A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello! I was previously in an abusive relationship, that ended around 4 years ago. I am now in a new relationship, and we've been together for 3 months. Because of my past abusive relationship I am now very cautious of "red flags", and I find some things here and there that remind me of my ex...1. He's already snapped at me at least two times that I remember clearly. Once he bit me off because he felt I was nagging on him. He apologized afterwards and said he was wrong to snap at me. 2. After having been out on town with a friend I told him how we had spent our night trying to see if guys would buy us drinks (just a silly joke, no harm was done to anyone, and we got no drinks). He commented by saying I should watch how I act out on town so I wont be mistaken for a ... well, I got the picture, he was insinuating that I acted like a prostitute and men would take me for one. I was offended and he apologized again.3. Just last night he once again snapped at me. He felt I was interrupting him, but I had no idea I was because he had stopped speaking and said nothing... Apparently he was just thinking about what to say, so he snapped at me saying "You always interrupt me", I then asked what he means by that and he said "I just want to finish my sentence for once". Again, after a little while he said he was sorry and shouldnt have snapped and should have worded himself differently, and how I couldn't know he just takes a long time to think before speaking sometimes.Anyway, it's just been three months, and already there's small comments like these, it makes me nervous. Should I be worried things will escalate, and these are red flags? He's otherwise really attentive and caring, but so was my abusive ex on his "good days".I already wrote a post here another time about how my new boyfriend had said at the beginning of our relationship he was just "test driving the car", meaning having sex with me without calling it a relationship (whereas I thought we were in a relationship). People commented by saying guys put their foot in their mouths occasionally and I should forgive and forget.Thank you for any and all answers, they are much appreciated.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (7 November 2014):
I have read your update, it is definitely time to get him out of your life. I doubt he learned anything by reading our responses, people like him rarely change. You deserve better! You can do better!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 November 2014):
 Hello to the snooping 'boyfriend.' (I'm hoping it's the EX boyfriend by now?)
Go away now. Do no more damage. You are obnoxious and inappropriate.
Be grateful for knowing her. Try to learn something. Don't be an asshole.
To the poster: Get him the hell out of your life and change your passwords. You do deserve better.
Perhaps you will need some help in identifying why you choose LOSERS like this snooping boyfriend. Get away from him first and be safe.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2014):
 He snooped through your computer 3 months into the relationship? NOW that is a HUGE red flag in my book.
Hope all is well with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: my boyfriend used my computer, snooped, and found this post. Read everything, including all the comments. Im out of words.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): First of all, as others have said, that thing with trying to find guys to buy you a drink IS inappropriate.You already were in an abusive relationship, so, sorry to say this, you're already more prone to them than someone who hasn't. That's a red flag in itself. Are you really a nag, or is he making you a nag? Maybe it's neither, maybe he called you a nag to cut short a perfectly normal conversation. Now, that's not OK. That's abuse.The thing that bothers me the most is that "I haven't yet finished" thing. If there ever was a sign of an abuser... They're never done, but they make long pauses.That's how they keep their game going. That's how they move the focus of the conversation from whatever you were discussing to "you never let me finish". That's how they shift balance and make you feel bad, put you in an inferior (childlike) position. That's how they make what you have to say less important. That's how they make you feel that they're right and you're wrong.I was in two abusive relationships. I had to learn to trust myself (my conclusions as well as my instincts).Sometimes an abuser is an abuser no matter what. Sometimes we let him be an abuser but not standing up for ourselves.Let him know that you respect him but that you respect yourself as well.
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (4 November 2014):
Good God, your ex sounds just like one of mine! Cruel and nasty. Anyhow, I will say that this guys responses are well out of order, and overboard. Starting over is not easy but you would be well advised to get rid, I can see this turning nastier in future and him completely losing his temper on you (for no good reason, I might add)
it is horrible to have to tread on eggshells around someone, very stressful. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 November 2014):
If you FEEL the things he has done so far is NOT OK, walk away.
NONE of us can really decide that for you. YOU will have to trust your gut.
For me it WOULD be a no-no for a guy to snap at me, and then later apologize, OVER AND OVER. Because I could easily see the SAME guy hitting or yelling and then... turn around an apologize like that makes it ALL OK.
TRUST your instincts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers. What I gather from this is that some of you find these things to be red flags, whereas others think they are normal ways to respond, given that I was "deserving" of such treatment.
