A
male
age
51-59,
*akeWalls
writes:My wife and I and getting lots of grieve from family friends regarding a decision we made with our only son who ism20. He still lives at home during the summer and goes away ( 1.5hours from home) for school. He comes home most weekends. He has been in a relationship with his girlfriend just turned 17, for two years. She to is also an on,y child and her mother passed away five years ago. Since the summer we noticed some changes in her behaviour but figured it was typical,teenage girl drama. It wasn't until a weekend I. July when she showed up in tears a covered in bruises did we find out that her father had become physically abusive. We took matters into our hands and filed a police report during this time we found out that this wasn't the first time he had done this to her. Her family had moved here when she was a child so her closest family live in other cities. She didn't want to leave her friends / school so after thinking long and hard my wife and thought it would be best that she move in with us rather then go into foster care.They have the same rules as they did before. They have a curfew, they have separate bedrooms and we still have the rule that our son can not have her in his bedroom. Im not saying the never have sex. They are two young adults and when we work they are alone but we don't encourage it.Family and friends have just found out that she is living with us and of course they all have an opinion. They think we are crazy for allowing her to move in. They think we are encouraging them to have a sexual relationship. Some figure she will end up pregnant or my son will not finish school.We are doing this so they can play house we are opening our doors to a girl we all have a connection with so she can feel safe. Are we crazy for thinking this way? Wold anyone else allow her to move in ?
View related questions:
lives at home Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (6 August 2014):
I usually take the time to read other comments and answers but I wanted to say something before my thoughts were swayed. God bless you guys for saving this young adult. I wish there were more people like you in this world.
You guys did the right thing, hands down. I have literally no doubt or question in my mind. You guys have been very straight forward and mature about the situation. You have also acknowledged that there are events which you can not control, as they were not meant to be controlled. I hope you are able to speak to your son and new daughter in law in some months about their future. She does not have to be afraid anymore and I hope she does not carry future ill-intentions.
Not really sure sex is an issue. Also it is natural for outsiders to judge, for they would not have done the same in your situation. I just hope they dont take TOO MUCH advantage of the situation, but this is where good communication can help and allowing them to see that life is not only about "the moment".
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 Actually, I did not say it's the boy's parents 'job to " push " birth control on this girl.
It's the boyfriend 's job ( their son ). If he wants to be sexually active with this, or any other girl, yes, he must " push " birth control on her. Not in the sense of forcing her to use birth control if she is against it ( but why should she be !, unless she WANTS to get pregnant ). But in the sense that he should have his head screwed on his shoulders tightly enough to not WANT to have sex with any girl who does not use contracception , because he knows the risks outweigh the benefits.
It should be HIS choice, and no, I don't think it's too much to ask from a well raised, well informed , normally mature 20 y.o. Sure, some of his peers will be more lackadaisical, more " whatever, man " - but an intelligent guy , in general, is far from keen on f..ing his up his future by becoming a 20 y.o.parent.
Again, I understand if these parents do not want to have their son's sex life displayed too blatantly around them, for a matter of discretion and natural privacy - same as they would not want to be witnesses of their older, MARRIED offspring 's ( in case they had any ) sex life .
But that they are worried about not being seen as encouraging it, or approving it, ... this guy is 20, and sexually active already since a while, I suppose. There's nothing to encourage or ro discourage, to approve or to disapprove, to cheer or to booh- there only are the very personal, private matters of another adult like them.
Yes, I understand that if he gets a girl pregnant it will be a half tragedy, because he is not independent, old enough, settled financially and careerwise,home owner etc. Why, do you think that in the current economy things will be MUCH different when the guy will be 23 or 24 ?
What will these parents do when the guy is 24, run after him when he goes out: " hey son, have you got your condoms with you ? Here , take ours, they are sturdier. And remember to blow them up and check for holes before you slip one on, you know you can't afford to get anybody pregnant right now ! "
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (5 August 2014):
Who cares what your family and friends think! You are doing the right thing. This girl turned to you in her desperate hour. I applaud you and your wife. I believe it is up to all us adults to raise "our" children to be good and happy adults.
