A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm needing some serious advice/help with my boyfriend of 3 years. We're the same age, don't live together, and spend weekends/any times we can find in our work schedules together.Over the last few months things have gotten really rocky. We've started fighting over the stupidest things, I really have no idea why, and have not been able to actually work things out. It's like we're at a standstill and neither of us know which direction to go because it may cause the wrong reaction by the other person. We have talked about our problems but it always seems like we're back at square one.Anyway, I know he'd been unhappy for a while because he'd been distant and not putting forth as much effort over the last little bit. One minute he tells me we should part and move on with our lives and the next he's loving me like his old self. I told him if he no longer wanted to be with me that I'd let him go and wouldn't stand in his way of happiness. Okay, with that said, here's where I am now. I spent the weekend with him and he woke up yesterday morning in a crappy mood and just blurted out exactly what he's been feeling and thinking. He didn't hold back at all. It came out like word vomit. It's the most honest I've ever saw him. He told me that he's unhappy in this relationship and hates that we fight over "petty bullshit" rather than actually working on our real relationship. He said that I'm no longer the girl I used to be and that he can't stand even looking at his phone anymore because he knows it's going to be some kind of drama when he does.He wants me to be like my old bubbly giggly self but it's hard to do that when I know he's unhappy with me 'cause I feel like there's nothing I can say or do to change his heart. So once I'm in the room with him now it's hard to just run up to him and wrap my arms around him in that loving way I used to do when I feel like he's not even loving me at all anymore. I mean, I know he loves me but nothing feels the same. This is why I say we're at a standstill and don't know what to do.I have no idea what to do here. This man means everything to me and I love him more than life itself. He still says he loves me, just a couple hours ago actually, but nothing feels the same. I really need some advice. I don't want to break up and I know he's thinking about what to do so in the meantime is there anything I can do to bring him back to me? To make him happy again? I feel I'm backed in a corner and have no idea how to get out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2013): Hi there, I hope things have calmed down a little in your world. It seems like you're obsessed with this man, honestly, with little motivation, curiosity, hobbies, passions, ANYTHING besides the desire to have him glued to your side. He's not going to be likely to want to glue himself if you're essentially a cipher of a human being that exists only for a relationship. He sees himself as zombie food, for your insatiable desire for MAAAAAANS (go ahead, throw rotten tomatoes at me) will only continue. I'm sure he sees you as not giving two shits about the person he is. You're not two people coexisting in each other's orbits. This is a parasitic relationship, pure and simple.If you want to protest that that's not how you really are, that is how you're coming across and that's the place you're acting and writing from. There is no way to make a good or healthy relationship that way.I recommend that you BACK the f*ck off NOW and go get a hobby NOW. Get on meetup.com, right now, and find something fun in your area. Then go do it. Whatever happens with this guy, accept that it may be good or it may be bad, but there is no way good can happen with you in this super-needy and clingy space.
A
female
reader, 2759ear  +, writes (7 November 2013):
Girl, you need to get a life besides being in a relationship, you've put yourself on hold and wanting to live his life, unrealistic, he's a guy, he misses your old self because you had your life and you were happy, stop trying to understand what he is doing, work out why you are behaving this way, regain your sense of identity and take your powere back as a woman and refocus on you, afterall he is just a man who happens to be a part of your world, he isn't your life or world. relearn to have fun for you and I wish you great luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, so he hadn't contact me ALL day long and then I saw that he was at his friend's house playing xbox with him again tonight. Then finally, at 915pm he sent me a text that said "love you since you havent said anything today". I didn't even reply. I'm just over this bullshit. It's like no matter what I do or say it's not going to work. He knows he has me and that I'll take anything he throws at me. I'm trying like hell to fake it till I make it and it's harder than hell.When he finally does contact me I don't want to reply 'cause I know it's going to go right back to this same bullshit again. Also, if he invites me over tomorrow and I go I'll be giving into him and we'll end up having sex and he'll get his end of the deal, but come the week I'll feel like I've been shit on again, used and taken for granted. I'm fed up with trying to kiss his ass and then he feeds me a breadcrumb and I'm right there to take it, hoping he'll change. I just don't know wtf to do right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm feeling really discouraged and saddened today. Yesterday was an alright day. He initiated more contact, wished me a HH, sent some photos of himself, sent me some voice messages and when I went to bed last night everything seemed fine. It felt like he was coming back and acting like his old self. It's after 4pm right now and I haven't heard from him today, nor have I tried texting him as I'm trying to back off and let him come to me. It upsets me because he was constantly contacting me. He'd text me on and off ALL day, everyday, and now I hardly hear anything. Yesterday was alright and today there's NOTHING. I haven't heard from him since 11pm last night and it's driving me bonkers because he wasn't always like this.It's kind of hard to "fake it" when he's not really even around, you know? I don't know if he's working today, at his friend's, hospital, dead.. NOTHING. I'm sitting