Maybe to clarify what I was asking.. I am not asking to pick sides or tell me if he is right or wrong to be annoyed at me. Sure people get annoyed at each other, and I do not have a problem with seeing that I cross the line some times, interrupt or probably annoy someone. But these things are unintentionally, and not done to harm him. The responses, however, worry me because such responses have no constructive purpose. They are responses that aim only to harm, and nothing more. I worry that if I start to accept this treatment, and this way of being talked to, it will escalate as it did with my ex. It started the same way you know, him giving me small, nasty comments here and there, and then at the time he'd claim to have good reason for his judgment of me.
But for example, something my ex did at the beginning of our relationship, was that he found a picture on facebook of me and a guy friend at a party. He felt we were too close to one another, which I can say okay, I didn't know he would be uncomfortable as it was nothing romantic going on and tons of other people in the picture. Had my ex only told me he felt uncomfortable about me being so close to another man, he could have just told me so in a proper manner. I did not sit next to this man in order to piss off my then boyfriend, you know? But what my ex did was that he took this picture and showed it to all his friends (supposedly) and then when he talked to me he told me how they had all found it slutty. At the time I accepted to be treated that way, although I didn't understand why he was so upset I accepted it. But looking back I see how cruel this was of him, to publicly humiliate me and have his friends tell him I am slutty? It is completely unnecessary.
Anyway, these are the things I worry about. It's one thing to be annoyed or angry or have other feelings.. but how you choose to express them is key to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): For me it is hard to make that assumption based on the info you provided. People snap at each other especially when they feel they are being crossed or they are annoyed.You mention he snapped at you for nagging. I know from experience that nagging is one of the worst things you can do to a man. If you are in fact a nag, I can see why he would snap and feel annoyed. You don't mention the details, though. Also, I thought that comment you made to him about being at the bar seeing if guys would buy you drinks was weird and inappropriate. I could see that being "funny" when you are like 21. But thinking that or saying that at your age, in your later 20's, sounds childish. Women your age are starting their careers, growing up, buying their own martini's. He just probably found the comment stupid and mindless (as would prob ALOT of guys) and just reacted and expressed himself without thinking about it. As for snapping at you for interrupting him, I mean, do you interrupt him? Do you let the guy talk? I snapped at my boyfriend once for interrupting me. Cause he had a bad habit of doing this. And he acknowledged it and apologized and made a conscious effort to let me finish my sentences. Are you taking any accountability? Or are you just playing the wounded puppy, who was hurt in the past and therefore deserves special treatment, so much so that you are above accountability?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): LEAVE!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 November 2014):
 Sadly you've been there-done-that so you have that hai on the back of the neck feeling so why not follow that historic lessons learned feeling you have and make a new friend?
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (3 November 2014):
He sounds impatient and bad tempered to be honest
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2014):
I think the "snapping" is unacceptable, for the most part.
BUT, I do agree that "playing games" for free drinks is not appropriate for a woman who is dating someone. I find it tacky. Even if you were single, I'd still find it tacky. YET calling you a whore, for doing it? NOT acceptable either.
Then the interrupting thing? Well, it's hard to say when I wasn't there. I think it's pretty common when people REALLY know each other to interrupt or interject ( I know hubby and I do it to each other all the time) but someone you don't quite know it can be hard to tell, YET he should go off on you for it.
Overall, I think YOU still carry around baggage from your years in the abusive relationship and I think THAT hinders you in relaxing with and trusting a new guy. I think you honestly should DO yourself a favor and get some counseling to deal with the past, to put it where it belongs.. IN THE PAST.
There is NOTHING wrong in being cautious with new people in your life. But if you put EVERY guy under serious scrutiny I think they can tell and I think it's a HUGE turn off. Might even be part of why he is "snappish" with you.
He might JUST not BE a very good fit for you.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (3 November 2014):
Hi OP, I have a few thoughts on your post:
1. You shouldn't be trying to get random men to buy you drinks while you are in a relationship. Not because it makes you look like a prostitute, but because it might give them the wrong idea and that's not fair. I'm not surprised your boyfriend wasn't happy about that, but at the same time he shouldn't be calling you names (whore?) about it either.
2. How exactly does he expect you to know the difference between him taking a long pause and him being finished speaking?! I'd be telling him to go off and work on his conversational skills rather than get mad at me.
3. I wouldn't put up with anyone snapping at me regularly. In my experience, when a person flips out (rather than calmly discussing) being 'nagged' or 'interrupted', it's a way of trying to control how the other person expresses themselves. No-one likes having their head bitten off, and less assertive people (like myself and it sounds like you may also fit into that category) often try to avoid making the same 'mistake' again to keep the peace. This effectively puts you in a position where you are nervous about voicing your opinions or asking for what you need, and that's not right with a loving partner.
It may not seem like much to some people, but I do think these are red flags. He's already got you doubting yourself and nervous about speaking up, and to me that type of behaviour will only get worse. All the best.
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