fault and he SHOULD strive to change, - you give him a comfy excuse to not do that, be lazy and keep depending on people.
Whaaat ? Several years in your country and he does not speak the language ??? How would he manage if he had not met you ? As a matter of fact, how can he even work ?!...
What does he plan to do, keep relying upon the kindness of strangers for the rest of his life ?..Does he not see anything wrong with that at all ?....
That would be a major , major turn on in my book, and I hope eventually you'll decide it is for you too. If you ever have children you'll see how demanding and tiring, physically and mentally, it is- you'll need a strong man to help you parenting your kids, not a bigger, lazier, more entitled version of them !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2016): You are talking the language of confusion!You say you love his sense of humour but infact it is grating on you and your friends and i dont see much evidence of the kindness you find in him.He excels at being unkind: he forgets your birthday or doesnt pay for the meal which is a very contemptible sort of kindness.He goes out and forgets you exist which is also not particularly kind or intelligent even!This guy is not good for you and he is confusing you as well!Love makes a person feel wonderful, it does not breed unhappiness.You see you are in fact being ruthlessly used.He is on a charm offensive when he wants something but he doesnt have the correct kind of soul for you.As you have invested 9months in him youshould be able to break free.There must be someone local that you know well that you can talk to.Also ask the doctor for counselling about your problems and go to every session.Thank God you dont live with him.He is an occassionally charismatic charmer but it is time you got yourself free to meet someone else.These big time using charmers can be very devious so take it on board and look for a very different kind of guy.One that makes you feel a milliondollars and not a word pleaser.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 September 2016):
 You can love someone and NOT want to be with them. I do think in your case it's a matter of not being as good of a match as you had hoped. While you two get along on certain things the fundamental ones you don't.
I think having a partner who is wholly missing the mark when it comes to empathy, compassion AND common sense, is something that WILL not change. He can promise he will, but it's not going to happen because he DOESN'T think he is doing wrong, he just parrots you.
Being the "mommy" in a relationship with someone who is an adult, and for someone who is OLDER than you, it's pointless. I mean that if he hasn't LEARNED by now, do you think he even wants to? Same with learning the language. Why should he bother when you can do it for him?
I don't think this is a case of fixing. You shouldn't have to "fix" yourself by ignoring these things, and HE isn't going to "fix" anything because he basically doesn't think he is doing anything wrong or he doesn't care when he does. Like standing you up when you have plans. He rather hang out with friends, then YOU automatically become a low priority. Becaue HE wants to do what HE wants to do. Again immaturity.
I'm sorry, I don't see a way to make this work without you giving up YOUR standards and him staying the same. And you will resent it, more than you already are.
You can't MAKE him grow up. OR mature into a man whom you don't resent in little ways.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2016): A 9 year age gap at 25 is a big deal. You gave a lot of growing to do and he's far ahead of that. I think this might explain some of the issues...
I've also dated men from outside of my country and I did find it difficult to relate in a lot of areas. In the end it didn't work ??
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