here, almost in tears, because he doesn't even think of me enough to say "good morning", which he did every other day this week but for some reason today I seem to be forgotten. Over the last few months if he didn't contact me I'd be throwing a text fit but haven't this time. I'm pissed and want to text him right now letting him know it, but I refuse to do so this time because that may be what he's expecting, or even wanting. Me to chase him, maybe. He knows damn well that because he hasn't contacted me all day that I'm fuming, he KNOWS it yet he chooses to do this anyway. I just don't know what to do, tbh. I back off and then once he contacts me I start wanting more and more of his time/effort/attention and then am sad when it doesn't improve so I feel like I'm back at square one. THIS, this distant bullshit is MY issue. THIS is what's causing me to be bitchy, nagging and what he no longer likes.. yet he's the cause right now. *screams*If he invites me over anytime this weekend - do I go? And if so, do I fake it the whole time even though when I leave it'll probably be back to being distant at the start of the week and I'll probably end up going through this again? This shit pisses me off. It really fucking sucks because we had an okay time yesterday and then today it's back to the same distant bullshit. I'd understand him not speaking to me if I'd done something, but I faked the hell out of it yesterday and was nothing but loving and supportive and my old self.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): Wanted to add that he will also likely, if he is a sensitive, self-aware man, come back once he's off his guard (for me this was 2-3 months) and start apologizing for things himself. Your willingness to shoulder emotional responsibility will touch him and inspire him to do the same. Yes, someone has to be the grown-up first, and if you want to save your relationship, it'll be you.
Now, when we have any kind of an altercation because of my craziness/his fear, which is waaaaaay more seldom now, he'll take an hour to steam it off and then come back completely apologizing for his reaction and taking accountability for his own fear. I do my part by taking my responsibility and remaining seemingly unfazed even when he has the 'shun' instinct and shuts down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for taking the time to read and reply to me. I hadn't heard from him since our little altercation this morning and then he text me 2 hours ago and said "I love and miss you". Tbh, I didn't even want to reply but I did and said "love and miss you 2". The reason I was hesitant is because I expect him to get all snippy. I feel like it was just to see if I was still around, you know? If he's so miserable with me then why even contact me at all when I'm leaving you alone.
I guess I'll just hold back and let him initiate. I'm definitely going to take the advice I'm getting. I'm even making notes so I don't forget. lol
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): Yeah I think you should stop being the one to initiate contact for a while. I know it's really hard, but by contacting him all the time you are giving him the power to reject you over and over plus it's putting him in a bad mood. Tomorrow, instead of texting him throughout the day, leave it and make plans for tomorrow night too. Even just a face mask and a DVD or something. Do that a few times over the next week or two and see what his reaction is. If he does contact you, be nice and friendly but say 'sorry honey I can't see you tonight I'm going to visit X.' Act like it's completely natural and even if you have been, don't let him know you've been waiting for him to call. If he asks you if there's anything wrong, simply say no and change the subject.You need to start focusing on yourself more because the more you try to cling on to him the more it's pushing him away. So stop trying. He has stopped making an effort, and I think you're totally right when you say he's trying to punish you because he's mad at you for whatever reason. Posting that photo after you asked him not to seems like a deliberate attempt to start an argument which he then turned round on you. It sounds like he knows you're not going anywhere and you will put up with whatever he throws at you - and let me tell you that's never a good place to be. I know it might sound like I'm telling you to play games here but it's really not about that. It's about you focusing on yourself again and showing him that you're an attractive and fun woman with or without him.And please stop letting him convince you that this is all your fault. He's obviously not acting like the man you met either or you'd never have been together as long. So he can't say everything is your fault here. I think you're so scared of losing him that you're sucking up to him which is actually a turn off and is pissing him off more. So stop that, focus on yourself and let him do some of the chasing for a change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): I am in full agreement with the first female anonymous poster. I've been in your situation too, and it sucked. It was insecurity-breeding, self-feeding, and it felt that I could do nothing right. My man pretty much told me that he was done with the relationship, but he hadn't asked me to move out yet because he didn't want to "jump the gun." Can't tell you how awful it felt. The reasons were essentially the same as you're citing here -- drama drama drama, negativity, fear, insecurity, everything being Totally Serious Business. :( He was right when he said it was practically all me. He was attracted to my vivacity, openness, intelligence, bluntness, and a bunch of other things, which, once I started to get bogged down in being clingy, unhappy, whiny, oversensitive, and other codependent behaviors that I learned from my mom -- all but disappeared. The girl he loved completely vanished, and there was no driving non-relationship force that made her do so. It just happened. He put up with it for many months, and guys tend to put up with something and 'man up' until they just can't do it anymore. You perceive it as all or nothing, but it's a slow slide downward. So what do you do? This is a time that you may have to be a little unfair -- to yourself. Life isn't fair, and sometimes troubled love