A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone : ) ...My problem is that I've become very insecure about myself and I'm worried that I may over react about a lot of things cz of the way I feel about myself. Sometimes when my bf and I go out I see him look at other girls even though he thinks I don't see. But what really pissed me off is today. I was on his computer typing a project for school which I do every week(im in college) but this project in particular required a cover page with some sort of picture relating to the topic so I attempted to copy and paste one but it wasn't working so I ha d to dowload it then copy and paste it. So when I went into "picture documents" I found pics of girls that were either half naked or in really skimpy lingerie. The thing is they weren't like playboy models or anything like that. They were pics of everyday girls from like myspace or whatever. I wouldn't have cared if they cam from playboy but I'm upset cz that means that in order for him to have obtained those pictures he must've been chatting with them. They may be having cybersex for all I know. There was this one picture in that really drove me mad, it was a pic of a girl with lingerie on her knees licking another woman's vagina. I'm just really upset but the thing is he lives with his brother so they could be his but I really feel like they are my bf's cz other then those girls there were tons of pics of clothes and sneakers(my bf loves fashion like me and I recognized some pics he's asked me my opinion on before). I don't know what to do please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): Have you ever had any reason before to not be able to trust him? How is the communication in your relationship? Do you feel that you are open and honest with one another?You can (and should) talk to him about this if it really bothers you and if it will affect your relationship and your trust level. If he is a good boyfriend, he will try to understand where you are coming from and try to work on a compromise with you (if those pictures in fact belong to him and he is honest with you). If he has been dishonest with you in the past, do not be surprised if he denies they are his - he could also possibly get his brother to cover up for him if he really wanted to hide it from you. Also, even if the pictures did belong to his brother, that does not mean your boyfriend has not seen or stared at them, as it is likely that he has if he has pictures in the same folder that you are sure belong to him. If they did belong to his brother, would you feel any better?You already feel upset when he looks at other women when he is out with you in public. It is normal to feel insecure. The thing is to know how much insecurity is harmful to yourself and your relationships, and if it is too much, to try and change it for the better. The place to start doing that is with you. If he stops looking at other women altogether, will that actually make you feel secure? Chances are, it would only be a temporary way to relieve the symptoms.The point is that no matter who you are with, you need to do things for yourself that increase your sense of self-worth so that things like this do not affect your relationships as it is known that many men enjoy looking at other women even when in a committed relationship. What would be more important to focus on is if in general he is trustworthy, loyal, honest, and open with you. If you feel you have reason to believe that he could be chatting/having cybersex with these girls, you need to be sure if the suspicion is stemming from his past/current behavior, or if it because of your insecurity. Also, try to keep in mind that if you are insecure, he may find it to be a turn-off and thus the potential to turn to other sources for some fun. This may/does happen to people who are secure as well. It is normal for people to have fantasies regardless if they are in a happy relationship, but if he is indeed looking to other sources for more than just looking, it could be a serious problem. Remember that if it is your insecurity, those pictures will not be the only thing you will ever be suspicious about. When you are insecure, you tend to look for more things to be insecure about. In the end, you might only push him away because of the constant suspicion and distrust. Above and beyond the concern over the pictures, I highly recommend that you focus first and foremost on your own self-confidence for your own sake. The only way to find out about the pictures for sure is to talk with him about it. Try to put things into perspective. Try not to jump to conclusions or accuse him about the pictures. Instead, try to stick to the facts. That way he can feel that you are open enough to discuss the presence of the pictures and in turn can be more open about what is really going on. If you bring it up in an open-ended way (such as starting with exactly what happened, and then what you saw) you can see how he immediately reacts. If he asks you a bunch of questions about what you were doing, what you saw, or what you think about it, before he even answers you, it is possible he may be trying first to know how you feel so that he can react and respond accordingly so as not to hurt your feelings. If he is defensive about it right away, either he definitely feels guilty or he feels you have probably accused him wrongfully too many times before. Those are just examples.I cannot say exactly what will happen or what means what or what belongs to who, as it will depend on your relationship with him and your perceptions. I know I have said a lot, but I hope this was helpful and I wish you the best.
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