A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, although we only live together part time due to his work at the moment. I always knew he liked porn and we were very active in the bedroom initially, although this was short lived after the first 6 month it rapidly went to irregular then none. Recently I found his profile on a site saying he was single and flirtacious in nature, I then went through the pC here a bit more and found a lot of other things I was not happy with. We had a huge discussion and I made my feelings plain and let him know if he wanted to leave he could without drama. He apologised and stayed with me. I do not think he would cheat in person but somof his activities online were what I would consider as emotional cheating. I trusted in what he said and did my best to put it out of my mind. Now i find he has given his phone number to people he is chatting to. He had claimed it was just to make friends but know it is not the case from some of the content of his profiles on varous sites. I have tried to ignore the problem but his recent behaviour when I wandered through late one night when he was chatting to someone on cam and his reaction was to say oh my god go and throw up then jump straight into bed asking me to turn the computer off without looking at it. So I simply googled his name and up popped a profile with initmate videos of him included in it.Also he no longer can get an erection when he is with me but I found a mostly empty packet of viagra when claning which he assured me had always been there that he got from a friend and that he only had one and was going to try it alone or maybe with me to see if it would help....later the story became I had two but tried one and it did not work and i felt sick you would know you were there. Everything he says and reasons he gives makes me think he could be having an affair and any observer of the facts would say that he is. When the subject of an affair comes up he gets angry with me for even having the thought that he would. Frankly he does not have time to but I have pointed out his actions and he agrees most people would think as I do given bare facts.I have tried to be open and honest about this but he just will not be honest with me which is driving me crazy. the more it comes up in conversation the more he gets angry and says he is sick of talking about it and drives us further apart without resolving the situation.He says he loves me and nothing physical is going on and gets angry when I find things on my computer, even though the initial things I found were by accident (naked pictures of other women that were sent to his mobile phone and then downloaded). He has been given the opportunity to leave but he wanted to stay and work things out and recently I nearly got to the point of frustration to ask him to go.We do love each other but I know he just does not fancy me anymore, we have not made love in a very long time and when he is affectionate it is now with the lights off which has only happend within the last few months. Everthing in his behaviour makes me feel as if he is having an affair.When I met him he always said he would never cheat and nothing he did led me to believe he would have ever done so, but then in a late night chat he said he had cheated on several of his past partners.We have a strong bond and he is my best friend and I do love him but at the moment we don't seem to be making each other happy.He refuses to go to any councilling etc and says he will sort things out in his own time. I am very open and used to discussing problems as calmly as possible but he finds this very difficult and gets angry and defensive. Often feeling the victim in situations, he was angry with me for looking..."well if you don't like it then don't look" but he does realise it hurts my feelings and apologises but does not stop doing it.I am a very open minded person in most respects but honesty and fidelity are very important to me. He is if a difficult place in his life at the moment and having a midlife crisis of sorts which I do my best to support but he does not seem to understand himself very well at times and after a year of letting him deal with it his way and also finding as many avenues of support for him as possible i am so tired and nothing is getting better.When we ignore the intimate side of the relationship and the problem of his online activities we get on really well and have a good laugh but no matter what I have tried we cannot resolve the situation.He knows I would never lie or cheat and when I had found the profiles initially I sat him down and explained everything I had found and how. But I am living in a sexless, passionless relationship which is damaging my self confidence a bit as I feel less attractive given the man I love is giving me lots of affection but no passion or intimacy and steadily my physical interest in him in decreasing as I find it hard to share my body with someone who shared theirs on the internet with all comers.He just wants me to ignore the problems and carry on as usual. I tell him it hurts me we have a discussion that turns into a row (he always gets angry then calms down when i do not rise to it) then a discussion again and nothing changes. Yet I know he loves me and would not leave me as he has been given ample chance to do so. I have told him the next time it gets to him saying he will leave if I want him to then he will be doing so.Is it worth trying to work on a relationship when the initmacy has gone and your partner despite being given every route and opportunity does not do anything to change?I do not mind him looking at pictures or movies of porn but when it comes to looking at and being veiwed by real people I do find this one step over the line when he has a loving and quite frankly sexually open woman at home to have fun with.We are due to go on holiday soon and he has mentioned he might like to be intimate away from the stresses