A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First off let me say that I'm in my early 20's and have had so many heartbreaks, I have lost count! I have adult ADHD which I think is what makes me so impulsive in relationships and makes me become attached to a guy way too fast and end up falling for the wrong guys. Completely against my will I start to daydream for hours even days when I meet someone whom I think I like. I'm talking the whole works - I picture how he would fit into my life, what places we could go to on our next date and even daydream about a wedding! I know most of you might think I'm crazy but it is what it is I can't help myself :(I always keep my thoughts to myself though.Now the current problem.I met X on a dating site a few months ago. We hit it off and I was so pleased because I didn't get ahead of myself for a while. We exchanged pictures and chatted online almost everyday and when we exchanged numbers I only thought about him when he got in touch with me. Then we made plans to meet. (We're supposed to meet next week actually.) We both agreed that we wanted a casual relationship. We're a few hours apart and have crazy schedules so it's difficult to meet weekly. Then my crazy annoying habit started to kick in again. I got ahead of myself with planning in my head, not only our first date but our summer plans as well since my birthday is approaching and he wanted to celebrate with me. The more we talk the more I like him and anticipate our first meet. Sometimes I feel like I hit the jackpot with him and wonder and hope that we may have a future together. However I feel like my heart is going to break YET AGAIN. Today he told me he plans on moving overseas by the end of the year (he's an investment banker and has no choice) and a little part of me died inside. I don't know if I should still meet him and be open to any possibilities or just tell him I don't want to see him and save myself some time and hurting. I know we agreed on a casual relationship due to our distance and schedules but we both really get along so well. He's so polite and respectful and makes me feel worldly and special. I would hate to miss out on a great relationship and experience but I don't want to risk falling for this man and being torn to pieces when he has to move so far away for years.What are your opinions? I hope you don't think I'm being desperate or crazy. and I really would like to know if there are others who find themselves getting attached so quickly and how do you handle it?Thanks in advance!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): The thing is you said you were ok with casual but really that's not what you are looking for is it, if you are dreaming of weddings. Better to change your profile and let it be known that you are looking for something long term, then you are more likely to attract someone who is looking for the same.
I think its a thing with this sites,getting a bit obsessive. We all want to be loved and the distance and not meeting gives out imaginations a long time to dream something up that isn't reality.
Why not try something more local, places you could meet real live men and be able to see the reality of them rather than imagine? You are just riding for a fall otherwise.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): I completely understand where you're coming from. Even though my fast moving nature manifests itself slightly differently, I definitely have to overcome the same problem. Essentially, I think the best strategy, as simple as it may sound, is to remind yourself that you only know a small part of him, and not to get too caught up in your extrapolations of his character. And I would also balance what you like about him with the small things you dislike about him - that way, you'll keep it in mind that he's human, like anyone else, and not delude yourself into thinking he's more perfect than he actually is. In answer to your second question, I would suggest that you get to know him, but casually - don't consider this an exclusive relationship unless he decides that's what it is to him. Date other people as well, so that you're not completely absorbed by this one guy, to the extent that you feel like you've suffered a great loss if he leaves and the relationship ends. It's all about perspective.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): You both agreed to a casual relationship right?? So why all the planning ahead....I believe you probably have a pattern of starting out as a casual relationship and expect it to grow into something more...What all this business about missing out on a 'great relationship' when you have 'agreed' to a casual relationship....You really do delude yourself...Sorry hun, wrong approach, it dont work out that way...You are kinda needy and you probably start sleeping with men believing it to be a commitment(sorry sex is not always equal commitment or exclusivity, plus remember the qualitative word her is 'casual'; just casual, nothing serious) and you delude yourself to crown it that 'you are in a relationship'....Perharp so but you are in a 'casual relationship' and these dont come with long term expectations.... You are the one who is breaking her own heart by continuing this pattern but if you want to keep playing victim, who is to stop you.If you want a serious relationship start by being friends, dating(by that I dont necessarily mean sleeping with him), be objective about the person(s) you date and then decide if you want a relationship with that person....Get to know each other, dont just be infatuated with the idea of 'being in a relationship'You are 'in-love' with the idea of being in love. Go online and sign up for news letters from Christain Carter- casual to commited, there are quite a few authors like him but be discerning about the advice you get....You get a lot of insight into some destructive patterns people use to approach relationships....
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A
female
reader, littleBB  +, writes (6 May 2011):
You are still very young and that accounts for most of your problem, but you must learn how to handle your emotional reactions so they don't get the best of you and cause you heartache. The fact that you acknowledge your problem is a good sign, the next move should be self discipline. You can learn that, you can learn not to let yourself be carried away by emotions. First of all you must know yourself and what you want out of a relationship and never let go into emotions if the other person doesn't meet your standards. You must not look for love in other people, you must love yourself first and try to share your love with someone who is available. You must consider yourself first in order to protect your own feelings, you are the only one to have that power. Empower yourself, don't let yourself to be carried away. I know it's easier to say than to do but you must try. Good luck
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