A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:me and my bf have been together for 3 years now. I love him to pieces no-one makes me laugh, feel safe and creates that sparkle in my eyes the way he does. I know he loves me very much 2. We have had the usual ups and downs that couples have but recently we argue over pathetic things. Like now we are arguing over him going to the pub with mates after finishing his degree. Basically on Monday ... he went to the pub after his tennis match and I was going to his afterwards he text me at 9 saying he would be half hour and at 25 past 9 he text me sayin he would be 5 mins! So i got ready to go and text him sayin are u home yet? I heard nothing for half hour so I got annoyed and we had an argument. All i said was don't leave me hanging. He eventually said sorry and we were fine then today he said he wanted go for a drink with his uni buds was that ok? I got annoyed he was asking my permission and said to him that he was being stupid asking my permission and of course I don't mind the only thing that annoyed me was how he left me hanging on monday.Now he's saying I don't want him to have friends and I'm controlling. I don't understand I was trying to explain where I was coming from and that I don't have a problem with any of it and now I'm the bad guy again.He is also extremely jealous of me being at uni and being with other people. I just can't win and I feel like it's going to break us which devastates me because what we have is unbelieveable. He is the most caring and loving guy I know and the arguments are not all the time. But what do they mean? Are we heading for a rocky end? I really need don't know what to do and the arguments are emotionally draining me on top of the revision I need to do for exams! We are arguing as we speak please what do I do?
View related questions:
jealous, spark, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBtw this is not the only two times they were EXAMPLES!! It has happened before. Thanks for all the help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfine i am obviously becoming controlling and obsessive. I will leave him to it thanks for ur help/ viscious comments. U put it into perspective for me!
...............................
A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (28 May 2010):
 I'm simply saying don't make plans on the nights he is going out with his buddies this will cut down on your arguing.
Your saying your mad he leaves you hanging I have to agree with you on that one but why put yourself in this position, if your friend is out and is having a good time with his friends and looks at his watch and know he has to go but chooses to stay there for one more drink, whats going to be the outcome an argument so why put yourself in that position to begin with.
If he has time for his friends than I'm sure he will have time for you adjust your calender and set up a date.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2010):
 You're a little stressed right now with all your schoolwork but I highly recommend that the two of you locate your senses of humor. HumoUr, sorry. You two also need to practice some communication skills.
Is this keeping you hanging a one-time thing, or does he do it all the time? If it's happening more than you like, I suggest that you take back the control. By that I mean, that he suffer the consequences of leaving you hanging. And that is not you having a hissy fit on the phone or via text.
I'll explain. The next time he wants to go out with his mates and meet you after, agree, and then add, "I will wait until X:30pm but after that, if I don't hear from you, I'm going out with friends/going to bed/"doing whatever it is that you're going to do. And then, you stick to it. You become unavailable to him after that time for the rest of the evening. You don't throw a tantrum, you don't speak angrily to him, you don't text something snotty. Nope. You simply vanish for the evening. *poof* Gone. You don't answer your phone, if you can, turn it off, you ignore texts, you go on about your business without him.
The next day, you are bright and friendly and there is no trace of resentment in your voice or demeanor. Sorry, demeanoUr. You proceed as if nothing had happened and you were not irritated.
Essentially, you have taken back control and not allowed him to leave you hanging.
I don't like being left hanging either. I especially hate it when I've made a lovely dinner. I used to get upset when he would fail to notify me that he was going to be late. Now I don't stress. I set my own mental stopwatch and if he's not home at the reasonable time, I proceed on my own. With a glass of wine. He'll know he's been rude and apologizes profusely. It's generally a work issue though, not hanging out with the boys. The incidence of being left hanging has gone virtually to nil.
I also trained our dog. Some of the same principles apply. Ignore the unwanted behavior, reward the desired behavior.
Good luck with school!
...............................
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (27 May 2010):
 I see absolutely nothing wrong with adversity to being "left hanging" I, myself have a strong policy in place on this same subject. It's an easy policy to understand it goes like this: " DO NOT leave me hanging, for any reason. ever" Ok, so if he's dead somewhere, that, I can understand. End of subject. I don't do this to others and I require the same of them. Easy.