of normal life but to be honest I do find intimacy with him difficult now as all the things I have seen him do online are a real turn off to me. We have not been intimate in so long the idea of it does not sit comfortably in my mind. I have spoken to him about things feeling different in the past and he does understand this and more often than not he does not want to do anything when I had tried to initiate intimacy (not necessarily sex) in the recent past.How do I handle this when we go away we could have a great mates holiday but if he wants it to be more I don't know how I will feel quite honestly after the most recent video discovery I do not want him touching me at all and have removed the web cam from my computer I never used it anyway.We used to be so good together, but we make great best friends now but our relationship is lacking. I am pretty self aware and do not usually take any nonsense and am always direct about things. i am surprised at myself that I am dallying about this but he means a lot to me I know that if we split he would never see me again, but will not let that be an influence in how I act now. I just don't want us both to be dragged over the same problem repeatedly as it is bad for both of us. He sees nothing wrong in what he does...I do.I have told him that it really hurts my feelings and that sorry once is fine but sorry twice is not good enough he knows it hurts me but still does it. Are we just great friends with the passion gone? Is it worth fighting for a relationship when the other person does not seem to want to solve problems just ignore them?Thanks for reading I know this is a long question....s lol.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn answer:
"here is couple of questions i have for you now- do you two have chemistry to be happy together, as in, to make each other happy?"
Yes we can be very happy together if I put all the problems that are going on currently out of my mind, but I find this difficult when I know he is chatting and swapping personal pictures with other women on the internet as it discourages me from trying to work things out when he seems to be looking elsewhere for a solution.
"he is going through a rough patch- sure, but- can you see yourself having a positive lifesyle, clear of problems, with this guy, or is it going to be more of a constant uphill?"
Eventually we could have a happy life he said losing me would be like losing an arm and I feel the same, the practicalities of life are not that easy at the moment but if we both worked at it we could acheive a very happy life together
" is your relationship based on happiness or 'getting by'?"
I love him and he does make me happy it is just that he knows that what he is doing online hurts me yet he continues to do it each time we talk about it is esclilates and he gets angry. The first time I found out he threatened to leave saying I would never look at him the same again. I can forgive as long as the situaton resloves which it has not which is causing increasing pressure on us both. I am willing to be patient as I know it is hard for him but my own feelings are taking a bit of a beating at the moment and I do not know how long I can sustain it.
When you take this problem away though we really enjoy each thers company have a lot in common and can have a real giggle.
"stop trying to pressure him into any passionate behaviour completely, instead shift your focus onto something else, whatever, and improve that and then see if intimacy returns."
Tried this for a long time and it resulted in a total lack of intimacy we cuddle and are affectionate but nothing passionate ever results. I stopped initiating any passionate contact a long time ago to take the pressure off him but he is not ready to initiate anything with me yet.
Thanks for your advice it is great for me just to have somewhere to talk about it so it does not niggle at me and come out as frustration, it does change the way I look at him sometimes. I wonder why I am working so hard for us both to be happy when he seems to want to leave the situation alone and have a happy relationship without any passion. To be honest I cannot be celibate the rest of my life sex is very emotional for me but I also have a high drive and as said in another question to be forced to be celibate in a relationship when the object of your affection and desire is within arms reach is the worst form of hell. Borrowed words but very true.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): okay, here is the same guy from before. here is couple of questions i have for you now- do you two have chemistry to be happy together, as in, to make each other happy? he is going through a rough patch- sure, but- can you see yourself having a positive lifesyle, clear of problems, with this guy, or is it going to be more of a constant uphill? is your relationship based on happiness or 'getting by'? these are big questions, in my opinion. as far as your current predicament, its obvious you care for him, but sois that you are level headed. stop trying to pressure him into any passionate behaviour completely, instead shift your focus onto something else, whatever, and improve that and then see if intimacy returns. you have answered your own question, work at it, but do give yourself a timeline. he doesnt need counseling, i think 5% of men would even go there, and who knows how many would actually benefit. he needs a shift in the way he sees you. there are buttons for intimacy in his head, just gotta find the way to turn them. big plus is that it was once there.but when its done, if its done, dont be affraid to call it.it seems to me you got it figured out pretty good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can see why people tell me to dump him but we have both had addictions in the past unfortunately his are more in the present, after lots of councilling at a younger age I have come to understand my problems and be at