isn't either. But if you want to save this, apologize. Apologize for your drama-causing behaviors, negativity, nitpickiness, and other grievances he has, and sincerely tell him that you'll work on all of these and fight to become the girl he fell in love with again, because you adore him and value what you have with him. I wrote a letter to that effect to my man, the day after he told me that he was all but done, and he was touched. Very guarded, but touched and a tiny bit hopeful. Having seen the depths to which he was fed up, I didn't plan on this being a quick fix, and that was fine. Then I did what the first anonymous female poster said, and faked the hell out of it. You gotta be carefree, happy, loving, bubbly, warm, and inviting to be around. I accomplished that at first by 'pretending' that he wasn't a man that I had all this history with; instead, he was a guy I'd just met, was crazy about, and was on the first date with. Not that you actually pretend that, but you present the same part of yourself that you would present in those circumstances. If he's guarded and cold, if you sense that it could benefit from a conversation, ask him gently and openly what's up. If you sense that it couldn't benefit, ignore it, and be that same girl I just talked about -- just with yourself, around him. Just your warm presence will help him. Don't react to his coldness. This is a time of NOT REACTING to anything. If he opens up and it all comes angrily pouring out, be neither angry and reactive or pitiful and contrite. Be solid, and take responsibility for the things that he's saying that have some truth to them -- "Yes, I think you're right, and I think that I act that way sometimes because [reason having nothing to do with his behavior]." If you can't really see the validity of some of his complaints, say that you didn't realize you were causing that emotion, but you apologize for making him feel that way. Ask him questions about his thought processes like you're really interested. This will let him feel seen and heard, and that is what every human being wants, at their core. BUT, before that, have a good solid few weeks of absolutely no drama WHATsoever. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, I forgot to add that he did go and delete it but now he's irritated that I got mad so I'm sure we won't speak to each other the rest of the day. This is so fucking stupid. It all seems so damn trivial. smh
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon,
Should I just stop contacting him altogether and wait until he contacts me? What exactly do I do here? I thought initiating the friendly loving contact this morning I would have reaped what I sow, but this doesn't seem to be the case. I feel like every time he hears from me it puts him in a pissy mood.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, here's a good example of what's been happening between us. After last night I woke up and decided to send the first text so I said "good morning, i love you". He replies back with "love you 2". A few hours later I asked him how his day was going (he's had issues with his boss lately) he tells me and then says "did you look on facebook?". When I went and looked he had posted a horrible photo of me that he took over the weekend that I specifically said I didn't want posted.He laughed and said it was a joke and he posted it for Halloween because the pic was of me making a really gross/ugly face for the camera. Something stupid that I'd only want him to look at. When I told him I couldn't believe he'd post that after asking him not to he called me uptight and how he can't do anything anymore that doesn't piss me off and that he's sick of it. THIS is one of the problems. It's like he's so irritated, or pissed off with me about something, that he's an asshole whenever he hears from me, whether I'm being nice or not. I'm not sure what the hell to do now.I know, that if I walk away from him that he'll eventually come back, I know that in my heart. I know he loves me and cares but he's pissed off about something and I'm backed in this corner and have no idea what to do. I guess I just won't contact him and when/if he does me I'll just reply the best way possible? I don't know. I know there's isn't another woman but he's definitely changed his attitude.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): If it were me, I'd stop making as much effort as you are for a while. He's annoyed that you've changed, but all that means is he's pinning all of the blame on you which isn't fair. You're just as upset at him, so it shouldn't be you making all of the effort. This exact same thing happened with me and my boyfriend, he thought I was nagging him and not having sex as a punishment, but really I didn't feel like it cause I didn't feel loved or appreciated at all. So I wouldn't initiate because it felt false, he'd get annoyed and get more distant and the cycle would continue.I think you should do what I did and take a step back from the relationship. Start focusing on yourself more - buy new clothes and underwear, go to the gym, see your friends more, either spend more time on your hobbies or take up new ones. Whatever it takes to fill up your own life and become a fun, interesting person on your own again. I did all of this because I thought we were headed for a break up so I was trying to distract and prepare myself, but what actually happened was he got the fright of his life and realised he might actually lose me. All of a sudden I wasn't so available to him and his effort tripled. It also had the added bonus that he got to see me with fresh eyes - as a fun, sexy and interesting woman. I don't think he'd thought of me like that for a long time. It seems to be the case that a lot of men think we 're causing drama if we're trying to explain how we feel because they don't get how important affection is to a woman. Like once they've got her they don't have to try any more. I think my boyfriend was unhappy but blamed it all on me and the more I put up with the worse it got. The minute I started focusing on myself again he totally changed. It was hard taking a step back but totally worth it so I'd recommend you give it a try. Let us know how you get on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. This started when he moved away for 6 months for work