Please don't listen to those foolish people. You are doing the RIGHT THING!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (5 August 2014):
 I don't think the OP is treating sex as something vulgar and disgusting. Having limits on what goes on in his home actually helps treat sex with the respect it deserves.
And while the son is 20, the girl is 17. That may be the legal age of sexual consent, but she is still a minor. I think it's fair to say that having your boyfriend's father push birth control on you would be unsettling to say the least, And let's not forget that birth control is not 100% effective. It does work MOST of the time, but not always. There are risks and other medication such as antibiotics can reduce its effectiveness further. I know women who have become pregnant while on birth control.
If the son is adult enough to have sex, then perhaps he is adult enough to have his own place in which he can have sex any time he likes. When we were young and wanted to have sex, we rented a room.
OP, YOU know that your son will occasionally do things you don't approve of or appreciate, when he thinks you're not around, and if he does decide to go against your wishes vis a vis sex, then presumably the two of them will be so careful and so discreet which is, in itself a sign of respect.
This girl should be made to feel welcome certainly, but she should not feel SO comfortable that she starts making herself right at home.
Which brings me to a final point. Young women are already under ENORMOUS pressure to have sex and engage in sexual acts whether they want to or not. And let's face it, your son is going to behave a little differently when he's alone with her. Your home can be a place where this girl isn't under pressure to pleasure her boyfriend whenever he wants it.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 August 2014):
... And, is it a problem what your family and friends think ?..
You and your wife aren't two irresponsible impulsive teenagers , - if you have decided to give support and hospitality to your son's Gf, I figure you will have done it because you wanted to ( which is often a good enough reason ) and anyway after careful consideration of pros and cons . So, while everybody is entitled to have their opinions, for your relatives to voice them too often or too oppositionally when they haven't ever been asked , I find it out of order.. I think you should, not only ignore the negativity, but being firm in conveying that you thank them for sharing their opinion, but your decision is taken and is not up for discussion, so, thank you very much but- enough . Everybody butt out please..
As for " encouraging " sex :) forgive me , but, I had to smile. How deliciously retro. Victorian, actually.. I mean, have you ever thought that your son is 20!, a grown up man, so your job is neither encouraging his sex life, nor discouraging it- it's staying out of it ?
Wait : That until he lives under your roof, there are rules to respect, that's fine and normal..That one of these rules may be to be private and discreet about his sexual life and not flaunt it under your nose, because of a general matter of good taste, pudor and privacy, fine too, I get it. Regardless of age. We don't want TMI about our close relatives' sex life. So you don't want to hear your son moaning and groaning in the next room- same as he does not want to hear YOU, I am sure.
That makes sense.
But, as for not wanting to be seen as " encouraging " his sexual activity- lol. As if having a sex life were some strange, shameful, vukgar and socially questionable activity that needed to be strongly
" discouraged "!
The girl is only 17, true- but age of consent is 16 in Canada, plus you are her HOSTS, not her parents , legal guardians , or other authority figures who are supposed/ allowed to influence her personal , private conduct.
So , if the rule is " no sex under my nose- ( as you say yourself , enforcing " no sex uder my roof " will be impossible ) because it's embarassing for us parents " makes sense. But " no sex under my nose because we do not "encourage " the normal exercise of sexuality in young people of legal age "... sorry but , it sounds a little bit funny.
As for the possible pregnancy question, oh sure : , because sperm is intelligent, and obedient . The little creatures know they can only hit the jackpot inside the family home,... never in a motel, at a friends' place, in the back seat of a car, in a secluded spot in the country , or in any of the other places where your son was already making love before , and will be in future.
So, to avoid an unplanned pregnancy, all you have got to do is to prevent son from having sex under your roof, and voila, problem solved.