Nothing wrong with requiring common courtesy honey. If he wants to play it loose and fast like that, then let him play that game elsewhere.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwoah woah woah chill out the last few answers!! Actually I do have my own friends (older sister)!! I go out with them a lot and he does the same to me i.e. when I'm at uni if u read it correctly!! I have actually told him I don't want to go round to his when he goes out, plays tennis etc... so that we vaoid these arguments and we have made a pact to really stop arguing only time will tell if we can both make the effort! He is the one who asks me round at like 11pm when he gets back from tennis (yes I know late but its a league thats an hours drive back and they have food afterwards as they have no dinner beforehand!)I say no and it leads to friction so I give in and go which ok I admit is worng because it usually leaves me ina bad mood when I'm sat around waiting all night for a text and it leads to arguments. So yes I agree that is my fault and I have recognised that and I now leave him to those nights. Its not him going out with his buddies that bothers me at all, I know them all and they are a good bunch. I understand people need alone time hell I need it myself! My problem is how he leaves me hanging for 2 hours not knowing anything or whats going on surely you wouldn't like that??
Now for those who think I don't have a life. I'm at Uni, I have an amazing circle of friends that I live with and go out with 2 -3 times a week. I play tennis and I am captaon of the team next year and tend to go on quite a few socials with them. My boyfriend comes up once through the week and weekends (he himself has been doing a degree and has na demanding job). The rest of the time I am doing my uni work. So for those who think I'm a possesive controlling freak I'm sorry you think that and hope that changed your mind. I am sure u will post a reply to say he needs to get away from me though!
To the earlier posts thankyou very much that helped a lot. It is very hard to walk away when we argue - we are both quite similar and yes do scream at each other and I know I should walk away! But it is bloody hard! Its mad though we scream at each other and within seconds we are hugging each other both saying sorry and within 10 mins u wouldn't think we had been arguing! I love him to pieces and would NEVER want to control him that's why it hurts so much when he says it.
Thanks again :) I'm sure we will be ok xxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (26 May 2010):
Give him his time with his buddies and don't plan a visit that night would surely avoid an argument.
I really don't believe that couples in a relationship should have to ask for permission to go anywhere married or dating I just don't allow or give that control. Give notice of course tell them your where about why not, but not ask for permission, and I would rebel against that too because I'm not a child.
The arguing has to do with his going out and you wanting to have control on what time he gets home and gets annoyed of him going out, and I don't think you two would be arguing if you laid back a little and let him have his independence and his fun.
...............................
A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (26 May 2010):
 I think you need to figure out what the real reasons for the arguing are. I don't buy that it was just ONE night of him leaving you hanging. My guess is he's done other stuff to annoy you and it came up that way.
I ALSO don't buy his that one night of buddies and you being makes him feel like you're controlling him. There's something else going on.
Find a time when you're both fine, not just after a fight or while in one. Or when you're stressed over exams or whatever.
Find out what it is you're not getting from him that is annoying you. Then you can communicate that to him. Tell him you're sorry he feels controlled but you're not sure why he said that, what is it that you're doing that makes him feel controlled? Tell him you don't care that he goes out with his buddies as long as you aren't waiting around for him.
Yes I know, that's what you said, but try to say it in a calm controlled manner. I'm sure you said the same thing while screaming and other stuff was in the way (him screaming back for one.)
You can even start the conversation with "Honey I don't want to argue anymore. Can you help me find a way so we can stop?" Something like that. But make sure you're both in a good position to talk.
I think you can work it out if you're both willing.
Oh, and if he does bring up something that gets you emotional and you're about to scream, ask for a time out. Say I'm sorry, I'm getting emotional. I need some time to think. Then walk away.
By the same token if HE says it, don't follow him around asking why or other questions. GIVE him time to think.
YES that's hard as hell to do, but do it or you'll get into another screaming match. I know neither of you wants that.
...............................
A
female
reader, LaBellefox +, writes (26 May 2010):
 I agree with what strongfp says. Relax. when relationships go to second stage, (means you two are really doing well!) the parties play little games even unknowingly to prove the other person really loves them, to prove they can indeed be strong healthy individuals WITHIN the relationship... give him room, allow him to make mistakes, but directly state your needs and wants which you are doing. you are doing everything right and no this doesn't mean you are in for a rocky end. I say it means the opposite. But in general always trust your instincts and always talk with the people in your life about your concerns. I think you should do this to him but not in a needy insecure sounding way like "you arent paying enough attention to me... I dont want you going out without me" etc etc. But it doesnt sound like you are this way anyway... good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): Caring + loving = extremely jealous??? I think that you should start meeting him at the pub where he goes for drinks....
And he doeesnt like you being at Uni and being with other people.......erm... sounds controlling and possessive....
Start setting some boundaries in your relationship as it seems that whatever he does is ok but whatever you do is not!
...............................
|