and not getting to see him caused some distance between us. Communication started lacking and then came the insecurity, questions and since his return almost 3 months ago nothing seems to be the same. Oh, and he's NOT the same person he was. The guy I know is still in there, just not making very many appearances lately.Since I met this man, he's been a constant contacter. He'd text me nonstop and always ask when I can come over. Since he's been back he's basically stopped. He'll text me with an "i love you" but the distance is so great I can feel it. I'm at a loss 'cause it's so frustrating and confusing. When I'm being my old loving self, I still feel him being distant and kind of cold, which then makes me go back to the "new" me 'cause I feel let down I'm making effort and he's not. I know what he wants, he wants me to come over and cuddle him, initiate the sex, and be exactly who I used to be and I WANT to, but I can't do that because I feel like I'm putting forth effort and he's still not doing anything. Kind of like, at the end of the day, I feel like he's been shown love but I've been pushed away. Does that make any sense?Here's what happens when I am being my old self. We have a great day where everything feels the same and it's as loving and passionate as it once was. Then, as soon as I leave his place I instantly start to feel the distance again. His contacting me doesn't improve. He's still unhappy and I can feel it, and read it in his texts to me. It's still short and feels like he's talking to a friend, rather than someone he loves. And by friend, I mean like "just one of the guys".Sunday we had the most perfect, loving time where we just laid in bed holding each other and laughing all day, just like we USED to do. Then yesterday he was right back to being distant, even though I was still being the sweet/loving girl I was in the past and the day prior.He told me he'd contact me later last night when he got home from work, and he didn't. I just took his words and chose to believe he'd follow through and of course, I was let down. Which wouldn't have been a problem a long time ago, but everything now is coming across as him no longer caring which is why he doesn't contact me as much now and why he doesn't feel the need to keep his word sometimes and I know it's because he's unhappy. But he won't walk away from me either so I feel like there's some teeny tiny chance of salvaging this, but absolutely NO idea how to do so.Am I supposed to be initiating anything with this man right now while he's so unhappy? Should I follow his lead? I just don't know.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 October 2013):
 Hmmm this doesnt seem right to me. Lets look at this in a simple, succinct way:
The relationship has gone bad because you have changed and he is not happy with the new you.
So the biggest question is - why have you changed? And dont say it is because he is unhappy so you cant be loving towards him, this clearly happened a while ago which has gradually led to him being unhappy with you. So there must be something that caused you to change your personality, and following that your relationship went downhill.
Think back to the time when you remember you started changing, what was going on in your life? Unhappy with your job? Family problems? Financial stress? Something has caused you to stop being bubbly and giggly way before your relationship went wrong, so you cannot use the relationship as an excuse for you not being the same anymore. Unless the truth is you are unhappy with him?
Causing drama, bickering, fighting.....that all to me is an indication that in fact you dont want to be with him anymore, or you are trying to push him away for some reason.
It doesnt sound like he has changed as a person at all, apart from growing increasingly unhappy over your relationship. So the changes have all come from you - you are the one who has changed your personality, you are the one that likes to text him to cause drama.....you have to be tough with yourself now and figure out why you are doing this.
There is no point in involving him at this point, winning him back will be very simply - just be the old you again and stop causing so much drama.
But stopping the drama, bickering and being miserable is your biggest problem - you have to take a good long look at yourself and figure out what has gone wrong in your life to change you as a person.
No-one is asking you to run up to him and wrap your arms around him, however all he wants is for you to be your old self, then all your problems would be solved because you would remove the bickering and drama from the relationship, the two things that make him the most unhappy.
Once you stop being so different with him he will feel happier in your company, which in turn will make him show his love to you, which in turn will make you feel more comfortable showing love back to him.
But you have to see that this stems from your personality change and your desire to create drama all the time. Once this is resolved everything else falls back into place.
So work out why you have changed, what you can do to fix it, fix yourself - then your relationship should follow suit.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): This may sounds strange, but I have been where you are, and this worked for me. Basically, fake it till you make it. So, don't go by what you 'feel' like doing and being with him... but go back to when you'd only known him a short time, and appreciated him, and wanted to please him, and also had nothing to loose... and BE that girl again. Run up to him and hug him and wrap your arms around him. Do not expect the greatest response, it will take him some time to warm up to you again. Just BE 'that' girl that he loved and fell in love with. Don't question his reactions or lack of reactions... just continue to be the fun loving girl... and give him time, lots of time, to warm up to you again, believe in you again, and trust in you again. Do not have any deep and meaningful conversations (unless he insists on them), do not ask him what he is thinking or feeling... just 'BE'.. be fun, be happy, let him see and remember the girl he fell in love with. Do it now, before he shuts down and removes himself from your relationship forever.
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