Uh wait :... I am being told it is not exactly like that...
that it all depends from how responsible, mature and well informed your son is... from how hard you have drilled in into his head the NECESSITY of using protection, AND of having his gf on birth control.... so that, if he got contracception seriously, his odds of getting somebody pregnant will be extremely low regardless of his physical location... and if instead he is a young, lazy , careless idiot , the odds will be high regardless of physical location.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 I think it's the right thing to do. Perhaps what needs to be done is that you guys shouldn't have 'the talk' with them, it may give them the sense that it's okay for them to have sex under your roof which it really isn't. You've laid down the law by giving them a set of rules (curfew and separate bedrooms where they're not allowed in the others room). I will say however, that regardless of these rules, they will gave sex if they wish to. So, what you need to do is emphasize the fact that the rules are the rules and if broken they will have consequences (which you may decide upon). Another thing is you know your child better than anybody else and you should know whether your child is one who sticks to rules or breaks them. Be firm. Stand your ground when it comes to the rules that you've set because it's really good that they're there and they will ensure the well being of both of the kids (if obeyed) while they're under your roof. Regardless of what anyone else says, just know that by taking her in the right thing was done because the abuse would have continued if she had been left to return to her house and I don't think any respectable person can ignore an abuse victim when they show up on your doorstep in search of help so don't question whether you've done the right thing or not. Just be firm and treat her as you would your own child (same rules, same everything) and I'm sure things will work out just fine. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, JakeWalls +, writes (5 August 2014):
JakeWalls is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy son has told me that they have been sexually active in the past. My wife and I have a very open relationship with our son and we have had the safe sex talk to many times to count. Once my son and his girlfriend started dating my wife actually had a talk with her. Since she didn't have a female mother figure in her life at the time my wife took it on to talk about birth control. A few months later the girl actually came back to my wife with questions and they have became very close and open with each other.
They both know that we don't encourage it and that we won't be letting it happen while they are living with us but I also know that I have a 20 year old son and he has a lot unsupervised time with his girlfriend in my home, so chances are they do have sex in my home when I'm not around. I remember all to well be a 20 year old kid.
We both have explained that my sons rules are the same, we pay for school, he lives in our house then he needs to follow our rules regardless of how old he is and we made it clear to her that she will be following the same set of rules.
Over the past two years we have became very close with this girl and she has been a very sweet girl and we all adore her. I think we are doing the right thing . We haven't thought about the long term just yet or what will happen if their young love turns sour. But for now we know she is safe, our son is safe and that they both will be going back to school to help better their life's.
I come from a very religious family and my wife a very strict one, my sister has always disagreed with our parenting style so I wasn't all to shocked when she through her two cents in about this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (5 August 2014):
You're not crazy. In fact I think it's very generous of you. Everyone has an opinion and far too many people can talk the talk when it comes to helping someone in need, but you're actually DOING something.
That said, understand that it's not unheard of for these young people (boys or girls) to be damaged by their experiences and begin to take liberties once they feel safe with someone else. For both your sakes, yours and hers, she must be held to the same standard of behaviour as everyone else. No accommodations are to be made because she's been abused. She cannot be treated as a victim.
Second, I have to respectfully disagree with Honeypie about the birth control (I usually agree with you, Honeypie but not on this one). Regardless of any warnings or disclaimers you may give, encouraging the use of birth control WILL be seen as an endorsement, or at the very least an acceptance that they're going to do whatever they like the moment your back is turned. That is not the message you want to send and you may be surprised to learn kids do follow the rules most of the time. Not to mention the fact that it is highly personal and may embarrass the girl.
My suggestion is that you tell them, in a matter of fact way, that any kind of sexual activity in your home will be seen as the ultimate disrespect. If they choose to engage in adult behaviour they should remember there are adult consequences and she will have to make other living arrangements. Then leave it at that. Personally, I would send her packing if that happened. I've been in her shoes, OP, and I knew not to ruin a good thing.
Boundaries must be clear and well maintained for this to work.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): What a lovely thing to do
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 I think what you are doing is what YOU feel is the RIGHT thing to do. Honestly, if I were in your situation I'd do the same.
One thing though, I know you are not encouraging sex, but they are young "adults" and will want to have sex and they WILL have sex.
I would actually SIT them down and talk birth control (you can still emphasize) that you are not wanting them to engage in sex - but maybe HER going on the pill? may not be a bad decision - though it will HAVE to be hers and HERS alone.
Make sure they BOTH understand the rules.
You know this girl better then any of your family/friends. YOU know what you can expect of your son and her.
I don't think you are crazy at all, but I would have some pretty set rules. And you and your wife need to think ahead - you need to have an "out" if this goes "tits" up.
Don't second guess being a good person.
...............................
|