peace with myself but only did so with the support of other people. I do not want to split up with this guy unless I get to the point where I know that he is beyond help. I love him dearly for who he is but as a couple we are not in the best place at the moment.I have been through enough myself to know that this situation is not ideal as it is hurting me and I will not try to help him if it becomes too much of a strain on me or he is not trying to help himself. I have been trying to guide him towards places of help for a year now and his depression has not lifted. At the minute I more play the role of supportive friend and we share a lot of affection for each other but the spark s gone and I have tried everything I know to get it back. But with his depression and other problems it seems an insurmountable task.The holiday is an attempt to get away from everthing and find each other again.I know I cannot make him better and he needs to help himself but he is a good person just very mixed up in where his life is at and if he can get thorugh this he s well and truely worth waiting and being patient for as long as he does nothing that hurts me badly.It is strange how women on here are going through this problem, it is when impersonal porn becomes a kind of online porn realtionship with real people. He says they are not real and no different to the pictures or movies I do not mind. He cannot see the difference between the two.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is no way I would marry him with things as they are as I think it would be detsructive for us both or base my security on him as the trust I have in him is slightly damaged - what hurts most is the lack of honesty. I have asked him to be honest no matter what the situation is but he still is hiding things wanting to keep everything of that nature private and his own.
Thanks for the opinion form a man that he might not be cheating I have explained to him I know he would not physically be doing anything (but this plays on my mind it is opnly a matter of time as his online exploits become more explicit) and understand that he needs to vent his urges as do I but I do so without involving other people pictures porn or otherwise and am quite open with him about it. I think me broaching the subject more would just lead him to escalate what happens online as aftert he last time he now gives out his phone number and has added videos of himself performing acts onto his profile.
I have tried all the backing off the sexual side talking then about fantasies and such which verbally he has a lot of interest in and he cuddles me lots but when it comes to the act of intimacy not even inluding sex just being close touching and kissing it happens rarely and only with the lights off.
I am not sure he is ready to face his addictions and have tried to stear him towards places that will help but he finds talking about it to other people very difficult and refuses to go.
I do believe he is going through a really bad patch in many ways and he has been quite depressed and me raising this matter just akes him more distant wanting to ignore it and carry on as usual, I know what depression is like and want to support him but can not tolerate long term a situation that drags me down too if he is not willing to even try to resolve it.
More male opinions on how to approach this would be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks for the answers so far.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): Dump him.
You don't want someone like him in your life. Seriously, dump him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): It just pains me to see so many women in agony over this very frequent problem that seems to be stemming from the availability of porn on the internet.
Your boyfriend has an addiction, DO NOT MARRY HIM! Unless he gets professional help he will not be able to quit this destructive bad habit. Any addiction is selfish, but the wife of an alcoholic does not question if she is pretty or sexy, that is what is so destructive to a relationship with sex addiction.
Trust me when I tell you, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, your boyfriend is the one with the problem. Go to this web-site to find out more npsupport.net
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): geez, a tough question.
i dont know if a good answer is even out there, as i am, sorta, minus the videos and such, in a similar relationship myself. only thing is, im not so sure whether my gf and i ever had it (enough intimacy).
i'd say, give yourself a timeline. simple as that. then move forward with constructive stuff, try to have more intimacy with him. if it doesnt happen, really, call it. it means that without major change it probably wont- and do you want to live such life year after a year?
second, and im sure of this, if the guy is not having sex with you, he might not be cheating, but he is persuing something else (porn, whatever..) any guy needs an outlet for that, and if it isnt you, its some(one)thing else.
i do think its worth a shot, because if chemistry was good once, it can be regained. but remind him, honesty first, and ask yourself what do you need, and then a timeline.
happiness can never wait.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to add the twist to this situation which I seem to have missed out - he is the one pushing for us to get married and get a house together, and because of this I am not happy to make any changes to our relationship at the moment he is getting frustrated that i do not want to make things offical and wants to start a family soon, which leads me top believe he is very committed to us as a couple but makes his actions even more confusing!
He wants to ignore this huge problem and just carry on for the rest of our lives with his security at home and his fun on the net.
He is one confusing fellow.
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