A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:H Everyone,I'm a 23 year old Canadian Male. I've been dating my high school sweetheart for a little more than 6 years. We were always very close and we loved each other a lot. We both went to the same university as well. However, I graduated a year earlier than her and I went on to work in an American company (1.5 hr by plane and 8 hrs by car). I worked there for about 5-6 months but I didn't enjoy my job and I missed her a lot so I came back to work near her. Unfortunately, when she graduated she didn't get accepted to the program of her choice for graduate school anywhere near by. However, she did get accepted in a mediocre European university (she didn't even tell me she applied there until she actually got accepted) and she decided to move there. She is now an expensive 12 hour plane ride away from me.At first, I said I don't want her to go. I told her I'm not comfortable with long distance. She said it'll be fine and I'll get used to it and basically guilted me by saying that I left for USA when I graduated. I told her I'd give it a chance for a year. It's been almost a year and I'm still not used to it. I visited her once and I tried talking to her but she doesn't get it. So I told her that I think I want to break up if we have to keep doing long distance relationship. She got uncomfortable and she started making me feel guilty for bringing that up. I tried to stop thinking about it but I couldn't. I keep wanting to break up with her. I hate our relationship now. She video calls me and chats with me all the time but I'm quite frustrated about our situation and she just wants to ignore it coz it makes her "sad". She's been saying that she'll come back this year and that it'll be fine but I'd feel even more guilty if she comes back. She doesn't have any plans here. She doesn't have a job offer. She doesn't have any graduate school offers. She has no reason to come here. I'd feel even worse if she did come back.There are a few reasons I told her not to go:1. I'll miss her a lot. So will she.2. Long distance ruins relationships. It rarely works.3. It'll increases trust issues. She tends to lie sometimes and I have a hard time trusting her all the time.4. I am starting to get attracted to other women. It makes me wonder if she feels the same too. Sometimes I feel like breaking up with her or cheating on her but I can't do that coz I'm not that kind of a person. I feel guilty just for thinking about it.5. We argue all the time on the phone or chatting! We are slowly growing apart... online!6. We waste a lot of time videocalling and chatting and it's hurting my work performance. It's making me depressed that we're not together. After 5 years of meeting her almost everyday, sleeping with her, talking with her everyday, and fucking her, we are suddenly apart.7. Her european school is not very well known. Her degree might not even be properly valid in Canada. She will have a hard time getting work in Canada but she plans to move back. *Confused*8. She'll have a hard time finding a job in Canada with her degree. I live in the city and there is a slim chance she'll find a job here. She thought she'll get too old if she waits to get accepted here - so she jumped on her first chance to Europe. She is 23 only!9. It costs a lot to study in that mediocre European school and her parents aren't extremely rich. She has huge loans. To put it in perspective: 1 year of her program in Europe costs double what she paid for her whole 4-year undergraduate degree in Canada.10. She feels even more guilty to move back to Canada now that she spent so much on her first year. Her program lasts for 4-6 years. She will have huge debts and it has already started.I guess I feel guilty that she still loves me and I do too and that's why I'm still with her. She told me that we spent so much time staying together that we need to work harder to keep our relationship alive. Deep inside, I feel like we may be hurting ourselves by trying to keep up this relationship. I don't want her to come back to me out of guilt and potentially become career-less. I can't go to her because none of my work exists there. It's almost like a village where she is and my field is in technology. I guess what makes me sad is that she even considered leaving me in the first place. More importantly, she never even suggested that I work or stay near her when I was leaving for my short stint at America.I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her but I also don't want to ruin her career. I want to support her but at what cost? My happiness? I am depressed everyday. I don't feel happy without her. It hampers my own work. I need her love and companionship. I feel guilted into this relationship. I want her to come back but at what cost? Her happiness about her own career? Was it never meant to be? Are we meant to be best friends instead? We get along so well but can we really be friends? Is it wrong that I want to be with her? Is it wrong that I want her to come back and try here? Is it a lost cause? She was always much smarter than me and that makes me feel even worse that she'd settle for something mediocre somewhere oceans apart from me. I'd understand if she was going to Harvard but she went to a school that costs so much yet it's value is almost worthless back in Canada. I have done extensive research about it.Now, more and more opportunities come to me and that requires me to move away from here. I'm still staying here because it reminds me of her and I hoped that she'd come back. Now, I don't know anymore. Maybe I should let our relationship fade slowly. Should I break up with her when she's back to visit? Should I break up with her right away on the phone? Should I let her move back permanently and hope she can advance her career in Canada somehow? Should I move away from here so I can move on from her and let our relationship fade slowly due to lack of communication? She was my first love, my first sexual partner and my first girlfriend. I was the same for her. Are we too hung up on this achievement? Is this how it's supposed to end? Why do I still love her so much? How can you break up with someone you love?What should I do?Thanks for listening.
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best friend, debt, depressed, long distance, move on, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): Hello there.Personally I feel you should approach your relationship with the mind-set that a breakup isn't a solution. It isn't, most of the time. Think about this: she knows the prospects of her career aren't that good there in Canada but she is still willing to come back, ruining the career she spent so much money on. She has prioritized your relationship and that is a cause to bring you two closer, but you say a guilt feeling comes in the way. That is only natural, but so is the fact that all relationships need sacrifice and compromise. You made one in coming back to work near her and now she's making one for you. She is doing what she needs to do to be happy( at least in the long run) and you haven't pressurized her into doing anything. So let all of this bring you together, and be transparent to each other. Discuss, plan! When you really do love each other so much, how can a breakup make you happy? And as for your getting attracted to other women, that is natural too. Your mind and body have their needs. You're only human, and so is she.. A relationship cannot be perfect, you have to work towards attaining any level of perfection. Stop trying to make things work out perfectly. A liitle rain and a little sunshine- that is what is in everybody's share. Breathe.I wish you all the very best! *hugs*PS- Pleaseee fix this! Your relationship doesn't deserve to die!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): sometimes life tries to separate lovers .. if u truly love her then u should figure it out .. i know its big loads on u and being far destroys every nice thing passed in a relation but as u said she cant go on studying there cuz its too expensive so maybe u should help her finding another uni to attend or u have to move to her with a limited job u could find .. its hard decision u have to make .. letting go ur love or good job for a couple of years .. if u break up with her u may forget soon or u may suffer for a long period cuz she was ur first and its hard to forget the first love but also its about ur will inside .. being strong enough to make a decision and handle all the results .. best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, angelloveforever  +, writes (4 May 2013):
 well honestly im only 15 ad im female but if yall are having that much trouble yall should split up. and if/when she comes back then yall might want to try it gain but most of the time high school and college relationships do not work out. and i just recently got out a long distance relationship and it hurt at first but i moved on. she will do the same. think of it like this..... what you love you must let go, if it comes back it was always yours, if not, it never was.... i wish u the best of luck
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